Sunday, January 29, 2017

Bowl game.

I have an awesome idea.

We need to make sure that Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl beats the Super Bowl in the ratings.

Now, I know it sounds crazy, since the Super Bowl is routinely the highest rated thing on TV all year. And why would I want to ruin everybody's fun?

Just hear me out.

1) As I noted in passing earlier this season, the NFL's ratings have been down. And that's all been entirely their own fault. The organization should be punished for allowing employee misbehavior that no other company would tolerate.

2) Everyone hates the Patriots outside of the New England area (you see Tom Brady pitching Oreos or Chryslers? How about Aaron Hernandez?) (Oops!). And no one cares about Atlanta. Southern teams, except maybe the Dolphins and Cowboys (and only because they have a bunch of championships), are not very successful unless they're in the NCAA.

3) The Super Bowl promotes drinking, gluttony, fighting, and gambling.

4) The Puppy Bowl promotes puppy adoption. If you bet on the Puppy Bowl you are a real degenerate gambler. Get help.

5) Lady Gaga, doing the halftime show, is repulsive. The only thing worse than Madonna is a Madonnawonnabe.

6) Conservatives are mad at the NFL for the way they allowed anti-police and anti-American demonstrations.

7) Liberals are always mad at the NFL because it's American and violent and gives people concussions.

8) But everyone loves puppies.

9) Even the Super Bowl commercials are no fun anymore. Look, here's one now:

Stupid guy holding bag of chips makes remark
Other stupid guy makes comment
Something ridiculous, freaky, creepy, and unexpected happens using CGI; likely to be violent, sexist, or ugly
Someone makes a snotty remark and eats chip
Show product

That's like every commercial you're going to see next week, and I pulled that out of my butt in twenty seconds. I just saved you five hours.

People, it's time we teach the NFL a lesson, as we did to baseball after the 1994 strike, and teach our betters in the entertainment industry that we are independent humans and will not be prodded, pressured, or anything else to do what they expect us to do. Piss us off and watch us vote with our remotes. Show 'em who's boss.

Screw this stupid game, seeing Tom Brady cheat his way to another ring. I'm watching puppies.

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