Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Miss Noo Yawk.

As you can imagine, we're all just stoopid with pride here in New York, having the honor of winning Miss America three years running. Kira Kazantsev joins Nina Davuluri and Mallory Hytes Hagan for our three-peat.

When I was a kid, and Miss America was a network event with Bert Parks and everything, Miss New York never won. Miss New York often seemed like---well, kind of a skank, really. But we've sent a few classy broads to the contest over the years; in fact, we've won six times now since 1945, tying us with leaders California, Ohio, and Oklahoma.*

I didn't see the show, but apparently Miss Kazantsev used a bizarre act for the talent portion of the show, singing Pharrell's "Happy" while banging a red plastic cup. I think singing "Red Solo Cup" would have been more appropriate, but that's her call, and I guess it worked.

Over the years contestants running under the banner of Miss New York have demonstrated some pretty amazing abilities for the talent portion of the pageant, unique to our proud state. They include:

- hubcap stealing

- rolling a joint without using her hands

- dramatic recitation from On the Waterfront ("He gets the title shot outdoors on the ballpark and whadoo I get? A one-way ticket to Palookaville.")

- pole dancing

- eating 42 Nathan's hot dogs in 12 minutes

It is not easy.
- monologue about what a two-bagger Miss Joisey is

- simulated subway surfing

- simulated going over Niagara in a barrel

- beating the crap out of Miss California

Not usually singing. Sure, New York has Broadway, but Broadway is full of plucky youngsters fresh off the bus from Ohio---haven't you seen the old musicals?---who go back home to represent Ohio for Miss America. Which is why they've won six times.

* If Vanessa Williams hadn't gotten nekkid on film we'd be alone in the lead with seven. Damn it. 
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