Saturday, September 6, 2014

AFV host quest!

I love watching America's Funniest Home Videos, or AFV to us "insiders" (although it should be AFHV, or AF(H)V, but we overlook quibbles for the sake of love). Every Sunday night I look forward to people getting whacked in the crotch, slipping and falling, getting spat on by animals, tripping in bridal gowns, crashing through trampolines, getting tripped by dogs, getting tripped by dogs in bridal gowns on trampolines... I once tried to talk Mrs. Key into wearing her wedding gown and jumping on a trampoline while swinging at a pinata and then hitting me in the crotch with a dog nearby. That had to be worth the $10,000 prize.

Sadly, she would not go for it.

I enjoy watching people do stupid things on Sunday nights, as I've mentioned before; it helps me feel smarter when I start my week.

Sadly, all us fans of the show know that the new season that starts October 5 will be the last for host Tom Bergeron, who is retiring from AFV after 15 years. We'll be sorry to see Tom go. But who will replace him?

My vote: a man who can deliver terrible jokes with a wink or a fake duh look or whatever it takes to sell the gag, the former host of Talk Soup and current host of Wipeout, Skunk Boy himself: John Henson.

He's just the kind of professional knucklehead who cold make a brilliant career out of this long-running goof-a-rama. He's been an actor for a long time, so he's certain to have experience working with live audiences. And he's been hosting Wipeout for years, so AFV would be running your local chapter of Mensa by comparison.

Other possible hosts:

Ryan Reynolds: Not sure he's going to be allowed to make any movies for a while, so he may be available.

Michael Bloomberg: He already thinks we're all morons.

Bill Clinton: He'll do anything for a buck.

Michael Strahan: Football, Subway ads, dealing with Kelly Ripa... Apparently he can do anything for a buck.

Larry the Cable Guy: If he could take the pay cut, he'd be dynamite -- hell, the show is a real-life version of the material he's been doing for decades.

One of the Kennedys: The ones who are still in public office are pretty useless, and we've seen pretty crappy behavior from the others, but folks still seem to like them. Maybe one of them can do something that requires talent.

John Elliott: Local New York weatherman but former newsman Elliott is one of the more refreshing personalities on TV today, and a great student of TV hosts like Carson.

Craig Ferguson: I wouldn't let any old foreigner host an American show about Americans doing dumb things in dumb ways, but this guy is dumb enough for us!

Tory, Kari, and Grant: They need the work.

Daisy Fuentes: What the hell, give her another shot.

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