Not a single sailor looked for any gold.
After Mormor’s departure for parts
unseen, a departure that seemed to suck all imps and devils in his employ along
with him, the two-thumbed arms that held our crew prisoner began to lose their
grip. The sailors managed to free themselves and crawl hand-over-hand, so to
speak, along the walls to safety. They’d had enough magic for one day and
wanted off the island immediately.
As for Suzy, Astercam, and me, we
fell to the ground, but not hard. We began to lose altitude slowly, but we
increased speed, and only the last foot or so was gravity-normal. It did not
occur to me at the time—not until we were far away from Big Evil Island—but
somewhere on the premises was the Gallstone of the Gods, a counterforce to whatever
remained of Mormor’s magic, and the longer he was gone the more magic was
dispelled. Had it all gone poof at
once, we probably would have fallen to our deaths. Thanks, Gallstone!
We hardly said a word, but got back
to the boats, back to the Badass, and
hauled anchor out of there. We knew Mormor was gone and not likely to ever
return, but the island was still terrifying in light of the horrors we had
seen. I took one last look as we sailed away, and the skull fortress looked
like it was beginning to sag in the moonlight pouring from a now-clear sky. I
wondered if the Gallstone would cause the whole castle to collapse, and maybe
the whole island with it. I wondered if it would vanish from all nautical
reckoning. I hoped so.
The silence on the ship was thick.
Suzy was offered a cabin and locked herself in without a word to me or anyone.
Astercam crawled up to the crow’s nest and refused to come down. I swabbed the
deck just to keep busy.
Eight days crept along and
eventually the horrors seemed to fade. Some still saw demons in dark corners,
some still woke screaming, some still swigged more than his ration of rum. But
enough about me. Most of the guys started to pick up. These sturdy sons of the
salt knew that the sea had horrible secrets, and were buoyed by the knowledge
that they’d be dining out on this one for a long time. No doubt thirty or forty
of them would claim to be the man that slew Mormor.
Suzy called for me that eighth day,
and I entered the cabin and she cried for a few hours. My worst fears for her
were not confirmed—it seemed that Mormor had retained hope he could twist her
to his side right up until the Badass
came into view on his magic mirror and he saw who was on it. So physically
she’d remained unharmed, at least. Hearing her tale I cried, too. Then we
sobbed, did a little weeping, some random tearing-up, and finished with a big WAAAH.
That helped wash away the fears, and she was seen on deck from time to time for
the rest of our journey to Tegora.
Tegora! How wonderful to smell her
cesspools again! After what we’d been through, it felt like home. We landed,
and Bugsby filed his official report with the admiral. Complete success, he
said, and although the Gallstone was gone, so was the need for it, and we key
figures were debriefed by the admiral over the next couple of days.
All charges were dropped against
your humble hero here, because of my extreme heroism in the face of eternal
torment, which is not a legal excuse but impressed the hell out of the
magistrates. Also, I think by this point everyone was agreed that I was not much
of a threat.
Not every sailor opted to continue
a career on the sea following the trip. Kevin decided to go into carpentry, for
one. I requested a formal discharge from the Tegoran army and got it. I also
asked for Lefro’s sentence to be commuted or for him to be pardoned; he had
been rotting in jail for many weeks now. What the heck; I was feeling merciful.
Of course, I was there to meet him
when he was released, and I punched him in the nose.
A couple of days later a ship was
arranged to bring Suzy back home to her father. “And you’re coming, too,” she
said.
“I am? Wow!”
“If I leave you alone in Tegora you
will get arrested again, and thrown into the army again, and sent on another
horrible quest, and who knows what will happen? You need someone to keep you
out of trouble.”
“And you’re volunteering?”
She smiled. Then she winked.
I’d never been so happy as I was in
that moment.
Some of the boys wanted to take me
out on my last night in Tegora, though. I said sure. So I was not cured of my
poor judgment.
I’m blurry on some of the details.
I seem to recall Bugsby getting sore at Chokolost around midnight, and they
started dueling with silverware. Bourbon and Sanford pulled them apart, but
when Karkill started vomiting we all got thrown out of the tavern. I staggered
along, but I’m not sure where we were as I had a lantern shade on my head. A
barmaid gave Wrax a hickey the size of a doubloon, and that was all I saw of
him. Wiggen and a couple of the ex-pirates started a brawl somewhere along the
line, but we left him to his fun. Sailors.
At dawn I was dragged to the dock
where I saw a blurry ship waiting for a blurry Suzy who stood on by a blurry
gangplank. I shook my head for focus, and realized I was still soaking wet from
the impromptu bath the boys had given me. Then the boys took me to the
gangplank and dropped me with a “Ta-da!”
“Hi, honey,” I said.
“You’ve been drinking,” she said.
“Who, me? Nevvvvver, well, maybe.
How was the palace?” She had been the guest of Maximo the Seventh (may he blah
blah blah) while in town.
“Nice. Boring. No one tried to
kidnap me, so it had that going for it.”
“What’s Maxie like?”
“I never got to see him. Just a
bunch of eunuchs and maids, and a couple of diplomats. Now we’ll probably have
to put his relatives up if they drop
into town.” She sighed.
“Well, as you can see, I am ready
to go. Should we have the captain marry us now, or wait until we get out to
sea?”
“Um… can we talk about that, Bob?”
She drew me aside and the guys followed. “Alone?”
“Skedaddle, boys,” I said. They
skedaddled, grumbling. “What’s up?”
She clutched my shoulders, either
to firm her resolve or stop my wobbling. “I don’t want to marry you.”
I blinked. “Wow. Way to drop a
brick on a guy.”
“I mean, not right away, at least.”
“But I rescued you. Well, after you
rescued me. Maybe you did it twice if you count the serpent. But I was going to
save you from the pirates, and I did rescue you in the end. So with all this
rescuing I think we’re stuck together.”
She sighed again. “Bob, Bob, Bob…
You read a lot of storybooks growing up?”
“So is this over? You don’t love
me?”
She grabbed me around the waist.
“Oh, Bob! It’s not that! Well, maybe it is
that. I don’t know. We haven’t really had much time together, have we? I was
smitten the moment I saw you and remain smited, but can we really have a
relationship? Everything happened so fast. And some of our strongest memories
together are literal hell.”
“Yeah, literally literal.”
“Kind of hard to get past that,
even though it wasn’t our fault. I might have post-thaumaturgical stress
disorder. Couldn’t we just… hang out together for a while before we make a
commitment?”
“Oh, of course.” My turn to sigh.
“I fought the world’s mightiest and evilest mage for you, the least I can do is
go on a date.”
“We can’t just base our
relationship on saving each other all the time.”
“I guess it could get to be a
little—”
“Repetitive?”
“All right.” I looked in her eyes,
and saw them shining. They were the opposite of every horrible thing I’d been
through since I’d first set foot in this town. “As long as I can be with you,
I’ll do whatever you ask, Suzy. When do we sail?”
“That’s… another problem.”
“NOW what?”
“The ship’s only supposed to take
one passenger: me. They won’t take you.”
“You know, this is starting to
sound like a brushoff.”
“I don’t know what to do! I have no
real authority. I can’t even bribe anyone. I have no money. You have no money.”
“We should have gotten some of that
Big Evil gold after all.”
“But I do want you to come with
me.”
“All right. I will find a way.
Leave it to me.”
I saw her to the gangplank, where
all my pals waved good-bye. When she was aboard I said, “Okay, guys, I need
your help one more time.”
An hour later I was sitting in a
crate in the cargo hold, hungover, cramped, and stowed away. We were hardly off
from shore when my stomach lurched with the seas. I was sick, exhausted, and
had barely room to move. What I don’t do for a date.
If any of you had wagered I would
wind up in a box at the end of this story, I hope you hadn’t paid off yet.
Anyway, that’s about all there is
to tell for now. I know you probably wanted an epic adventure, with at least
more than one elf and two dwarves and just a mention of trolls, but I’m sure
you could find some other book you’d like better, then, books that are up to
their eyeballs in elves and dwarves and trolls. If it makes you feel better,
though, I would like to impart one bit of important wisdom I have learned the
hard way, something I tell all the kids who come to me for advice, something
for them to remember as they go through this crazy world seeking fame and
riches and excitement.
Remember always, kids, I say:
Adventure sucks.
END
[So, will Fiction Friday! return next week? Not sure now, but maybe. I have a couple of other books in the trunk, but I think they may be irredeemable. Maybe a new story? We'll find out next week!]
