To the scammer.

Dear Douchebag:

Thank you for sending me the obviously fake phishing attempt. I really appreciate your desire to get into my bank accounts and take all my money. Obviously you are not aware that I am an editor and writer, a toner-stained wretch as it were, or you would have sought more fertile ground. I am feeling generous, however, and will interpret your attempted larceny as a means of showing me how highly regarded you believe I am, and thus well remunerated. It is complete hogwash, but I'm willing to accept compliments where I can get them.

Now, let's have a look at your childish attempt, shall we? I would like to be constructive in my critique rather than just abusive.

So, what have we here? An e-mail designed to look like it came from "my" bank, Bank of America. There was a logo up top, which I have omitted in my excerpt. It is written to look like a terrifying threat: Information is missing! My account will be locked! The checks I wrote will probably bounce! And here's a handy link to click through to expose my computer to your hacking software!

I need barely mention that I do not bank with Bank of America; many people do, and I suppose it's worth firing a shotgun in hope you might hit a few quail. But can you see the missing period, oh phisher of men? Are you quite sure about the grammar, especially regarding "receive"? Does the extra space after "take" look polished to you? How about the odd choices in line spacing? And how strange that you fail to address me by name. I have no doubt that the Bank of America hires actual professionals for its customer communications. Useless scum like yourself need to consider these things.

The copyright line is a nice touch, although there is no reason on earth why a company would copyright the contents of an ordinary letter to a customer, nor insist that the rights are all reserved.

No, no, no, this will never do. The whole premise is off. If all you want is for me to update my information, why would you threaten to lock my account? (Or is it accounts? You seem uncertain as to how many I supposedly have.) Your overreaction comes across as phony. No, sir, I fear your project has failed to convince me that you are genuinely concerned with my welfare.

Furthermore, any schoolchild should know better than to click through links in an unsolicited e-mail. As the Federal Trade Commission writes, "If a company or organization you know sends you a link or phone number, don’t click. Use your favorite search engine to look up the website or phone number yourself. Even though a link or phone number in an email may look like the real deal, scammers can hide the true destination." But I imagine you still catch a few demented seniors or drunken college students with this kind of thing. Very sad.

No, I'm sorry, Mr. Douchebag, but you will have to try something more substantial to access my limited funds. Your wickedness and greed are bad enough to damn you, and yet you still have nothing to show for it from me. I think you had better luck when you were masquerading online as a Nigerian prince.

Please die in agony,

-Fred