Explosive beverage!

I'm gonna come right out and admit that this scared me a little.

So what we have here is a bottle of water -- not too scary on its surface, unless you're an anti-plastics environmentalist -- called Hello Water, from an outfit called Hello Beverages. This makes a lot more sense than them calling themselves Hello Sand Mix. 

This particular bottle (Dance) was infused with mango and orange flavors; other flavors available are Cucumber Lime (Love), Mixed Berry (Smile), Pineapple Coconut (Live), and Lemon Lime (Laugh). No sugar. Just lots of verbs. So far, so good. 

It's the "fiber infused" label that startled me.

Yes, that's right; each bottle of Hello Water has 5 grams of dietary fiber. That's 20 percent of your recommended fiber intake for the day.

You'd expect it to have particulate matter, like bits of shredded wheat or kale, floating around, but I see nothing.

Where did they hide it? And what will it do to me?

Why "DANCE"? Why do companies want me to keep dancing around the frigging house? Just like the damn yogurt people. Stop it! I WILL NOT DANCE! And if I would, I would not dance because you added fiber! Oh, wait, unless the fiber causes some kind of weird St. Vitus' Dance symptoms! Maybe I'll wind up doing a buck-and-wing all the way to the bathroom. I MAY NOT HAVE ANY CHOICE IN THE DANCING 😱

Let's calm down and start at the top: Why fiber in water, of all places?

The FDA always says we Americans don't get enough fiber in our diets, and the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics notes that it's especially important as we get older. And we're getting older. In less than two decades, older adults will outnumber children for the first time in American history. And what will all these oldsters need?

Fiber.

No surprise that General Mills introduced the Fiber One line of cereal products in 1985, when the first Baby Boomers turned 40.

But: Fiber water? Just how clogged up are we, America?

I tried it -- NOT BEFORE CHURCH. We only have two bathrooms at the main church, the one that the kids and ol' folks occupy constantly and the secret one in the sacristy that I'd only use in an emergency.

I wasn't taking chances. I drank it when I knew I'd be at home the rest of the day.

"Dance" tasted good enough. Mangoey, orangey, fine, like those no-calorie flavored seltzers but without the fizz. But where is the fiber? How does Hello Water have fiber with no actual fibers? You don't have to shake the bottle, so I guess it doesn't settle. It didn't feel chunky on the palette. 

Well, they say its fiber is derived from chicory root, but that doesn't answer my question. Is it microscopic microfiber fiber? Perhaps so; apparently the inulin from chicory root is a type of sugar and also a type of fiber. Mind = blown. So that's why it's a 10-calorie drink as well as one with fiber.

It did not cause explosive gas or the need to charge to the head. I was a little disappointed; not that I was clogged up, or wanted to do a practice run for colonoscopy prep, but I wanted some kind of reaction in the name of Science! And I thought something should have gotten going. The bottle has just half as much fiber as a 3/4 cup serving of Uncle Sam cereal, and almost as much as a half-cup serving of Grape-Nuts. So what happened to the earth-shattering kaboom?

Maybe it's because I'm just a regular guy.

Would it be useful in times of constipational distress? I would imagine so, even if its fiber is not the kind that really gets the motor running. Chugging a bottle of water always helps when things are not motile. And the flavor makes it less boring than regular water.

So is Hello Water a good product for you?

Could be. Depends on your situation. Are you good to go, or are you solid as a rock? My fellow citizens, you have to ask yourself -- are you going to the American, or are you going to the American't?