Yes, PROTESTLAND, the Protestiest Place on Earth™! All the
kids have sads that they were not able to be gassed and firehosed over real civil rights issues in the past. But at PROTESTLAND they can enjoy all the fun of protesting
things without any actual risk to their comfortable lifestyles and inflated
self-regard! Help them fight the white cis-normative patriarchy in a 100% safe space. Your little adult tots can enjoy themselves while you catch up on
their laundry.
Here are just some of the attractions PROTESTLAND has to
offer:
πWailing Wall: A safe place for kids to scream their little
hearts out about everything bad in this bad bad world!
πNonthreatening Attack Dog Petting Zoo: Don’t want your child
to face real attack dogs, right? With our well-trained attack puppies, they can
enjoy the thrill of being hounded for their principles without actual hounds.
Protestland Police Pups: Killing… with cuteness!
πSugar-Glass Storefront Smash: Breaking storefronts while
running amok is dangerous! That broken glass can give you a terrible cut. But
our storefronts have completely cut-free sugar glass, so your little
revolutionary can crash the party without a bit of harm. Talk about your social justice -- you can even eat detritus! (Note: Objects looted
in the raid are added to the price of your child's stay.)
πFirehose Water Slide: 300 PSI… of fun!
πWhack-a-Nazi: Who deserves whacking? Nazis! Who’s a Nazi?
Whomever we say is a Nazi! The popular Whack-a-Nazi game lets Protestland Pals
release some violence on pop-up dummies in brown shirts, white sheets, black shorts, MAGA
hats, all kinds of things. But they have to be quick—those Nazis are slick!
πCollege Admin Dunk Tank: Prepare them for the return to
school with the Dunk Tank, just one of many activities designed to help them
keep those college administrators in line. Hey, you can’t have a cultural revolution
without breaking some eggs. Also featured: Harass a Dean, Bump a Bursar, and Adjunct Professor PiΓ±ata.
πOccupy Everything!: While staying at Protestland, guests
enjoy wonderful accommodations reminiscent of the storied 2011 Occupy movement,
only with working bathrooms and no rape. (Guards standing by discretely.)
πBonfire of Inanities: Every evening the kids gather 'round
the ol’ fire pit and burn books, art, movies, flags, effigies, and other things that oppress
them. Smoke filters above the pit prevent pollution or secondhand smoke.
π£π₯πͺπ
Remember, folks, PROTESTLAND is the only amusement park
guaranteed not to harm your child in any way, even by the simple exposure to
the fact that decent people may have different beliefs. Best of all, you won’t
have to deal with them for a couple more weeks!
PROTESTLAND’S A HARMLESS RIOT
WHILE YOU ENJOY THE PEACE AND QUIET
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