NF Hell.

Americans, you are being called on to do your patriotic duty and watch the Jets (1-4) vs. the Cardinals (2-3) on ESPN's Monday Night Football.

America football is an American institution that's all Americany and stuff. But the National Football League's Monday Night Football ratings have been down this year -- way down. No one knows why! It's a mystery! So you have to do your bit to turn this around.

Actually, Thursday night ratings have also been down. And Sunday night. And, uh, all of Sunday too.

Whatever could be the cause? Well, there's a lot of answers. Possibly that people are fleeing regular TV, right? Everyone's streaming, right? Yes, that amazing technology did not exist before September, so you could see how it's suddenly a thing. Which is why in August Major League Baseball had a 5% increase in ratings. Because streaming video and Internet TV didn't exist then.

What's that? You think it has something to do with the NFL players showing anti-patriotic protests during the National Anthem, insulting the flag that so many football fans have gone to war for? Many protests starting right on September 11? To which the NFL did nothing? Even though if YOU tried to make a political protest on company time your ass would be out the door so fast your shoes would have to run to catch up?

Silly American! The NFL sees "no evidence" that concern over player protests has anything to do with this. None! No, the NFL knows what the problem is. Sure they do! In fact there are many reasons the NFL offers:

--Fans think our October pink stuff looks kinda swishy
--Small children are scared of Old Spice commercials; older children throw up
--Antiques Roadshow reruns have been killing it on Mondays
--Fantasy football, like other fantasy commodities, is proving to be much more popular than real football
--People are still upset that Jeromey Clary retired
--The Vikings are 5-0 and the Cubs three wins from the pennant; people think that the apocalypse is coming and are busy praying
--Fans a little miffed about our "Real Estate/Ticket Swap" plan
--St. Louis boycotting us over Rams' move to L.A.; Californians not aware that Rams moved back yet
--Color Rush uniforms too sophisticated
--Johnny Manziel keeps saying mean things about us
--Stupid Trump voters are showing solidarity for his stupid USFL
--Denver is too stoned to realize it is the defending champs
--Our campaign to draft first trans-player ("The Jackie Robinson of the Taffeta Line!") is not as popular as expected
--That darn Minecraft!
--No one is really sure that the Jaguars are an actual NFL team

See? Just because the most patriotic audience for anything in America might be offended by millionaires on the field insulting them and what they believe is no reason to think those morons out there in TV land will stop watching. No way! In fact, the NFL Players Association is already getting ready for the "Christianity Is a Hoax" protest from some of the players, and the NFL is cool with that too.

So let's us morons all get off the stick and onto the couch and watch lots of NFL crap, buy lots of overpriced NFL made-in-China merch, and eat Official Chips and Lite Beers of the NFL. It's our patriotic duty!