Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Ask Dr. Fred!


Dr. Fred, Medical Genius, is here to answer your questions. 

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Dear Dr. Fred:

Which tie looks better with my shirt, the red checked or the blue stripe?

--Wondering

Dear Wondering:

Please focus your questions on medical topics. Dr. Fred is a Medical Genius, not a Fashion Guru.

--Dr. Fred

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Dear Dr. Fred:

Do these jeans make me look fat?

--Concerned

Dear Concerned:

This is a medical question, because in point of fact your jeans do not make you look fat. It is your fat that makes you look fat. I prescribe an improved diet and more exercise.

--Dr. Fred
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Dear Fr. Dred:

Can you absolve me of the sin of leprosy?

--Icky

Dear Icky:

Please note that I am Dr. Fred, not Fr. Dred. Fr. Dred, the well-known Jamaican cleric, can absolve your sins, but note that leprosy is not a sin but a disease. See your medical practitioner for a series of strong antibiotics. If you are actually asking about lechery or another moral failing, please contact Fr. Dred.

--Dr. Fred
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Dear Dr. Fred:

Can you help? It hurts when I do this.

--Pained

Dear Pained:

It pains me to see such a sad, woebegone old medical joke being inflicted on my audience. You, sir, are what is wrong with modern medicine. 

--Dr. Fred
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Dear Dr. Fred:

I know Halloween is right around the corner, and that means zombies. As a medical man, you would be able to tell me how to defeat zombies in combat. And are they different than zuvembies? Should I worry about zuvembies?

--Armed

Dear Armed: 

Do not worry about zombies. Allow me to refer you to this article published in a prominent medical journal (that allows F-bombs), which explains in depth why a zombie apocalypse cannot happen. If you fear normal people dressed as zombies, I'm afraid I cannot help you. As for your other question, a zuvembie is nothing more than a Comics Code compliant zombie, and should be regarded the same way. 

--Dr. Fred
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Dear Dr. Fred:

When I look in the supplements section of the drugstore I freak out. All those vitamins and minerals! Fish oil! Coconut oil! Safflower oil! Baby oil! What do I need? And if they make fish oil out of fish, what do they make baby oil out of? Ew!

--Freaked

Dear Freaked:

Most supplements have overrated claims. If you eat a healthy diet and have not been diagnosed with any nutritional deficiency, you should be fine without them. Perhaps a multivitamin as a safety measure, and a calcium supplement if osteoporosis is a worry. Especially the chocolate ones. Yum. Baby oil is of course for babies, not from babies, and is made from minerals and generally includes a fragrance of some sort. 

--Dr. Fred
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Dear Dr. Fred:

Are you a real doctor? You've never mentioned being a doctor before. 

--Concerned

Dear Concerned:

You will note, please, that unlike Dr. Weil and Dr. Oz, I am not mentioned anywhere on Quackwatch. Note, too, that I am a Medical Genius. We have established that. 

--Dr. Fred
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Got any medical questions? Write to Dr. Fred, Medical Genius, at frederick_key AT yahoo.com.
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