Saturday, April 2, 2016

Versus.

Prediction: The hottest movie of 2016 will be that picture about the superpowered flying hero against the mysterious caped crusader.

Of course, I am referring to these guys:


I got part of the script from a screenwriter with a fondness for mai tais. Here's the pivotal moment in the film: Spoiler alert!

(SCENE: In a dark alley in Empire City, Mighty Mouse lands. Courageous Cat whips into view, driving the Cat Mobile. He crashes into Mighty Mouse, who does not flinch although the car is destroyed.)

MIGHTY MOUSE: Next time they shine your Cat Signal in the sky, don't go to it. The Cat is dead. Bury it. Consider this mercy.

COURAGEOUS CAT: Tell me. Do you squeak?

(MIGHTY MOUSE sneers.)

COURAGEOUS CAT: You will.

MIGHTY MOUSE: (angry) Look, I know you were created by Bob Kane and all---

COURAGEOUS CAT: But you were just cooked up by Paul Terry of Terrytoons, not Siegel and Shuster, like that big flying human.

MIGHTY MOUSE: So?

COURAGEOUS CAT: You're a ripoff. I'm an homage.

MIGHTY MOUSE: Yeah, Kane making fun of his own work. You're campier than I ever was!

COURAGEOUS CAT: (smiles) Didn't you supposedly get your powers from eating food in a supermarket? Or vitamins XYZ? You're about as serious as Super-Rabbit.

MIGHTY MOUSE: Oh, don't even---

COURAGEOUS CAT: And my career is far better. I had 130 adventures; you had 80...

MIGHTY MOUSE: I was in the movies! You were just on TV.

COURAGEOUS CAT: Like your Bakshi series in the 80's? Do you want to bring up your problems with drugs, squeaky?

MIGHTY MOUSE:: That was not drug humor!

COURAGEOUS CAT: Blah blah blah meow meow meow meow...

MIGHTY MOUSE: Well... Everyone knows my battle song. "Here I come to save the day!"


COURAGEOUS CAT: My theme was... wait... (thumbing phone) Okay, Wikipedia says it was influenced by the Peter Gunn theme and it was even covered by the New York Dolls. Get the idea? I was one. Cool. Cat.

MIGHTY MOUSE: Well, look... I can fly! You have no superpowers! You just shoot guns and things!

COURAGEOUS CAT: (muttering) I must have some kind of superpowers -- I always have like fifty different guns on me. Magnet gun, boxing gun, rope gun, parachute gun...

MIGHTY MOUSE: Huh. That's a lot of guns. Hadn't thought of that.

COURAGEOUS CAT: Well, yeah, I guess I hadn't either.

MIGHTY MOUSE: Funny that that Bat guy supposedly won't use guns, but that's all you do.

COURAGEOUS CAT: Mine are mostly nonviolent guns.

MIGHTY MOUSE: Hey, look, cat. Maybe we don't have to get into this stupid fight. Sorry about the Cat Mobile.

COURAGEOUS CAT: My fault.

MIGHTY MOUSE: Wanna go get a coffee or some cheese or something?

COURAGEOUS CAT: Here. (Shoots Cup of Coffee Gun twice; mugs of coffee appear, followed by lumps of sugar and cream.)

MIGHTY MOUSE: Thanks... That's a lot of cream.

COURAGEOUS CAT: Sorry. Cat thing. Hey, can I get a lift back to the Cat Cave?

(END SCENE)
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