Thursday, March 17, 2016

Oirish Day.

Let's get 'em out of the way, shall we?

***

Paddy and Mike are lost in the Alps when they see a St. Bernard bounding toward them, a little keg under its chin.
"Thank hivvin!" says Mike. "We're saved! Look, it's man's best friend!"
"Yah!" says Paddy. "And will ye look at the soize of the dog that's bringin' it!"

***
Irish Alzheimer's: You forget everything but the grudge.

***

Sean and Declan are in the employment office looking at the want ads. Declan shakes his head sadly and says, "It's no use, Sean. Look, this office wants toipists and we can't toipe. This comp'ny wants plumbers and we can't plumb. And the lumberjacks want tree fellers an' there's only two of us."

***

Tim is a general contractor, giving an estimate on a home improvement job. As he wanders through the house with the homeowner, he suddenly sticks his head out the living room window and yells "Green soide up! Green soide up!"
Later they pass into the kitchen, and Tim once again sticks his head out the window and yells "Green soide up! Green soide up!"
After making many notes on a clipboard and shaking hands with the homeowner, Tim steps out the front door. Suddenly, looking to the side, Tim screams, "Green soide up! Oh, God almighty, green soide up!"
"Excuse me," says the homeowner, "but why do you keep saying 'green side up'?"
"Well, beggin' yer pardon," says Tim, "but me boys are over at yer neighbor's, layin' down sod."

***

You've heard of the Irish accountant? One potater, two potaters, three potaters, four...

***
The Finnegans invite Fr. O'Hara over for a visit, and to see the new baby again.
"Christopher is a fine little lad," says the kindly priest, admiring the baby crawling on the floor.
"What do you supposed he'll be when he grows up, Father?" asks Mr. Finnegan. 
"Well, now, let us see," says Fr. O'Hara, rummaging in his pockets. He places before the baby a coin, a pencil, a small crucifix, and a folded penknife.
"Here's how I learned it," says Fr. O'Hara. "If the boy takes the coin, he's going to go into business. If he takes the pencil, he'll become a professor. If he takes the crucifix, as did I, he's destined for the priesthood. And if he takes the penknife, you can bet he'll be a soldier."
As the adults wait, Baby Christopher looks carefully at each of the four items. Then, with a sudden swoop, he gathers all four to himself.
"Saints preserve us!" cries Fr. O'Hara. "He's going to be a Jesuit!" 

***

MacGillycuddy is standing downtown holding the lamppost with one hand and a rope with the other. The constable comes by and says, "Go home, MacGillycuddy, you're drunk."
"I am not."
"What're you doing with that rope?"
MacGillycuddy looks down at the rope, up at the constable, down at the rope, and says, "Begorrah! Either I've found a rope or lost me horse."

***


Probably an Indonesian.
***

Doyle and Duffy are in the army and have to learn to parachute. The instructor explains how the ripcord works, and the backup ripcord as well. They practice jumping off of things close to the ground. Soon the boys are ready to go up. 
Duffy goes first, bravely leaping out of the plane, counting to ten, pulling the cord. Sure enough his chute pops open, he's grabbed by the harness in a mighty grip, and begins to slowly drift toward earth.
Doyle is not so lucky. He leaps out, pulls the ripcord, and it pops off in his hand. Doyle is terrified, but he remembers his backup cord. He reaches around and finds it, and yanks. It pulls open the chute, but being incorrectly packed, the chute flies away in a lump behind him. Now he's falling fast. 
Duffy is drifting down, enjoying the view, when he hears Doyle coming upon him from above, and then passing:
"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"
Duffy immediately begins to pull off his harness, yelling, "Oh, so it's a race ye want, is it?"

***

May those that love us, love us
And may those that do not love us, may God turn their hearts
And if He doesn't, may He turn their ankles
So we'll know them by their limping

***

That ought to load you up with enough material to start a fight. Happy St. Patrick's to you! 
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