Valentine's Guide for Guys.

Okay, it's Valentine's Day, and you haven't been thinking about it, but you're thinking about it right now because you're reading your friendly neighborhood Fred.

OMIGOD FRED I FORGOT I FORGOT I FORGOT SHE'S GOING TO MURDER ME AND CHOP ME UP AND BURY THE PIECES ALL OVER TOWN AND MAIL MY SPLEEN TO MY BOSS 

Relax! Old Fred is here to give you some advice. I've forgotten more about love than you'll ever know. In fact, I've forgotten all of it. But never mind! I'll see you through!


1) Forget the Usual Crap

Flowers, candy, dinner reservations -- just a waste of money. Well, not the reservations; they're free. They only cost money if you actually go eat the dinner. The point is, you don't want to do any of the boring things that every other guy does. All the good flowers and candy and reservations are gone by now anyway. A stale box of Whitman's and some gas station roses are not going to get it done.

2) Avoid These Other Boneheaded Ideas

What does she like? Besides flowers, chocolate, and fine dining, I mean. Clothes! Yeah, right. Good luck getting her something that fits. If it's too loose she'll think you think she's fat; if it's too tight she'll think she's fat. Land mine there, my friend.

Okay, how about jewelry? No jewelry in the gas station, pal. Going to spring for the local jewelry store? Good. Gold is $1,220 an ounce today. Better have a few drinks before you go to lessen the pain.

How about a gift card to her favorite store? How about showing her exactly how much you love her by showing her exactly how much you spent, eh? Yeah, that'll work, cheapskate.

Spring for pricey gift bags. These were $1 for 3.

3) Think: What's Hot Now?

Fifty Shades of Grey, right? Fantastic. So shell out for the helicopter ride, the glider, the weekend in the penthouse -- oh, wait, if you had that kind of dough you wouldn't have to ask me for advice. You'd have people for these things. What else is popular in the book and movie? Handcuffs, silk rope, duct tape? Great. You try giving her that and she'll call the cops.

4) Something Practical?

Sure, like a nice barbecue tongs or a new trash can. Or a Bissell carpet cleaner. That'll be awesome.

You know what? Maybe you should go hide somewhere until the fifteenth. Then pretend you were kidnapped and escaped. Sure, you'll wind up having to tell the story to the FBI, and they'll know you're lying immediately, but if you get some male FBI agents and tell them the truth they may let you go with a warning. And you'll get to keep your spleen.