Food is so FUN!

Were I editing the health and nutrition section of a women's magazine, I would ban the words veggie, yummy, fun, chow, delish, tummy, bod, gobble, brew, and belly. A writer who turned in copy with any of those words would be dismissed so fast she would find her desk cleaned out before she got back to it. If the copy had more than three exclamation points, I cannot guarantee that I would be able to control my actions.

Who the hell is the audience for these things, preschoolers? Why don't women demand that their magazines treat them like adults? They expect it everywhere else in life.

But no, you open any women's magazine to the health section and you read something like:

CHOW DOWN ON YOUR JUNK DRAWER?

There's no better time to start your detox regimen! That means a trip to... the junk drawer?

"People don't realize that inanimate objects have the potential to cleanse and energize their bodies," says Penelope E. Wasserkress, author of Old Crap, New You! How to Revitalize Your Health with Just Things You Have Lying Around and the Price of One Best-Seller.

Boost your bod with these 8 health hacks---right from the junk in your trunk!

1. Eye on Iron

Everyone knows iron jazzes up your blood and puts zing in your spleen. And there's plenty of iron in the junk drawer! Just melt an old tool in the pressure cooker, whip in some lo-fat cream, and dig in!

2. Let's Bounce

You know that ball of rubber bands in the back of the drawer? Try tossing some with your fave lo-carb pasta sauce for a fabu entree that puts the pep in your step.

3. Wad Ya Got?

Get all those fiber-filled scraps of paper and pizzeria coupons and Chinese restaurant menus into a wad and stir-fry with noodles and veggies for a yumilicious homemade Pad Thai! Best of all: paper is indigestible, so no calories in this colon crusher!

4. Lace and Leather

Who doesn't love an adorbs pair of tootsie-wear? And their lovely laces? Vague and indeterminate studies prove that shoelaces contain piles of antioxidants that fight disease and cancer. Roll some up as a garnish, chop some into a salad, or use them to tie veal.

5. Unlock Health

All those old keys are useless right? Wrong, girl! They're packed with zinc, magnesium, copper, and other things from the periodic table that your metabolism craves! Brew up a cuppa keys with some strong decaf espresso, leach out some nutrients, and lock in some goodness!

6. Test Your Metal

Say adios to cancer! Did you know paper clips contain aluminum, a metal that crunches cancer cells and a big-time booster for eyes, ears, nose, and islets of Langerhans? Throw a handful on your salad for a good-for-you crunch.

7. Fifty Shades of Yay!

Sure, twist ties are fun in the bedroom, but they're also fun in the kitchen! Rich in vitamins K and L, plastic-coated twist ties can be twisted into fun shapes and boiled in a slow cooker on high for 15 hours into a tasty soup. 

8. Stick to It

Scotch tape is almost as great as the namesake we health writers belt after closing an issue. Full of fiber, fenugreek, and folate, your average roll of invisible tape does more than wrap presents---it wraps up bacteria and viruses! Tape up a baked potato or a flatbread turkey sandwich to add crispy goodness. Secret Health Bonus: You can stick some on your nose and pull it off to see how clean your pores are!

Look, I understand that no one wants to sound stuffy or hectoring in these kinds of magazines, as they did in the 1800s ("Bad Mothers Give Their Child the Fatal Grippe"), but stupidity helps nobody. I've worked at these magazines and the women who assign and the women who write these things are not generally morons, but they are obsessed with the idea of making the copy Fun! I just want to know: does Fun! have to = Stupid?

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NB: Everything in the above sample article is a 100% falsehood. Don't go poisoning or hurting yourself with it. If you are dumb enough to try these "cures" and kill yourself, don't come running to me.