Briefing the dogs.

Me: All right, men -- that is, dogs -- before we go out on this morning's mission we need to get a few things straight. I have received orders from upstairs and I want to impart them to you before we begin. Yes, corporal?

Tralfaz: Sir cud we pleaz go pee now i gotta go

Me: At ease, corporal. We'll be out that door in a jiffy. Now, men, it has come to our attention that the camp has been invaded by a number of ticks over the last few weeks. This, it should be clear, is not acceptable. As you go about your duty, be watchful for these invaders. If you see a tick, do not engage. Repeat: Do not engage. Report the position of the tick and any distinguishing characteristics to your CO. Yes, private?

Nipper: wassit look lik

Me: The tick is a small arachnid ranging in size from a pencil eraser to a pencil point. The smaller ones are more likely to carry disease, but all of these are disgusting.

Nipper: wassa pencil

Me: This is a pencil. [removes and displays pencil from pocket]

Nipper: ken i chew it

Me: No. Now, on the matter of your duty, or in this case, doody, specifically regarding deer. If you see anything looking like brown M&M's or Raisinettes in the field, do not eat them. These are not food. In fact, even if they were brown M&M's or Raisinettes you shall not eat them as they would not be food for you. Either way you could end up quite ill. Consume nothing that is in the field. You know the rule...

Nipper: no frelanss snakking

Me: Correct. Yes, corporal?

Tralfaz: ok tanks for the info cud we go pleaz now still gotta pee

Me: Just hold on, now, corporal. We still have some points to address. It's also come to the attention of our commanding officer --

Nipper and Tralfaz: momy

Me: Yes, your mommy -- that you're rolling around in the dirt on rainy days.

Nipper and Tralfaz: yay

Me: No, "yay" is an inappropriate response. She and I understand that you will by necessity get damp, even dirty, but insists that you take steps to keep it to a minimum, and behave with decorum when getting dried off. No funny business with the towel. Looking at you, private.

Nipper: nutz

Me: Furthermore, there will be no barking or charging of the following: school buses, schoolchildren, joggers, old people walking, garbage men, garbage cans, mail carriers, UPS guys, or FedEx couriers.

Tralfaz: Fedex guy is up to sumthin

Me: Your mommy told me he gave you a treat the first time he met you. You worked yourself into a frenzy when he delivered a package next door yesterday.

Tralfaz: Hes up to sumthin

Me: Like what?

Tralfaz: he din com over to gimme a treat yesterday

Me: We weren't getting the package.

Tralfaz: he coulda come sed hi

Me: All right, that's enough. Standing orders remain as follows: No fighting, no attacking skunks or wasps, no fraternizing with deer or turtles. Do you understand?

Nipper and Tralfaz: yah

Me: All right, soldiers, let's go outside and pee.

Nipper and Tralfaz: too late

courtesy U.S. War Dogs Association

Catalogs.

Every day I got to the mailbox and look for huge checks. Every day I am disappointed. But last Saturday was kind of a relief. Not that I didn't get checks, but because it was Veterans' Day and I got nothing. Which meant for one day at least I didn't have to lug fifteen pounds of catalogs into the house. 

Not that I mind receiving them. They start up too early, granted. I mentioned last year that I hardly look at them, but that's not strictly true. I find them occasionally fun to look at (as noted in years previous) and helpful when trying to think of things to get for professional gifts, for the person who has everything, for the person who hates everything. I have some tough customers on my list, man.

Here's a couple of catalogs I've been checking. 

Enstrom, the gift catalog for the guy on your list whose dentist needs business!

Let me say that we have received packages of Enstrom toffee in the past, and it is the finest toffee I've ever tried, delicious and delicate, not at all like trying to break a shovel blade with my teeth. However, it is toffee, tartar grout, and if you're sensitive to these things you can almost feel your enamel rotting while you eat. I'd love to send some to my editing clients, but if any of them have just paid for crowns or periodontal work they may cut me off the payroll.

If you're not in the Christmas spirit yet -- and it's November 13, so get going! -- you might need a visit from Frontgate.

Frontgate is owned by Cornerstone Brands, and they sell higher-end Christmas decorations. We've gotten some things from them in the past and they merry and brighten up the joint just swell. Lots of choices here -- this particular catalog features eight different holiday-themed doormats, for example, which is quite a lot of doormat choices. There's even more on their Web site, including a Margaritaville-themed Christmas mat. Frontgate: For All Your Santa Doormat Needs. 

I always get a kick out of the Signals catalog, although I'm not sure why I get it. It says it's for "Fans & Friends of Public Television." I'm not really a fan of PBS, obsession with Antiques Roadshow not withstanding, and I'm unclear on the Constitutionality of having government broadcasting at all. I would not, thus, call myself a Friend of Public Television, but neither am I a Sworn Enemy of it. All that said, they get some keen stuff in Signals. My favorite this year is undoubtedly the Endless Singing Christmas Joke Greeting Card. It seems like a typical sound-chip card, playing Christmas music -- but it won't shut off. And it can play for three hours. Attempts to shut it off make it louder. In desperation your victim tears it apart, releasing a gout of glitter. How better to say Happy Holidays than annoy the hell out of your loved ones? (Available in birthday hell too!)

Finally, we have The Gift Issue from jewelry hawkers Ross-Simons:

And you know what that means, boys! Gentlemen, start your credit cards!

Be careful.

Things I done seen.

Now that the weather is getting cooler, my big hairy dogs are more up for going for walks. In fact, Friday morning we had blustering winds and near-freezing temperatures and they were thrilled. The humans in the house less so, but what do we know.

Anyway, here's a few things I saw on some recent outings.

Went out the door Thursday morning to the first frost of the season. All the shingles on all the roofs had gone from black or gray to white. It was like the whole block got old. But the first frost is pretty, and wakes you up. That morning was 31 degrees and not too bad. The following morning was 37 but with a wind that wanted to peel the flesh from your hinder. So Friday felt a lot worse.

"It's not a meter. Why would you think it's a meter? It's a... a chipmunk house. Yeah, that's right.”

You get a feeling that this wheelbarrow is a little, shall we say, overmatched?

It's crying out for a meme. Of course the line from Jaws popped into my head first, but then I settled on:

Now, from the Salacious Art of the Innocents collection, we have Harvey Weinstein starring in My Life as a Dog.

I'm not sure if this was inspired by the famous Coppertone ad, but there's something a little wrong about this thing.

Little girl showing her drawers...

...followed by pup with a kind of peculiar look on his face. He's up to something.

I'm sorry, but I don't see a good way to interpret this.

Finally, here's one that I at first thought was some kind of Halloween decoration, but turned out to just be broken:

So. We have two childlike lovers on a bench, and she leans in for a kiss... and she'll never get it because his head is broken off. There's about half a lip left of him. Hardly seems like she'll get the kiss she's hoping for.

I hate to get all Judgey McJudgeyface on these homeowners, but you gotta 1) get your meter on the side of the house like a normal person; 2) cut the wood before you load it into the comically small wheelbarrow; 3) get rid of the girl with the bloomers and the lascivious puppy; and 4) absolutely get rid of the kissing girl and her headless beau.

That only leaves the frost. The frost is okay.

Today on FredTV.

5:00 AM

Our Daily Fred
(religion) Pastor Fred leads the congregation in prayer that the network survives the week.

5:30 AM
Where Angels Fear to Fred
(religion) Pastor Fred's homily on sin in the modern world, part 752.

6:00 AM
Fred & Breakfast
(cooking) Fred whips up an egg and canned peas omelet, burns some toast, and searches for the elusive "French-Canadian Bacon."

7:00 AM
Clifford the Big Fred Dog
(children) Even Clifford turns up his nose at the egg and canned peas omelet.

7:30 AM
Fredame Street
(children) Kids learn the letters F and U, the number 8, and that the toaster is not a toy.

8:00 AM
Black and White and Fred All Over
(news) Fred reads whatever comes over the wire.

8:30 AM
Fred, White, and Blue
(news) Fred's commentary on what's wrong with America, part 921.

9:00 AM
Fred and Board
(travel) Fred freeloads on his friends' sofas. This week: Mr. Philbin asks him to leave.

9:30 AM
My Fair Fredding
(style) Fred helps a bride get ready for her wedding, with helpful ideas (like buying his novels to give away as wedding favors).

10:00 AM
Freddy or Not
(talk) Fred and guests discuss current events, style, cooking, gossip. The late Ed McMahon cohosts via an old Parker Brothers Ouija board.

11:00 AM
Fredly Devotion
(true crime) Examination of how the mental problems of Fred and people like him lead to bad behavior. Starring members of Fred's family.

12:00 PM
Behind the Pick: Fred Zeppelin
(documentary) History of the rock band Fred Zeppelin, and why they never went anywhere. Lots of garage footage.

1:00 PM
Fred Green Tomatoes
(movie) Quirky stories from a small town where people occasionally go missing, but the food is gorgeous.

2:30 PM
John Fredda Presents
(infomercial) Stylist Fredda explains how his products give you naturally curly hair.

3:00 PM
Froedipus Rex
(movie) A charming story about a boy named Froed and his mom.

5:00 PM
Fredline
(news) Fred covers an important story of the day. Today: New Twinkies--good as the old Twinkies or what?

6:00 PM
Frederal Cases
(news) Overview of the news from Washington, D.C. More bitching about it from Fred.

7:00 PM
Better Off Fred
(comedy) Hijinks at the research facilities of FredLabs.

7:30 PM
Fred Like Me
(comedy) Georgia decides she doesn't like being called Fred anymore. The other members of the Fred club object. Hilarity ensues.

8:00PM

The Fredliest Catch
(documentary) Fred and several other guys named Fred go fishing. Catch nothin'.

9:00 PM
Justifred
(drama) Marshall Fred tames the modern West. It tames him right back.

10:00 PM
The Walking Fred
(action) Zombie Fred ravages the countryside until he gets his first cup of coffee.

11:00 PM
Fred Over Heels
(movie) Guy named Fred thinks a girl is really cute even though he thinks he saw her disembowel and eat the pizza delivery guy.

1:00 AM
Night of the Living Fred
(movie) Fred's wife gets him to leave the house for dinner and dancing for once in his life already. Horrible dancing ensues.

3:00 AM
Fredator
(movie) A monster from another planet terrorizes Jesse Ventura, Al Franken, and other prominent Minnesota creeps.

4:55 AM
The national anthem, test pattern, and fingers crossed we come back in a few minutes.

Learning with dogs.

Advice I Am Trying to Give My Dogs That My Folks Tried to Give Me

"Don't eat like a crazy person!"

"Don't eat that! It's bad for you!"

"Don't break things."

"If you break your toys, you can't play with them anymore."

"Just because you're playful doesn't mean your behavior is appropriate."

"When you act properly you get good things."

"You can't have everything you want and it would be bad for you if you could."

"Don't run out into traffic!"

"Just because you look grown-up doesn't mean you are grown-up."

"If it doesn't belong to you, leave it alone."

"If you're getting bullied, give it back to 'em."

"Don't be a jackass."

"If you don't know what it is, don't eat it."

"Just because it smells nice doesn't mean it IS nice."

"Don't dig up trouble. It will find you."

"Do your best to learn as much as you can when you're young."

"Pay attention to your folks. They know things you don't."

"Fun is not always worth the trouble it causes."

"Stay friendly, even when other people aren't."

"You can't have nice things and [children / dogs]."

Vigilance required.

I hate to complain (har har) but our mild winter last year seems to have led to an overabundance of ticks this year -- and since my pups are particularly attracted to rotten wood, piles of leaves, and anything else that can harbor bugs (or otherwise lead to canine harm), I've just gotten a liiiiittle frustrated with it all.