[Another classic, meaning rerun, from the old defunct blog -- sorry, busy weekend -- Fred]
At FredLabs, we're always innovating, always striving to create
new products to help the citizens lead more happy and productive lives. Yes,
strive strive strivey strive strive, all the livelong day. That's us.
Here are some new products for the homemaker that we expect to
bring to market within the next fiscal year, products sure to be in high
demand, or perhaps high dudgeon.
The Ove Sock™: Sure, those guys who make the Ove Glove were smarty pants, but haven't you ever been so busy cooking a big
meal that you said, "I wish I had an extra pair of hands?" Well, you
don't--that would be weird--although you do have two feet that could be
stirring the pot or pulling the casserole out of the oven. But you have to protect
them tootsies--and that's where the Ove Sock comes in! Resistant to heat up to
five hundred degrees, the Ove Sock has high-impact silicone to give your feet
our patented Monkey Grip™, and yet is comfortable and breathable, so there's no
athlete's foot fungus on your food! Remember the Ove Sock--sure to be a big
seller in the Holiday Season!
The Chopping Board™: Why go to all the trouble of chopping vegetables on the board when
the board can chop the vegetables for you? The new Chopping Board™ takes the
exhausting labor out of dicing and presents perfect chef-quality uniform cuts
every time. Simply place the item on the board, turn it on, and--Pow! Sixteen
ultra-sharp blades shoot out of the board, cutting that sucker up with one
mighty blow. No busy home cook can stand to be without it! (Not recommended for homes that
feature children, teenagers, old people, forgetful people, people who drink,
people who take the fun prescription drugs [you know, the kind you could sell
on the corner], dogs, cats, or anything else that might lean on the board by
mistake.)
The Flameinator™: You know how it is with stuff in the freezer; first you have to
defrost it, and then, after all that, you have to cook it. Why not do both at
once with the Flaminator™? The Flaminator's patented combustion technology
turns that ugly ice-sore into a well-done steak in mere minutes! Two
hundred and thirty-two, actually, but they're minutes! Simply insert the food,
fill with gas, put the handy exhaust pipe out a nearby window, pull the cord a
few times, curse, pull again, and watch as the Flaminator roars to life--like
the roars of approval you'll get from your family. Foods can burn in the oven
and explode in the microwave--now put burning and exploding to work for you!
🔬🔨🔧💾🔌🔋
At FredLabs, we won’t rest until we make your life easier. In
fact, it’s fair to say we won’t rest even then. Why? Is it our commitment to
your happiness? Our dedication to the advancement of domestic science? The 53
espressos we had after lunch? What is our motivation? We’ll never know.
 |
| What could it be? |
Seala Spray™: Ever spill coffee on your
pants? Ever think that was a bad idea? Well, no more, when you treat your pants
(and other clothing) with Seala Spray! Seala Spray coats the fabric with a
stiff outer layer of plastic, so spills roll right off! If you coat the inside
with Seala Spray too you won’t ever have to launder again—just wipe them down
from time to time. Forget dealing with messy hangers that tangle; Seala Spray
clothes can be stood up in the corner until they're ready for use.
Convenient! And good for your posture, too!
The Wallba™: Those guys at iRobot think they’re so smart, with their Scooba for mopping and Roomba
for vacuuming and Looj for gutters and Mirra for pools and blah blah blah.
Well, FredLabs is first to market with Wallba, the fantastic robot that cleans
walls! Why repaint when Wallba will scrub—the easy way? Removes marks, scuffs,
doorknob bonks, and that smear where little Billy’s hair rubbed along the
wallboard as big brother Jimmy dragged him down the stairs. Whatever your wall
stain, Wallba will clean it up! (Remove all objects hanging from wall before
using. Not recommended for Sheetrock, wallpaper, paneling, or plaster walls.
Works best on horizontal wall surfaces.)
The Hot Pocketenator™: Love Hot Pockets™? Of course you do! But who wants to wait all
that time for them to get cooked? The problem is they’re too thick, so the
microwave takes too long to heat them and then they take too long to cool down.
Now you can heat up those little bundles of deliciousness fast with the Hot
Pocketenator! Just put your frozen Hot Pocket in the press, mash down, and in
seconds the product is hot—and flat! The gooey center becomes a portable cheese
and meat disk in the middle, making your Hot Pocket into a Hot Flatbread Pizza.
And a flat Hot Pocket cools down much quicker than a thick one, so before you
know it, guess what—you’re eatin’! Cook a bunch and stack them for company!
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