Those who can do, can't teach.

The old George Bernard Shaw line is "Those who can, do; those who can't, teach." More cranky Shavian wisdom, dumping his usual load of, uh, Shaw on the heads on lesser humans. 

Nevertheless, the fact that that line survives in common wisdom while many of his other pithy remarks do not shows there's some truth to it. Actors who are rolling in offers to perform don't have time to teach acting classes, but others who struggle do, and need the money. That's just one example, and I hope it isn't actually universally applicable. Do you want a brain surgeon who was educated entirely by people incapable of doing brain surgery? Do we want mathematicians on space programs who have been taught by those who can't calculate? 

Maybe it only applies to the arts. And, I'll say other skilled work, like sports. But there is a flip side, as the title of this blog entry makes clear -- many who can do actually can't teach. 

Aaron Judge may be challenging Babe Ruth's single-season home run record, but the Bambino is still the greatest home run hitter who ever lived; if he played entirely in the live-ball era with today's relatively dinky ballparks he'd have probably hit a thousand dingers. But could he teach someone to hit?

Apparently not, and the baseball people knew it. Ruth had hoped he would be selected as a manager for the Yankees, but he only got to be a first-base coach for the Brooklyn Dodgers. And that didn't go too well, according to the site DodgerBlue:  

Ruth made his coaching debut with a doubleheader but his overall time with the Dodgers was largely unassuming. Anecdotes detail Ruth’s interest in relaying signs as non-existent. He was ejected from an August game due to arguing a call with a first-base umpire.

     Ruth’s arrival did improve attendance but the team’s play largely remained the same. They went 47-49 after he joined the coaching staff and finished 11 games below .500. Brooklyn went 16-13 in July, which was just one of two winning months that season.

What about Ted Williams, the Splendid Splinter, the last man to hit over .400? He was a proud and clever man, a fighter pilot in World War II and Korea. Surely he had some wisdom to impart that would make his team better. 

Nope. Williams's stint as manager of the Senators/Rangers from 1969 to 1972 left him with a record of 273-364, and that was it for his managing career. 

How about the brilliant-hitting Cardinal, Stan the Man Musial? He had some sophisticated advice for the aspiring hitter: "You wait for a strike, then you knock the shit out of it." 

So basically we can see that not everyone is cut out to impart practical knowledge to the next generation. The reason I was thinking about this was that my dad was like that. He could fix anything, but he was incapable of teaching anything. It wasn't his fault. Good teachers really are a gift in any field, and not everyone has the knack. 

I hate the way our nation is expected to slaver over professional educators as a class. Forget it. As we've been discovering, a lot of them suck at teaching (we may have remembered that from our own schooling) and some should not be allowed near children. But if you or your kids had a truly good teacher, be grateful for that. Knowledge alone isn't enough, and theory probably does nothing but get in the way. You have to have the knack. 

10 Things About Masks.

Here are 10 Things I have learned about wearing the stupid masks for a year, thank to Chinese Death Virus That Came From Communist China. I'm sure you have more that you have learned. Feel free to add them in comments. 

1) If using a washable and reusable mask, make sure you like the smell of the detergent/bleach/fabric softener/scent booster, because you're going to have it right in your face like crazy. I suppose face masks that can be washed with chlorine bleach would be the safest, but might also kill you. Ditto ammonia. 

2) Some people are better looking with the masks. Just saying. On the other hand, you can make funny faces at people while wearing your mask as long as you keep it out of your eyes, so I guess that's getting even. Or something.

3) I was at a lunch with some guys, and one was using a neck gaiter as a mask. When he laughed his spit came right through it. What the hell is that? Something supposed to stop aerosolized spit can't even stop a gob? No wonder people are rebelling against the masks. 

4) "If masks don't work, why do surgeons wear them?" Yeah, well, surgeons don't wear gaiters, or bandanas, or those cheap paper masks from China that specifically say they can't stop germs. When this whole mess broke out I had a supply of N95 masks in the cellar that I bought to use with the paint sprayer. I can barely breathe in those things, and I supposedly have good lung function. That's why I gave up the paint sprayer. That, and it got clogged with a bolus of paint that dried like iron. Even after I cleaned it out, it always spat globs of paint like an old man at the home having oatmeal. I'll put up with that from an old man, but not a paint sprayer.

5) Men: If you're wondering if you have a huge nose hair protruding from a nostril, the mask will let you know. Probably while you're making a speech.

6) On that token, don't wash your mask in the same load with towels, especially towels used to dry the dogs. Your mask will get lots of tiny little doggie hairs that will go straight up your nose and itch like mad.

7) I want to see the heads of the people used to set the size standard for masks, especially the reusable ones. Many of them seem to be too small for a man's head, or perhaps their heads are some weird shape. The cheapo paper ones with elastic bands fit better for me, but I know some women find them too large and have to tie the bands in the back. I guess there's no one-size-fits-all with head things.

8) The most comfortable washable masks I've found cost $10 for two; they're multilayered fabric with good ear bands. But because they are thick, they are stuffy to wear in a warm room. And you can't inhale with any oomph, so if I'm reading something aloud, I find myself running out of gas quickly. Maybe worst of all, all my words come out buzzing through the layers of fabric, like I'm talking through a kazoo. Nothing sounds meaningful through a kazoo. The Gettysburg Address turns into "Yakety Sax" through a kazoo. 

9) Wearing the mask makes me very intent on not coughing or sneezing. One, because I don't want to get any residue stuck on my face, but two, because if I'm going through the courtesy of wearing this stupid thing, I don't want anyone to think I'm sick. We all know the masks suck at stopping germs. They'll throw me out or move away from me. Unclean! Unclean!

10) If you're afraid you will get a coughing fit, maybe because your mask is full of fine little dog hairs, you may wish to have a lozenge. Do NOT use a menthol lozenge like Halls. That menthol goes straight up the inside of the mask and into your eyes, burning them and making it look like you're very sad all of a sudden. Maybe if you need to fake sadness it would be a good idea, but that's up to you. 

So there are ten things I've discovered about masks. What about you?

Fred's Book Club: Dog Days.

Welcome to another entry in our famously dumb book club, the Humpback Writers, famous for its dumb name (because it runs on Wednesday, a.k.a. Hump Day), not because of its dumb books. Although some might be dumb.

Not today's book, though! In fact, this book is smart! It's the readers like me who are Complete Idiots!

The book, sitting in Nipper's crate for his nighttime reading pleasure. 

Yes, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Puppies was a book purchased by my wife and me prior to our getting senior varsity dog Tralfaz more than six years ago. He was going to be the first dog we ever raised from puppyhood, and my first dog ever, so we wanted to flatten the curve -- the learning curve, that is.

I think in this case we got the Complete Idiot book instead of the Dummies version because the former was published first. Both series are dedicated to practical enlightenment on every topic under the sun. The Dummies series by IDG Books was founded in 1991 with DOS for Dummies, and the Complete Idiot series began shortly thereafter. As Jocelyn McClurg put it in the Hartford Courant in 1997, "Who'd have thought you could make a fortune calling your reader an idiot or a dummy?" But indeed, millions of these books have been sold. I've heard that both publishers work in Indianapolis, not usually considered a hotbed of publishing, and presumably scowl at each other on the street.

Anyway: On to the book! As usual with the Complete Idiot's guides, this paperback is jammed with information and helpful tips laid out in a playful, easy to digest format. Everything you need to know about the subject is covered in a well-organized way. What kind of dog is right for your family? What will you need to have when you bring Puppy home? How can you train him to evacuate outside / not chew the dining room set / sit and stay? What should you feed him? What toys are appropriate for baby dogs? You got questions, Complete Idiot? They got answers.

This book was written by M.A. Gorman, a professional dog trainer for law enforcement agencies, so she knows her pups. Let's dip into the text and see how it matches my experience, raising Tralfaz and junior varsity dog Nipper.

Crate Training for Sanity  

Dogs like small, enclosed spaces because of the security it offers them. Crating is not jailing your dog, and the crate should never be used for punishment. Instead, it draws on your dog's preference for small spaces and allows you an extra measure of control. Practice preventive training -- putting your dog in the crate when you aren't around will help you set boundaries.

This was 100 percent right for Nipper. At the age of four he still goes to sleep in a crate at night, and trusts that if he has any problems we will be there for him. Tralfaz, on the other hand, from day one behaved as if the crate was a jail, and since he had no dime to call a lawyer would just howl so the lawyer could hear him. He never took to it, never gave us a night's peace while he was in it. He likes to act like a night watchman, getting up and moving to different spots downstairs in the dark like he's making his rounds. I think he has decided he's the security, and Nipper sleeps well knowing he's on the job. I have no problem with the advice in the book, even if I find some differences in my dogs' behavior and the expectations engendered by the text. New dog owners are always warned that all dogs are different.

Beware of Dog 

I've heard lots of parents tell me that they want to get a puppy to teach their children responsibility. Inevitably, the parents find out that getting a puppy teaches them just how irresponsible their children are. Just as you can't expect a puppy to be something other than a dog, you can't expect a child to behave like a grown-up. A puppy is a lot of responsibility -- even for an adult. 

I endorse this completely. It was not an issue in our house, but I've known families that got pets for just this reason and then Mom or Dad (usually not both) winds up doing all the work. I tell parents that if the kids are begging for a puppy, unless you are prepared for the puppy to destroy everything, starve, get hurt, get lost, or pee and poop all over the house, assume you're going to be the one responsible. Kids mean well but are not angels, and are useless when novelty is gone.

Come 

The most important command for your puppy to know and obey is the Come command. Your puppy must come when called in different situations and environments. Having this command thoroughly entrenched in your pup's obedience repertoire will not only make your life easier, it will make her life safer.
      The puppy that is always made to come when called and is praised well for his effort will always come. The puppy who is allowed to not come when he is called will consistently not come until he is good and ready.

Boy, I wish I had put this on my bathroom mirror before we got Tralfaz, Both dogs were trained on this command at home and in class, but both have decided I am not serious about it, probably because I let them slip a few times, and that was all it took. And instead we have had to have a tether (until the lawn guy ran it over), an electric invisible fence (still not trained on it due to Tralfaz's hotspot), walking on leash in our own yard, and any number of embarrassing scenes when one or both dogs got a little too friendly with pedestrians.

And this ultimately is the problem with this Complete Idiot's Guide, and perhaps all of them, and the Dummies books as well. The books are always well researched and clearly written. But if I fail to heed the advice inside, I will remain a Complete Idiot.

In practice, though, I did heed a lot of the advice, so perhaps I am an Incomplete Idiot. Which actually sounds even worse.

Back to school? Yes? No? Maybe?

I may have already mentioned in this space the lore that my late father-in-law would torture the children by telling them that summer was half over. He did this on July 5. My wife still boils about it.

Anyway, at this point summer is half over, at least in New York, where schools normally get out toward the end of June and start up after Labor Day. Private schools and colleges may start whenever, I guess, and colleges usually start at the end of August.

So it's not too surprising to see Back-to-School stuff in the stores already. But is it really back-to-school? We know that the president has insisted all schools in the country open on time for fall semester, and most cities and states and parents wish to comply. However, whenever outbreaks of Chinese Death Virus occur, even if there are no deaths, elected authorities go pull on their Time To Get Bizzay pants and order things closed. So who the hell knows what fall with bring?

Walmart is hedging its bets.

In addition to many banks of the typical BTS stuff (lunch bags, crayons, rulers, pencils, books, everything but teacher's dirty looks) there are things like these activity books by Bendon. "Learn at home!" it tells the parents who were unexpectedly thrown into the wide world of homeschooling last spring. Probably a good idea to stock up, right? And for $1.97, how can you afford not to?

But that's just for kids up to like age seven. What about the older ones? Maybe we should have big racks of Geometry for Dummies or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Physics or Advanced French for Lazy Teens or maybe even American History by People Who Don't Hate America.  

Parents with younger kids actually need help, too, with topics like Common Core for Normal People or Help Your Child Get Good Grades without Being Indoctrinated. There's a lot of opportunity here for educational publishers who want to help, whether the kids return to school or not.

Well, best wishes to the parents and the youths, because no matter if the schools do or don't open this fall, I think you're all going to need it. Even if the Chinese Death Virus vanishes, it's going to be a long road to normal. Maybe we could even shoot for better than that while we're at it.

University of Lockdown.

There's a video (it's Buzzfeed, I'm sorry) featuring a woman who decided to use the Chinese Death Virus quarantine to learn 30 new skills in 30 days. Resin art, juggling, change guitar strings, and so on. A couple of weeks in she found it to be a lot more difficult than expected, and even distressing, because although she was not expecting to become a genius at the skills, she had assumed she could achieve competence.

I boggle at her underestimation of the difficulty of the task, but I admired the attempt. I think a lot of people who found themselves stuck and home and unable to work did not use the time to learn anything, except maybe how many Doritos can be stuffed in the human mouth at once. (Looking at you, Mr. Philbin.) Or maybe what it's like to drink Quarantinis at breakfast. And now, as the restrictions are lifting and the quarantine is ending, I have to ask myself: "Self, what things have I learned during this period?"

Urm... How about these?

🏫 The maple chipotle barbecue sauce you disliked is not improved by sitting on the door of your fridge for four months.
🏫 Drinking coffee before putting on a face mask can be a problem, because you must endure your own coffee breath for as long as you need to have a mask on.
🏫 All those things you said you'd do around the house if you only had the time? Turns out that wasn't the reason.
🏫 People can use facial tissues for toilet paper when push comes to shove.
🏫 Even during mob shopping sprees, Walmart still opens just five of its 43 checkouts.
🏫 The next time China ralphs up a novel virus, run right out and buy a freezer for the cellar and fill it with meat and tasty appetizers.
🏫 Cutting your own hair is more difficult than it looks, even with electric clippers.
🏫 People can use body wash for hand soap when push comes to shove.
🏫 When you have to go out, you want to stay home; when you have to stay home, you want to go out.
🏫 To contain a virus that is passed through the respiratory system, everyone must wear masks, unless wearing masks does nothing; not work, unless they have to work; stay six feet away from one another, or three feet, or twenty feet, or two grocery store aisles away; combat dangers to health by baking a lot and binge-watching and day-drinking; stay home, especially if you feel sick; stay home anyway, because people who get it often don't feel sick; stay home, unless you want to go to protest or riot, in which case you'll be protected by the justness of your cause and the fact that no one will trace your infection to it; protect the elderly, unless you want to bunch them together with sick people in a nursing home that normally locks down during influenza outbreaks; don't hoard, although a lot of shortages come from people being at home instead of school and work and from supply-chain disruption and are not the result of hoarding; shop online instead of stores, meaning Amazon, and spray everything you buy and the box it came in with Lysol, if you can find Lysol; wash your hands for twenty seconds at least, or use hand sanitizer, but it has to be at least 60% alcohol; hoard; not go shopping for nonessentials, unless they are sold in places that sell essentials, unless the state declares those aisles off limits; not patronize small stores, unless they sell alcohol or marijuana; not sing in church, if the churches are allowed to reopen; trust the medical experts, except when they turn out to be wrong; trust the talking heads on TV, except when they lie; hydroxychloroquine may be a useful treatment, unless the president likes it; and if you want to go back to work so you don't lose your home, you will be ridiculed as someone who just wants a haircut.

That's about all I learned. Surely this has been an expensive and yet mostly useless education, don't you think?

The more you know (dog edition).

25 Things You Would Never Have Said Before You Got Dogs

1. "Don't lick the driveway."
2. "No, no, poop over here!"
3. "Don't eat that, it's dead!"
4. "Please stop scratching the carpet.”
5. "Oh, no, he'll fight you if you try to put clothes on him."
6. "Well, let's face it, at this point he'll probably die before he gets any serious tooth decay."
7. "Why is this entire yard no good to pee in?"
8. "Well, you enjoyed the same food for the last 346 days, so why is it a problem now?"
9. "Stop sniffing butts!"
10. "We don't bite the mailman, sweetie; there might be a check."
11. "You don't like where he peed? Call a cop!"
12. "Bedtime! Into the crate!"
13. "No, don't scratch that rug! Scratch the cheap one!"
14. "Don't eat mud!"
15. "He's running around naked, but that's okay."
16. "Skunks are worse than bears, man. At least my boy doesn't think he can beat a bear."
17. "It's the middle of the afternoon; why aren't you sleeping?"
18. "Don't put your nose in my mouth."
19. "Just show me where you pooped."
20. "Don't jump on your brother's head."
21. "How much more trouble would you be if we hadn't had you neutered?"
22. "No cheese for you!"
23. "Whoa, you need a bath! Come on outside."
24. "Who's a good boy? You you you you!"
25. "Does baby want a nice piece of cheese?"

Release the Caken!

Not a lot to say today -- yesterday went completely nuts on me. Busy at work, dog needed grooming, shopping, company coming, making food... and at the end of the day, baking a cake. Yes, we have a birthday celebrant as a guest, so it was placed on my shoulders to bake a cake from scratch, with filling from scratch, and icing from scratch. Three recipes I'd never tried before.

Three recipes... for disaster.

And if you want to see real recipes for disaster, then you ought to be familiar with the site CakeWrecks.com, home of the worst supermarket cakes available.

"I... am Mister Ded!"

The site's take on the song "The Christmas Shoes," with accompanying cake photos, was so touching that it made my wife sob, weep, cry, helpless with laughter.

Needless to say, there are also books.

My cake was not that bad, although I had trouble getting the filling to set properly. Stayed up late working on it. It got there, but it was driving me to distraction. Seriously distracted -- I had been gnawing on some extra chocolate chips, and decided to take some chewable Advil for the pain in my stiff neck. The problem is, there is no chewable Advil, only Advil Liquid Gels, which should never be chewed. And I found out why. Ibuprofen, Stewart Adams's wonderful invention, A) Tastes like iodine; B) Burns your mouth with some kind of mild chemical action; and C) Renders your taste buds inert for a period of time.

I hope our friend likes the cake. It came out looking great, thanks to the guidance and participation of the Mrs. during assembly. But the proof of the cake is in the eatin'.

Your takeaway from all this? Learn from Fred's mistakes. That's more than I usually do.

Dog eat dog.

Following up on yesterday's dog post, I have another canine question that Dr. Temple Grandin sparked in me with her book Animals Make Us Human. It also touches on the grief I get from some other dog owners.

The thing is, my wife and I got our dogs from breeders. Not from puppy mills or the like; these were AKC-approved home-based dog breeders whose homes were open to inspection, who provided us veterinary records and encouraged us to contact the vets if there were questions. In short, every human baby should have care this good.

There are plenty of people I'm friendly with who would smite me for that anyway. Many are quite reasonable in their objections, but others shout "Adopt, don't shop!" like angry political protesters, substituting emotion for reason. And I know it's important to save lives of animals in shelters if you can. But let me explain.

Long before we landed our first dog (senior varsity dog Tralfaz), I wanted to rescue a dog and bring it up. But a friend of mine who is a retired veterinarian told me that, in our area of suburbia, most of the dogs that are sitting in shelters are pit bulls or other dogs with a reputation for aggressiveness. Now, before anyone defends any breeds, I mention it because he said that these dogs had been rescued from creeps who were training the dogs to be aggressive, either for protection, for fighting, or just for general badassery. So while you may say that a pit bull is as gentle as a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, I don't want to try my luck with any dog that's been raised to be mean. Remember, Tralfaz was our very first dog, and we didn't know what we were doing, and so we wanted a breed known for gentleness, one that was an untraumatized puppy -- and even then we hit the vertical learning curve.

We probably all have known people with adopted dogs that cannot behave. I've seen some insane dogs in the local dog parks who either want to kill everything or hump everything (or kill half and hump the rest). I have friends who rescued a dog; when I suggested I bring up mine for a canine kaffee klatsch, they told me, "Oh... no. Pookie can't stand to be with any other dog." In other words, Pookie would try to rip Tralfaz's neck open.

Some great trainers, like the famous Cesar Millan, have been successful working with the mentality of the enforced pack, as I mentioned yesterday. Millan says as long as he is the alpha, the dogs won't fight each other to become an alpha. But Millan has been around working farm dogs (not in-home pet dogs) since he was a child. He knows what he's doing. We didn't. But we learned.

My dogs behave well, and that's mostly a credit to my wife and the training classes we took them to. But it was a lot of work, and I mean a lot of work. And these are breeds known for being friendly people-oriented dogs! Some breeds are better at this stuff than others. But any of them can become problem dogs with poor upbringing.

In the Grandin book I mentioned yesterday, she described the life of her local neighborhood dogs in her childhood in the early fifties, before leash laws and fences were everywhere. "The dogs slept and were fed in their respective homes but ran loose during the day," she writes. "They never got into fights, and they never chewed up the house because they weren't inside the house during the day. They were outside, where they had things to do."

Nowadays dogs, much like children, have trouble dealing with frustration, which makes it escalate straight to rage. (This explains our current political culture, actually. But that's another topic.) Grandin notes that "dogs aren't free anymore. I don't think anyone knows what the effect has been.... I can't tell whether there's definitely more human-directed aggression, although dog bites did increase by 36 percent between 1986 and 1994.... My question is: Are we seeing an unintended consequence of leash laws? By passing laws to make life safer for dogs, did we make it more dangerous for people?"

While dog-bites-man news is proverbially so common it never made the papers, remember that Grandin's past was an era of free-range dogs and people with very little aggregate feelings of kindness toward animals -- it's amazing that dog bites didn't happen in every town eighteen times a day. Would it happen now if we let the dogs all run free again?

This made me wonder about the dog shelters themselves. Back in Grandin's childhood (she was born in 1947), dogs did not stay long in the custody of the dogcatcher before they were euthanized. Nowadays they can spend their entire lives in no-kill shelters. This makes us feel better about the dogs. But note that even PETA finds that there are "deadly consequences to no-kill policies." And they are talking about bad care in some of these facilities; I'm talking about the behavioral effects of dogs being kept for years in a non-family situation. In other words, have no-kill shelters led to generations of bad dogs? Is this another way our attempt at kindness has caused an unintended opposite consequence?

I really don't know. I'm not being coy. I would like to know the answer.

I have great admiration for people who stick it out with tough dogs, more than I can say. I mentioned how hard it was with our very young, very friendly puppies. An older dog that had lived hard at the hands of bad people? I can't imagine I could cope with that.

Tom Shelby, dog trainer to the stars, wrote an interesting book called Dog Training Diaries. This guy has trained hundreds of animals and knows all the tricks -- and even he's given up on some dogs. Here is the ending of one sad tale from the book:

It was this second attack that prompted me to say, “Eunice, I don’t want anyone to be able to say that I was taking money training a dog that should have been put down. Therefore, I’ll work with you for no charge. I’ll take on the challenge for free under the following condition.”
      Eunice crossed her arms across her chest and said, “What condition?”
     “Eunice,” I said. “This is America, land of litigation. I read somewhere that there are more lawyers in this country than in the whole world put together. I want you to sign a memo of understanding acknowledging my stipulation that in order to keep the public safe, Daniel will always be muzzled when in the presence of anyone other than you. No matter how careful anyone is,” I explained. “There’s always human error, be it walking a dog or the Indian Point nuclear facility. By protecting the public, you will also protect yourself, me, and Daniel.”
    To my great astonishment she said, “I won’t sign something like that.” Actually, I was more than astonished. I was shocked at her refusal. “Well, that’s the best I can do, Eunice. Think about it and get back to me if you change your mind.” ....
     No call ever came.

He had been working with dog Daniel for a number of sessions before he had this chat with Eunice. Eunice was socially isolated because Daniel would attack anyone or anything. Shelby had done everything he knew to promote nonviolent behavior and Daniel still went for him. This may be an outstandingly tough case, and Shelby clearly doesn't give up, but A) most people with a dangerous dog can't get a Tom Shelby to help, and B) most people with a dangerous dog will either suffer terribly for it, or abuse the dog, or turn the dog back in, or kill it, or abandon it on the road. There are no good answers.

Probably the best thing we could do for more and better and happier dogs are real, no-nonsense, no-sentiment lessons in school about animal care. Seriously, even kids who grow up in houses with dogs have no idea how hard it is to train a dog for things like not reacting with fury to the doorbell, either because they weren't involved in the training or that it just wasn't done. Unless we've raised a dog, we have a lot of erroneous impressions that need correction. Everybody needs to know from a young age that pets require care and commitment -- even when we don't feel like it.

I think half the trouble we have with homeless dogs comes from people with unrealistic ideas about what they should want from or expect from Man's Best Friend. And that's a pity.

Things I learned the hard way.

There are different ways to learn in life -- you can learn from applying yourself to theory and being out front with research; you can learn from good experience, if you're paying attention; you can learn from others' experience, if you're open to it; and you can learn from my favorite means, doing something stupid and suffering the consequences. "Experience keeps a dear school, but fools will learn from no other," says that Franklin guy, and maybe he should know.

So today here is the benefit of things I had to learn the hard way, usually because I would not read the label, listen to the experience of others, or follow common sense. I was quite young for most of these, but sadly, not all of these. Maybe this will save some trouble for you out there in Internet land.

💣💢🚔💔💩🔪🚽🚑

Don't take up smoking. If you never smoke, you'll never miss it; if you take it up, you can quit, but years and years later you'll still miss it.

Do not avoid asking the person on a date because you're afraid of what third parties will think.

Never put Dawn in the dishwasher.

If you want to join a serious league, make sure you are serious about the sport. Otherwise you can and will get hurt. And lose.

When cooking for someone for the first time, don't combine unexpected things, like peas in the omelets, even if someone else sprung that one on you in the past.

Drunkeness is never appropriate, except when everyone else is drunk, and even then some idiot will suggest driving someplace and it will seem like a fine idea.

Many college professors will not put up with sloppy, chucked-together homework the way high school teachers will, no matter what a genius you are, Precious.

Do not lose focus on ladders.

In winter, be aware that black ice is always an option.

Redheads are evil. Okay, not all of them. Maybe not most. Maybe I was just attracted to evil ones. Or maybe my behavior encouraged evil responses. Maybe I need to think this one out some more.

Never cut frozen bacon. Thawed bacon is slippery enough.

When you get your driver's license for the first time, pay special attention to turning lanes, speed limits, and your proximity to the car in front of you. This will save you tickets, money, and embarrassment, at least.

You don't see them around that much anymore in the era of the big battery, but: When using plug-in yard appliances, never lose sight of where the freaking electrical cord is. This is especially true for appliances with sharp blades, like lawn mowers and hedge clippers. Especially lawn mowers and hedge clippers. And especially especially when you're supposedly getting paid to use them.

Small children, puppies, and dumb people require more patience than you have. If you expect to encounter these, you had better get some more.

Limit the Oreos. Decide how many you should have in advance and take just those. That number should be in single digits. Talking to you, Teens of America.

Those stupid things your dentist tells you to do? Do them.

💀🏥🚒🚫🔥❌👊👿

Is this everything I learned in life the hard way? No, since I pretty much learn everything the hard way. I might have to visit this topic again.

Marriage is a great institution.

But who wants to be in an institution?

I see a lot of jewelry ads this time of year where guys are giving big diamond engagement rings to girls in Christmas settings. I actually know a couple that got engaged on a carriage ride at Christmas. You'd think Christmas was by nature a romantic time of year, but it really isn't -- the Holy Family modeled perfect love, but not romance. However, folk songs (yick) demonstrate that Christmas has long had a "true love gave to me" feel to it, so I suppose there's something to it. 

Then again, people get a lot of cars in Christmas commercials too, and I've never gotten one. 

But we must assume that many people in relationships are considering popping the big one this time of year, so we ought to add a word of advice here, dusted off from my old defunct blog:

As that profound religious thinker, The Impressive Clergyman, once said, “Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togedder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wiffin a dweam. And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva. So tweasure your wuv.”

It’s a sad fact that there is a lot of divorce about today. Then again, maybe some people don’t think of it as a sad fact. Maybe they think in olden times when few people were divorced that most people were stuck with other miserable people, but now everyone can be free to dump the other person and they can each go and try again elsewhere, and that it’s a good thing all around. Hooray!

But divorce is not exactly a new thing. As far back as 1947, in the novel Full Moon, P.G. Wodehouse describes his young American millionaire, Tipton Plimsoll, as "The son of parents who after marrying each other had almost immediately started marrying other people with a perseverance worthy of a better cause," and that "his had been one of those childhoods where the faintly bewildered offspring finds himself passed from hand to hand like a medicine ball." Back then the American wealthy were known for divorcing---see also 1939’s The Women by Clare Boothe Luce---while the peons, aware that their reputation as well as their financial security was at stake, stayed together. Now it’s the other way around, ironically.

I am a strong believer in the institution of marriage. Of course, mine is intact because I married a saint. Still, for at least one of us, there was a steep learning curve when we first got married. Maybe more like a learning wall. Sorry, honey. Anyway, marriage is the building block of society; people running around permanently unattached do not make a society, they make anarchy. Two problems with anarchy: It’s only fun until it actually happens; it may be the shortest-lived of any kind of society, because some tyrant will come along and impose order with the promise of security. Only the strong like anarchy because they intend to do away with it.

Divorce is nothing short of disaster to the one who still wants to stay in the marriage while the other does not. A number of my friends have gone through that and my heart goes out to them. I’ve also known folks who said their marriage had fallen or was falling apart, but I think that's a misnomer. Barring tragic circumstances, marriages do not just fall apart. Someone is dismantling them. Or they never existed in the first place.

That’s why we Catholics insist on Pre-Cana, the preparation for marriage. No one ever knows entirely what they’re getting in for with marriage, but you had better have some awareness and be warned to build that house out of bricks. Even lapsed Catholics have a lower rate of divorce than the norm, but they have a considerably higher rate of divorce than those who attend Mass faithfully. And no matter whether divorce is a needful or frivolous thing, there's nothing happy about it.

So don't go popping the question because Zales or Kay make it look like fun. Go into marriage with your eyes open and your TV off, kid. 

And remember, always tweasure your wuv. Wuv, after all, makes the world go ’wound.

Learning with dogs.

Advice I Am Trying to Give My Dogs That My Folks Tried to Give Me

"Don't eat like a crazy person!"

"Don't eat that! It's bad for you!"

"Don't break things."

"If you break your toys, you can't play with them anymore."

"Just because you're playful doesn't mean your behavior is appropriate."

"When you act properly you get good things."

"You can't have everything you want and it would be bad for you if you could."

"Don't run out into traffic!"

"Just because you look grown-up doesn't mean you are grown-up."

"If it doesn't belong to you, leave it alone."

"If you're getting bullied, give it back to 'em."

"Don't be a jackass."

"If you don't know what it is, don't eat it."

"Just because it smells nice doesn't mean it IS nice."

"Don't dig up trouble. It will find you."

"Do your best to learn as much as you can when you're young."

"Pay attention to your folks. They know things you don't."

"Fun is not always worth the trouble it causes."

"Stay friendly, even when other people aren't."

"You can't have nice things and [children / dogs]."

Dog test.

There's a family I know that recently got its first ever dog. I'm not sure it was a good idea. I don't think they were prepared and I don't think they've learned much since they got it. They never do anything with it. It just hangs around and gets walked in the yard once in a while. I think they're in over their heads.

And I know what I'm talking about. Longtime readers know I had a perpendicular learning curve when we got Tralfaz, the first dog. And it was really difficult. But my wife was always doing research, always working with him to teach him what he had to know, always stressing that we needed to have patience (even while she was losing her cool). She was an ideal of someone who loves dogs and is determined to learn to be a good pet mommy. 

Now the owner of two dogs with a combined weight of more than 200 pounds, I'm still no expert on dog rearing. I do know a few things that I learned the hard way, which is pretty much the only way I learn anything. If you're a novice dog owner, I hope I can teach you them the easy way. Some of these are pretty common tips. Even these bear repeating.

Note: This is an illustration
of a dog.

1) Know what kind of dog fits into your life.

If you work 20 hours a day and live alone, probably no dog is going to fit into your life. Dogs require time and care. If you are a super-active family, a lazy dog like an English bulldog may disappoint you. If you're a lazy family, don't get a dog bred to run amok, like a border collie. If you want a hunting dog, a pug might not do the trick. Be careful; an Australian shepherd, for example, is very different from an Australian cattle dog, although they're both energetic. You need to find a dog that fits your life. But your life is going to change anyway. 

2) You'd better like things dogs like. 

You and your dog will spend a lot of time together, so you had better share some interests. If your interests include playing with toys, eating treats, learning new things and teaching them, taking walks, playing in the yard, chasing cats, humping legs -- wait, skip that last stuff. Basically if your idea of hell is throwing a ball in the yard, or taking walks, or any of the other things dogs enjoy, you may not like having one. If you're just going to throw the dog in a crate at night and in the yard during the day, what's the point?

3) Children have to know that owning a dog is not like owning a toy, and they're not even good at owning toys.

Obviously that means that little kids who pull tails and stuff are too young to be responsible dog owners, but that also goes for older kids, like the one in the family I mentioned. You don't just put a dog in a box and take him out when you feel like playing. Teenagers seem to reach this stage pretty fast. And as I note, it's not like kids even take good care of their toys, unless someone makes them. I'm not big on treating a dog like a baby (well, not officially), but at least that gets the point across that the dog is a living thing and relies on you for necessities and attention.

4) Calculate how much you expect to spend on your dog. Then double it. 

Especially if you're a sucker for dog toys and novelty treats, like me. And consider pet insurance, if you can swing it. You don't want to have to lose your beloved pet because you just can't pay for treatment.

5) Calculate how much time it will take to train your dog. Then triple it. Then do it again.

Real dogs, unlike movie dogs, are not born knowing things. Worse, after they learn them, they will forget. They need training and reminders. I was under the impression that dogs naturally fetch toys and bring them back. Neither of mine will, and one even has retriever in his job description. Really, they don't know much when they're puppies. And if they're not taught, they won't know much when they're dogs.

6) Dog affection is not like in the movies.

Dogs are not always going to come over and give you a lick when you're down. Sometimes they seem baffled by all human emotion. Some breeds are especially attentive to moods, and some seem almost indifferent. It varies from dog to dog. Some dogs don't even seem to be particularly loyal. But plenty of them are affectionate, like Labs and Goldens and Old English Sheepdogs. Just remember, an affectionate dog will also want a lot of your attention. Two-way street.

7) People do fail at this.

Dog owning looks easy when you see other folks with their pets, let alone when you see them in movies or on TV, but it's not. Puppies have destructive impulses, disobedient streaks, and periods -- like the equivalent of teen years -- when even the nicest dog turns into a total pain in the ass. People often give up on dogs when they reach that stage; shelters are full of very nice dogs that outgrew the horrible stage after a family had just had enough and got rid of them. The failure to prepare for the dog and to know this stuff is coming is, as they say, a preparation to fail.

But sometimes there's nothing you can do. I know a person whose family had to give up a rescue dog because the pup could not (on vet's advice) be in a family environment. The dog would not stop eating and swallowing articles of clothing, and needed multiple surgeries to remove them. So even when people do all their due diligence, even when they have all the love and preparation they can muster, even then sometimes it's a failure. (The dog went to live in a permanent no-kill shelter, by the way, where there would be no socks or underwear around to eat. The family visits.)

8) It may not be the toughest job you'll ever love, but it will be among them. 
Compared to raising a child, raising a dog is easy. If you can stand the insanity for a couple of years, if you train and train again, odds are very good you'll have a good dog in the end. Kids? Who can say? And the worry and stress never stops. Still, raising a dog is hard work, and if you (and the dog) get through it, your life will have been enriched, I guarantee it. Not because of the affection from the dog; as I said above, you may not get that. But because you nurtured and taught a pretty smart creature and took on a responsibility for something outside yourself. That's how we develop our own character.

At least, that's been my experience. And I'm certainly a character. 

25 things I learned about cooking (some the hard way).

1. Garlic salt ≠ garlic powder.

2. When the recipe says let the meat rest, let it rest. We don't want the serving dish to look like a scene from Bones.

3. A minute means the difference between a bad soft-boiled egg and a bad hard-boiled egg.

4. If you make up a recipe or make changes to one, write down what you did, or you will never be able to re-create it and people will wonder why you can't make X as good as you did that one time. "Remember that time? That was so good."

5. Cookies burn fast.

6. It's difficult to overbake a potato, but really easy to underbake one.

7. Many things go well in a salad, but know your audience before adding raw onion. Yes, even a mild onion.

8. The amount of work we put into something does not obligate someone else to enjoy it.

9. Some oven gloves, like some bathroom towels, are really just for show. In the case of oven gloves, make sure you know if it's good before grabbing the turkey pan.

10. Making a cake is easy. Making a cake look good is tricky. Making it look like something in a magazine is hugely difficult. The baker who did that had a lot of instruction and ruined a lot of cakes getting that good.

11. If you are a non-baker and you make four dozen cupcakes for a special event, you will be sick to death of frosting them around #17.

12. Turn the burger over when you see red running out from the top. It's done when... Well, make your best guess. No burger ever gave anyone E.coli because it was cooked too much.

13. Disposable foil pans work well with some recipes but not with others. Only one way to find out which.

14. Baking is chemistry, with four main components: temperature, ingredients, volume, and time. A change to any may ruin what you're making. Using a 10-inch pan when you are supposed to use a 9-inch pan may be possible by adapting other components, but it's guesswork unless you're a real baking genius. Keep toothpicks on hand for testing.

15. Even the color of the pan can ruin what you're baking. Generally foods in dark pans should bake at 25 degrees F lower than the recipe calls for, but that may not be enough. If you have a choice, avoid dark pans. They're annoying and add no benefit.

16. Your family may love some recipes, but that doesn't mean other families will even want to try them. Recipes that feature Spam, for example, are dicey that way.

17. A high price is not a guarantee of excellence with cookware.

18. Work very hard to keep hair out of food and bones out of fish. It's important.

19. Every oven is a little different. Usually it's not a big deal, but it can be, especially with delicate stuff. A roast can take a lot more punishment than a meringue.

20. There are 8,000,000 recipes online that promise to make a cheap steak as tender as a mother's kiss. All 8,000,000 are lying. (A slow cooker may eventually get it to be merely dry and chewy, which is an improvement.)

21. When a recipe calls for fresh herbs, you can get away with dried -- just use ⅓ as much.

22. Related note: 1 teaspoon = ⅓ tablespoon.

23. There are chefs who act as if canned vegetables are an affront to all that is good and holy. I like to think I'm made of sterner stuff than that. I admit there are differences among products; canned corn is just fine, but canned asparagus loses that nice fresh snap.

24. Anyone who uses the expression "Easy as pie" has forgotten the first time he ever tried to make a piecrust. "Easy as eating pie" would be a better expression.

25. The company is more important than the food.

Science like caramel.

I've solved the problem for teaching students the holy grail of Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math, the Fab Four known to their friends as STEM.

We keep hearing that our students are not studying these lucrative topics in the numbers we need to supply our high-tech industries.

It's one reason that companies like Disney are forced---against their will, really!---to bring in foreign workers under the H-1B visa program and pay them less than the Americans who had the jobs before. (Wait, what...?)

Well, while all these discussion is going on, we're working on training Nipper, the new puppy. Nipper is very, very, very, very,* very motivated by treats. As was Tralfaz, the older boy. So, you start them learning things with rewards, and then over time you vary when you give them, and then you can stop with the treats. We were talking about how well Ferocious N is doing with the training.

And that's when I got my great idea.

Treats!

What would motivate a kid better than treats? Ace the quiz? Treat! Nail the report? Treat! Solve a stack of quadratic equations? Ice cream sundae!

Would've motivated me!

Here's the problem---we're used to giving kids stuff for no reason. Dogs in training have to earn their treats. The kids will have to also. So no going out for ice cream "just because." No cookies and cake for "birthdays." No candy for "holidays." You want the goodies, kids, you gotta make the grade.

One objection is that this will exacerbate the childhood obesity menace in this country. Well, most kids aren't that bright. Only the smart ones will get fat. And then they'll be able to make lots of money for personal trainers and Jenny Craig.

Another objection is that it teaches kids that achievement = sweets, that when they get out on their own they will just reward themselves like a rat pressing the lever in a pleasure reward box. I say: They do that now. Those Doritos ads are not targeted toward my demo, you know. By keeping the treats completely off-limits without accomplishments until the kids are 18, they'll at least have a chance to grow up without being addicted to the stuff. And then they can go get fat on their own, but it won't be the parents' fault.

The parents are the key here. All families have to follow the standards that will be set down, no exceptions, or this won't work the way it does with puppies. Nipper can't go out and bargain for treats with the dogs up the block, or ride a bike down to the treat store. Believe me, he would if he could. No, every adult in America has to get on this bandwagon. How hard can it be?

So that's the drill, kids: You want the caramel, you learn the science. Then, progress!

-----

*very, very

Limits of book learning.

When I was in college, and shortly thereafter, I was very hot on the wisdom to be found in books. I began reading Plato and some of the more modern chaps, hoping to fill the holes in my education and solidify the wisdom that I hoped above all attributes to possess.

You might have thought that I'd have been more wary. Not that the books were bad; I chose only the best, and I learned a lot. But I didn't figure in evidence of the limitations of book learning:

1) Real-world experience was an entirely different order of knowledge, which I knew since my old man was no college kid but still an extremely bright and accomplished guy -- and if I expected book knowledge to fill in my experience, that was not going to happen;

2) Books could only be as good as the reader, which my titanic struggles with trigonometry should have made obvious (I assume we had a good textbook in high school but I barely understood enough to know if it was);

3) A lot of books are written by numskulls, dimwits, shysters, con artists, thieves, dullards, dingbats, highbinders, gasbags, dodos, and miscellaneous knuckleheads, and they all have one thing in common: They want to sell books. So the blurb may be writing checks that the text can't cash.

I was reminded of all this when I saw this gem in the library the other day:

Now, for all I know, Teach Yourself Swahili may be one of the most revolutionary language texts ever written, one that has whole legions of English speakers babbling fluently in Swahili by page 10. Perhaps if I'd had books in the series about Spanish and French, those courses would have been Easy A's for me instead of difícil B's and misérable C's. But I doubt it.

If I have learned anything in life, it's that learning itself is hard. Sure, when you completely fall in love with a subject -- often something like fishing or poetry -- it may not feel hard, but if you looked at all the man-hours you put into learning it, you'd probably see it was a lot of time and thus effort. And how many things do we have to learn in life that spark real passion? Some people may be able to explain the uses of algebra eloquently, but does anyone love it? (I loved it more in retrospect when I ran up against the cheese grater of trig.) And not everyone will love a particular thing -- some people love to cook, but for others it is a horror show. I am suspicious of every attempt to make learning fun for kids, because at some point the fun is going to stop but the learning will have to continue.

Malcolm Gladwell touts the 10,000-hour rule, that it takes 10,000 hours of practice to get very good at anything. I suppose that may be true. That would be five years of full-time work with two weeks off a year. But you have to work the right way. I don't think that spending 10,000 hours with Teach Yourself Swahili would get me to any real language competence, although I'd probably be able to get around. Except that the boredom would kill me before the five years was up.

One other thing I learned about books: It used to be a point of honor for me to finish any book I started. Not anymore. Life's too short. I encourage anyone to follow that rule, except with my books. You have to finish those. All the best stuff is at the end.

Learning curve.

Yep, story of my life.