But never mind that crap. Who watches these things? What we watch at this time of year are Hallmark movies, films that require their own special awards ceremonies.
The nominees have not yet been announced, but here are the categories that filmmakers will be (and in fact have been) vying for throughout the holiday season this year:
👑 Best Blonde
👑 Best Rugged Guy Who Still Looks Clean
👑 Best Baxter
👑 Best Santa (the real guy)
👑 Best Santa (townsman in a Santa suit)
👑 Best Theft of a Plot from a Classic Story
👑 Best Theft of a Plot from an Existing Hallmark Movie
👑 Best Performance by a Former TV Star
👑 Best Performance by a Former TV Star Fighting to Look Sober
👑 Best Performance by a Studio Backlot as a Small Town
👑 Best Performance by a Canadian City as New York City
👑 Best Performance by a Dozen Extras as an Entire Town Population
👑 Best Performance by a Dog Not Acting Like a Real Dog
👑 Best Old Boyfriend
👑 Best Grizzled Family Friend
👑 Best Goofball Older Relative
👑 Best Use of a Minority
👑 Best Lip Syncing to a Classic Christmas Song Uncovered by Copyright
👑 Best Jerk Boss
👑 Best Plot Device That Will Ruin the Whole Town
👑 Best Pre-Movie Death
👑 Best Adorable Tot
👑 Best Wacky (But Not Too Wacky) Sidekick
👑 Best Use of a Gazebo
👑 Best Fake Snow
👑 Best Enthusiasm Over Christmas Goodies by Someone Who Appears to Not Have Tasted Sugar Since 1998
👑 Best Supernatural Character Who May Be an Elf or Angel or Mrs. Claus or Something
👑 Best Ensemble Award for Pretending It Is Cold During May Filming
👑 Best Screenwriter (Under $100)
👑 Best Screenwriter (Over $100)
👑 Best Title That Tells You What the Movie Is and Still Gets "Holiday" or "Christmas" In
👑 Best Royal from a Fictional Country that Speaks English
👑 Best Screenplay Conflict Misunderstanding That Could Be Resolved in Twenty Minutes Stretched to Two Hours of TV Time
👑 Best Kiss Just Before Credits
In addition, there will be several consolation categories, such as:
👑 Couple Most Likely to Break Up by February
👑 Performer Most Likely to Face Charges
👑 Most Highly Spurious Couple IYKWIMAITYD
👑 Least Convincing Portrayal of High-Powered Go-Getter by Someone Who Looks Like She Can't Figure Out Which Sock Is the Right Sock and Which Sock Is the Left Sock in the Morning
You may still be waiting for Oscar night or the Emmy Awards, but I would stay up late to watch these.
5 comments:
And best Meredith Baxter "Who stole my baby!?!? Where's my baby?!?!" performance. :)
An awards ceremony? Nah. Hallmark will just send the winners each a greeting card with "Congratulations" in fancy script on the front and an award-appropriate message inside. Like:
Don't worry! You won't take the loss,
Because you've won for Best Jerk Boss.
So celebrate, and take the win
For you've beaten some other old has-been.
Your performance made us swoon
For such a handsome angry loon.
Now celebrate your win this year
Go out and buy yourself a beer!
Winners will be posted on the Hallmark Channel website.
I have my Hallmark Christmas move script mostly outlined. "Die Hard" without the terrorist/thieves.
Thanks, boys! However, Fiendish has won the comments.
Congrats! Hooray! You hit the mark!
Your brisk response was full of snark!
This award may pay off in some manner someday
Meanwhile it and a token will get you on the subway.
Burma Shave
Best Use of a Gazebo. Perennial winner, James Lileks.
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