Hallmark Movie Awards!

Everyone knows that the end of the year is the time for Oscar trawling, when lower-budget films starring name actors arrive in theaters to lose money in the hope of getting some of that sweet Academy Award juice and then make money. If a straight actor plays gay, a glamour-puss goes without makeup, or a comedic actor makes the most boring film imaginable, you know it's Oscar fishing season.

But never mind that crap. Who watches these things? What we watch at this time of year are Hallmark movies, films that require their own special awards ceremonies.

The nominees have not yet been announced, but here are the categories that filmmakers will be (and in fact have been) vying for throughout the holiday season this year:

👑 Best Blonde
👑 Best Rugged Guy Who Still Looks Clean
👑 Best Baxter
👑 Best Santa (the real guy)
👑 Best Santa (townsman in a Santa suit)
👑 Best Theft of a Plot from a Classic Story
👑 Best Theft of a Plot from an Existing Hallmark Movie
👑 Best Performance by a Former TV Star
👑 Best Performance by a Former TV Star Fighting to Look Sober
👑 Best Performance by a Studio Backlot as a Small Town
👑 Best Performance by a Canadian City as New York City
👑 Best Performance by a Dozen Extras as an Entire Town Population
👑 Best Performance by a Dog Not Acting Like a Real Dog
👑 Best Old Boyfriend
👑 Best Grizzled Family Friend
👑 Best Goofball Older Relative
👑 Best Use of a Minority
👑 Best Lip Syncing to a Classic Christmas Song Uncovered by Copyright
👑 Best Jerk Boss
👑 Best Plot Device That Will Ruin the Whole Town
👑 Best Pre-Movie Death
👑 Best Adorable Tot
👑 Best Wacky (But Not Too Wacky) Sidekick
👑 Best Use of a Gazebo
👑 Best Fake Snow
👑 Best Enthusiasm Over Christmas Goodies by Someone Who Appears to Not Have Tasted Sugar Since 1998
👑 Best Supernatural Character Who May Be an Elf or Angel or Mrs. Claus or Something
👑 Best Ensemble Award for Pretending It Is Cold During May Filming
👑 Best Screenwriter (Under $100)
👑 Best Screenwriter (Over $100)
👑 Best Title That Tells You What the Movie Is and Still Gets "Holiday" or "Christmas" In
👑 Best Royal from a Fictional Country that Speaks English
👑 Best Screenplay Conflict Misunderstanding That Could Be Resolved in Twenty Minutes Stretched to Two Hours of TV Time
👑 Best Kiss Just Before Credits

In addition, there will be several consolation categories, such as:

👑 Couple Most Likely to Break Up by February
👑 Performer Most Likely to Face Charges

👑 Most Highly Spurious Couple IYKWIMAITYD

👑 Least Convincing Portrayal of High-Powered Go-Getter by Someone Who Looks Like She Can't Figure Out Which Sock Is the Right Sock and Which Sock Is the Left Sock in the Morning

You may still be waiting for Oscar night or the Emmy Awards, but I would stay up late to watch these. 

That's showbiz.

Coming off his boffo performance for the Newborn King in Bethlehem, the Little Drummer Boy took the show on the road, banging his drum in various midwiferies and nurseries---but failed to meet with the same success.

Karaoke perils.

Jimmy the vulture inadvertently sparks a riot on Open Mike Nite at the Heron Club.