Tooth dismay.

I find mint to be a little harsh in my mouth, at least in the concentrated forms found in toothpaste. Maybe it makes my breath better, but hey, it's not like I have to reel back from my own bad breath. I have to do that from everyone else's.

A combination of harshness and boredom occasionally sends me looking for non-mint toothpastes (my wife is very brand-loyal and uses her own tube). The thing is, most adult toothpastes are minty and there's little variety. So I've been known to swipe the kids' brands at the store, at least as long as they have the same amount of fluoride as the adult versions.

So yes, I may be seen sometimes brushing my teeth with a toothpaste that has Captain America or the Minions on the tube. Bubblegum! Mmm.

Recently I got this:

Burt's Bees, the kind and natural brand that was bought by Clorox from founders Burt Shavitz and Roxanne Quimby for almost a billion bucks in 2007, has expanded into all kinds of markets now, including makeup and, as you see, toothpaste. I actually picked up this "Fruit Fusion" toothpaste before I started seeing online ads for it, and then the ads were everywhere. I liked the fact they they had cute fruit instead of an expensively licensed character on the tube.

I'd been happy with the few Burt's products I'd tried. I have a lip balm that my wife gave me that is smooth and protective. I once got a free bottle of the Garden Tomato Toner, which made a great aftershave.

But Burt's Bees for Kids Fruit Fusion Toothpaste? Worst tasting toothpaste I ever tried.

When you start to brush, you get the fruity flavor found in many popular kids' items, like Froot Loops. And then it starts to taste like soap. Like, genuine Ralphie-said-fudge-but-not-really-fudge kind of soap. It's a really bad taste and at its strongest as an aftertaste, when you spit the crap out.

What were they thinking? Children swear so much that they must be used to the taste of soap? Sadly, we no longer have the mores we had about swearing in Ralphie's day, so I doubt it. Then again, they claim that they have a 4.7 of 5 rating for the stuff, so maybe kids are just stupid. Or maybe the adults, who are writing the reviews, never bothered to try it themselves. When you see reviews like "It is free of all the unnecessary things other companies put in their toothpastes and I feel comfortable giving this to my son," you get the feeling the adult is carried away by environmentalism and is blind to the product's screamingly obvious defects. Bleah.

And, by the way, the company has discontinued my Garden Tomato Toner. Fie on you, Burt, and your stupid bees.

So it looks like it's back to mint for me for a while. Or the Minions....