Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Mega billions!

I'll give you four reasons why Jeff Bezos is the richest man in history.

1) He not only saw a need that could be fulfilled on this new Internet thingie, but he did it well.

Henry Ford didn't invent the automobile, but his assembly line model of auto construction changed not only the car industry but the industry itself. Likewise, Bezos didn't invent Internet shopping, didn't even try to jump into a pricey end of the market (books? books have terrible profit margins and most inventory doesn't make much money at all, if any), but his method of order and delivery was revolutionary. It has remained the best in the business. Has Amazon ever suffered a major data hack? When was the last time they had an issue with fulfillment? What new product can you not find at or through Amazon that you can find elsewhere? (Not many, I am certain. Okay, no cars yet, but give it time.)

2) He thought big.

I thought Amazon was crazy for branching out from their bookish roots into toys and things. I would have been thrilled just to have the world's biggest online bookstore. I think small. He was thinking big from the get-go.

Now, that said, I must add that I think that he really should do more to promote my books. You know, help a brother out.

3) He has what you want (besides cars).

Larry Miller says that "You can get anything you want, anything in the world you want, from Amazon, except an actual amazon."

This kind.

Bezos made deals with all those little e-tailers whose sites were overlooked but who had things Amazon didn't want to bother stocking. You need part #A82981UU901 for your vacuum cleaner? If you go to Amazon, where they already have your credit and shipping information, you can order it in a blink. It will come from Big Red Bob's House O' Widgets in Tuscaloosa. You get your part, Big Red Bob sells it to you, and Amazon gets a cut, and that's fine -- it's a win-win-win.

But never mind stuff like that; what about everyday stuff that you want? Stuff like this?


My wife is a fan of the Centrum VitaMints multivitamin in Wintergreen flavor. Really, she'd play them if there was Vitamin Strat-O-matic. The product still exists as of this writing, but no local retailers have it. I've been to two grocery stores, a major drugstore, Walmart, and Target, and I can't find it anymore. They only carry the Cool Mint flavor. (Which comes from the Coolius spicata plant in the Mint family.) Amazon? No problem. Bought four bottles, got free shipping. Amazon makes it easy.

4) He's not nuts.

Despite the snide fictional billionaire name I used in my blog the other day, Bezos doesn't seem to be crazy. Yes, he's wealthy enough to offer you $50 million to shoot your friend on his secret private island (and if you've ever been shot on the secret private island, you know how much that hurts). But he wouldn't. The craziest thing he's done is buy the Washington Post. And he's bald as a bowling ball and hasn't gone all weird about it, like getting a freaky toupee or hair implants. As a man whose hair is always heading for the doors, I admire that. (To me, the most cutting remark Bush made about Gore during the 2000 campaign was an offhand comment: "The man dyes his hair. What does that tell you about him? He doesn't know who he is.")

So I don't think Bezos will turn up in a Girl with a Dragon Tattoo type situation where he's playing the Most Dangerous Game, bow-hunting blond cheerleaders on his secret private island. I really don't get that vibe from him.

He's been at it so long by now that I think if he were a wacko, there's be a lot of stories around, like there were about Steve Jobs. And being crazy is not usually good for your business, not even in a field that loves eccentricity.

💻

Now, many of my friends, mostly on the left but not all, think that Bezos doesn't deserve all that money. I agree that no one deserves that kind of money, not even if they saved the planet from Martians. So what? No one deserves most of the horrible diseases; no kid deserves cancer. It's fun to call for the guillotine, but life's not fair and we know it. I'm sure Bezos does a lot of things with his dough I would find commendable, and many that would make me sore. So what?

One day, Jeff Bezos will die, and like all of us, I believe he will have to answer for his sins. Like other Silicon Valley types he may think he can cheat the Reaper by uploading his consciousness as software, maybe to Alexa's central system. It looks unlikely. The best he probably can do is create a machine that acts as if it thinks it is Jeff Bezos, and I don't see any good coming from that for any of us. He'll still be kaput.

So anyway, rich or poor, we all have to go to the weigh station eventually. St. Peter may ask why he didn't do more good with his money. If he stomped on little guys for the fun of it, or abused employees to squeeze an extra personal million out of them, that'll be a big problem. If there is testimony from the ghosts of blond cheerleaders with arrows stuck to them, the chute to the incinerator is waiting. And if Bezos is asked why he didn't do more to promote my books...

Well, I'd rather have spent my life as a trash-eating street bum than have been him at that point. I'm just saying.

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