Our world is racked with disaster, division, and violence, and yet we all need to take a moment to ask ourselves the really big questions that address the philosophical underpinning of society, such as:
Has IHOP gone to far?
Oh, yes. Yes they have.
This came in a flyer in the mail yesterday, alerting me to this international crisis -- that is, this International House of Pancakes crisis.
Toffee Apple Cheesecake Stuffed French Toast.
Look at this thing!
Have they lost their minds?
Not that the International House of Pancakes has ever been a model of restraint. Let's have a look at the current menu:
Chocolate Chocolate Chip Pancakes. New York Cheesecake Pancakes. T-Bone Steak and Eggs. Fried Steak and Eggs. Banana Crepes with Nutella. Bananas Foster Brioche French Toast. And this is breakfast. I'm scared to see what they have for dessert. And now Toffee Apple Cheesecake Stuffed French Toast?! They've taken food science to a dangerous and wicked place.
I confess that many years ago I succumbed to the siren song of the Chocolate Chocolate Chip Pancakes with whipped cream, at a time when I was young and energetic, and it basically wiped me out for the day.
Comic Jim Gaffigan (my arch nemesis, or would be if he knew I existed) was on the money when he asked, "Why do they call it IHOP anyway? I've never felt like hopping after leaving that place. I can barely walk. They should call it I Crawl. I Need A Wheelchair."
This French toast monstrosity puts me in mind of the Pancake Test, a test I learned about from a sports podcast a couple of years ago. The topic on the podcast was golf, and whether it counted as a sport or just a game. One of the hosts said the Pancake Test is a means of telling: If you can eat a stack of pancakes just before the competition and it has no effect on your performance, it's a game.
After eating an order of Toffee Apple Cheesecake Stuffed French Toast, I don't think I could play Klondike.
They're trying to kill us with diabetes-inducing deliciousness.
Count Floyd tried to warn us about IHOP decades ago, with his Monster Chiller Horror Theater, which famously showed that horror classic, Dr. Tongue's Evil House of Pancakes:
There's something monstrous in the IHOP. Beware!
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