Sunday, October 11, 2015

Wrecking Crew wrejects.

Comic book fans fondly recall the Wrecking Crew, a gang of superpowered criminals whose plans usually involve wrecking things. Created by Len Wein and Sal Buscema, the Wrecking Crew are often thwarted by Thor, although the thwarting rights have also gone to the Defenders, Captain America, and others.

Despite all this thwartation, the Wrecking Crew is pretty cool. Great group name, great individual names: the Wrecker (the leader), Piledriver, Bulldozer, and Thunderball. With names like that, you know however the wrecking is accomplished, it won't be subtle. 

"Wreck softly, lads!" -- something never said by the Wrecker
In addition to these main four, there was also the Excavator, who lasted one stupid adventure before breaking his magic shovel. (Really.) But the big super-secret of the Crew is that the Wrecker, tired of being thwarted, tried to increase the membership of the Wrecking Crew and advertised for new supervillains. Here's a few who submitted resumes via Indeed.com:


FINALISTS

Chopper: Big broad with a superpowered ax and a motorbike; turned down the group's offer to join when the OWN network offered her a reality show.

Rotary Hammer: Fit in well with the Crew, but they really hated his supervillain name. Efforts by R.H. to convince them that the rotary hammer is a powerful tool of destruction led to embarrassing titters. He ultimately withdrew from contention, but turned up in Ecuador, committing crimes under the name El Martillo Perforador.

Mover: His impressive strength at first masked the fact that he only moved things from place to place; the wrecking was incidental. It seemed to go against the group's zeitgeist. An argument was made by Piledriver that plundering, raiding, and theft involved moving things, so that was still important, but he was voted down since the thing being moved was what the Mover usually wrecked.


CALLBACKS FROM FIRST INTERVIEW

Drill: Good at knocking holes in things, and was in excellent physical shape, but kept losing his bits.

Circular Saw: A vicious killer at heart but equipped with a lower and upper guard that rendered her too safe to do some good quality wrecking.

Podger Spanner: Cheery, chubby British man with a long-handled, superpowered wrench. Everyone liked him, but he politely refused to try to meet the fitness requirements. 


FIRST INTERVIEW FAILURES

Router: Group was excited to meet someone who would rout the good guys, having been routed themselves so often, but the Router could only carve wood.

Nail Gun: Sounded pretty awesome, but on further review appeared better suited for the Construction Crew.

Chisel: Failed the skills test when it took half an hour for his "Asgardian chisel" to bust a cinder block.

Sister Sledge: Expecting a woman with a magic hammer, disappointment set in when the disco supergroup came into the conference room. 

Keyhole Saw: Cool costume and an enchanted saw, but he admitted that it can only make teeny holes.


DID NOT GET CALLED

Air Compressor: Could only blow things up. Like, blowing them up with air. Didn't seem like he could add much to the team.

Pressure Washer: Work history revealed his history as a do-gooder, using his superpowers to clean things. The Crew then reexamined its ad on Indeed.com to see if they had unclear wording. 

Staple Gun: Nail Gun's weaker kid brother.

Floor Scraper: To quote Thunderball, "We may always lose, but we still have some standards."

Needlenose Pliers: Just a doof with a pointy nose.

Sandy the Sander: The "sanding belt" he wore supposedly gave him the power to make things super smooth. 

Emergency Lighting: Some guy who wandered over from the electrical department. 
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