Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Dr. Ghoulsby's House of TERROR!

Halloween came early for me, children... I found myself trapped---TRAPPED! in the clutches of the fiendish Dr. Ghoulsby! 

I managed to escape by the skin of my teeth---which is quite fitting, actually.

I got this photo from my horrible imprisonment:

I don't think dentists wonder much about why people hate seeing them. Unless you're in dental agony, you're expecting your dentist to be a source of pain, not of relief. You don't think your sick teeth will kill you (WRONG!) and yet this guy hurts you more than your doctor, who treats you for things you know will kill you.

So much money goes into your dental health, too. Teeth make up such a small percentage of your body weight, and yet can easily swallow the majority of your healthcare spending, especially if you---like me!---have no dental insurance.

And that's where Dr. Ghoulsby's Office of Horrors comes in. When I went to see him I was anticipating a clean bill of health and a pat on the head and a "See you in six months!" Instead I got a "Gee, this tooth is a little soft by the filling" and a "We're just going to drill off that bit and patch it" and popping off the old filling and GOD WHAT IS THAT AAAAAAAH

What it was, was my rotten ol' tooth that had decayed under the filling, requiring a crown. Readers of this blog and its many Thing I Shouldn't Eat entries will have no trouble guessing how my enamel got to its low estate. My quick hi-how-are-ya bloody-gums cleaning turned---TERRIFYINGLY!---into thousands of dollars and two more visits. What the hell?!?

For the record, my dentist is an excellent dentist and an excellent human being. I couldn't praise him more if I were Donald Trump ("He's the BEST dentist in the world with a YUUUGE practice..."). And even he couldn't soften this blow.

I'm no fan of horror movies; my imagination is too horrible unaided. And I know there's more than enough real horror out there in the world. But for me, this was as bad a horror show as I want to endure this fall. I'd take twice the pain at half the price; I almost wish he'd pulled the damn thing.

Too late now.


(I guess I'll have to say a novena that thousands of people buy my books so I can pay Dr. Ghoulsby to set me free. I think this may be karmic punishment for the character of Tilly McHeath, D.D.S., a.k.a. Matilda the Hun, Measleyville's craziest dentist, in MacFinster. Sorry!)

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