So it's Earth Day, the day we celebrate dirt. And aren't we glad for it! Without dirt we would have nowhere to stand. Our houses would sink. Our roads would collapse. Hooray for dirt!
We should all stand shoulder to shoulder to fight the enemies of dirt. Take that, laundry detergent!
Yes, Earth Day is a day for brotherhood. And since National Brotherhood Week is no more, we seek some new period in which to get together and be brotherly. Earth Day is all we got. So today, like brothers, we should punch each other over whose turn it is to take out the trash.
No, we should all work hard to get along today. The International Day of Peace isn't until September 21, and by that time, especially with our national eagerness to give monstrous regimes their own atomic weaponry, we might all be dead. So let's celebrate now.
To that end I have tried my hand at peacemaking between mortal enemies, sworn foes dedicated to the destruction of each other. Of course, I refer to McDonald's and Burger King.
I thought we could start with condiments. As Julia A. Fletcher Carney once wrote,
Little deeds of condiments, little words of love,
Help to make earth happy like the heaven above.
Or something like that.
Very standoffish at first, refusing to get together. Let's see if we can coax them out of their, uh, shells.
That's better! Mixed together we see that all packets bleed the same; there's no BK tomatoes, no McD tomatoes, just all our tomatoes. And we---
Uh-oh. Didn't see that coming.