Thursday, October 23, 2014


So old Fred is thinking about what costume I should wear this Halloween. Last year I really cleaned up at trick-or-treating. I got a curly-hair wig and big glasses and a rumpled suit and went as former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger. People gave me candy to make me go away. I was really happy until I found out that Kissinger went as me and got twice as much candy. Bastard!

Still, I have to count it as a success, but you can't wear the same costume on consecutive Halloweens. I thought about cutting a hundred holes in a sheet so I could go as Charlie Brown, but I didn't want to get a sack of rocks.

I got to thinking of some of my favorite costumes as a kid---Superman, Robot, Cinderella---and I remembered when I used some old clothes and some makeup to do the classic Hobo. That's pretty hard to do as a grown-up, though; a ten-year-old dressed as a bum is a cute kid; an adult dressed as a bum is... a bum. And you don't get candy; at best, just a bowl of stew if you promise to clear out the stable.

But I thought I could come pretty close if I went as Jonathan Scott of HGTV's Property Brothers. He's tall, like me; he wears plaid, as I sometimes do; he's handy, as I tell everyone I am. And yet he still has permanent stubble, like a bum. All I'd need would be a wig and a tool belt.

See? Piece of cake. The only thing is, since we're practically twinsies, people might think I'm him, and not give me candy because of my awesome disguise. Or they'll think I'm his twin brother Drew, and tell me my costume sucks because I just raided my brother's closet.

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