Friday, July 18, 2014

More thoughts from the Guinea Pig.

Came back for more, eh? Didn't get enough last time?

I enjoy the pet store. All of you safely behind glass---quite calming.

If you're going to hang about, would you mind putting some vodka in my water bottle? Spasibo.

These wood shavings are adequate, but I prefer giant sequoia. Ring for the boy.

Sure, pick me up. It's piddle time.

Don't bother me while Property Brothers is on.

In fact, don't bother me while anything I watch is on. Like CNN.

Your kind would never appreciate me. What kind are you, you ask? Human.

Before you consider the purchase of a so-called pocket pet, you should get his home set up. I recommend the Habitrail Malibu Dream House.

You know why we're called pocket pets? Guess where our favorite place to poop is?

By the way, the noun pet comes from a back formation of petty, as in small, like petit. It just means we're smaller than you. It does not mean you should stroke, muss, rub, or otherwise attempt to show affection in your typical ham-handed way. The verb form came later and should not be taken seriously.

Did you enjoy the new Transformers film? You would.

Were you aware that Mozart was composing at the age of five? And how old are you now?

They say people and their pets tend to look more alike over time. As much as it would benefit you, please, for the love of God, do not purchase me.

Gerbil? You called me a gerbil? Go over to the grooming aisle, select some powerful soap, and wash your filthy mouth out NOW.

From the heart of hell I nibble at thee!

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