Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Bond. Title Bond.

Looks like they have not released the name of the next James Bond movie---it seems likely that they have not yet chosen the title. Or have a script.

I haven't seen one of them in over a decade, and the one I saw starred Pierce Brosnan. He was fine, but I'm down on the whole franchise.

Everyone loves Goldfinger, but a lot of things in that movie make no sense. For a guy with a major operation in the works, Auric spends a lot of time and resources on stupid crap. Like explaining his evil plot to a bunch of people he's going to kill anyway, and turning handsome Felix Leiter from Dr. No into shoe-faced Felix Leiter two years later was sad.



Still, I want to do my bit to keep the British end up, so I thought I'd come up with a title for the next film. I looked over the Bond books and movies (refusing to get involved in Moneypenny series or short story titles or radio plays or---God have mercy---fan fiction). Bond titles, I discovered, fall into several categories, as do most modern books and films: Play on Words, Proverbs, Exoticism, Huh? (i.e. What the Hell Is That?), Ominous-Sounding Dudes, and Job-Related (that is, spy stuff germane to Jimmy B.). For book titles I've added names/initials of the non-Ian Fleming authors for reference.


Play on words
A View to a Kill
Diamonds Are Forever (a play on De Beers’s 1947 slogan “A Diamond Is Forever”)
Double or Die (Charlie Higson/Young Bond series)
From Russia, with Love 
High Time to Kill (Raymond Benson)
Live and Let Die
The Facts of Death (RB)
The Living Daylights
The Man with the Golden Gun (a play on the Nelson Algren book/movie title The Man with the Golden Arm)
The World Is Not Enough
Win, Lose or Die (John Gardner)
You Only Live Twice 

Proverbs
Death Is Forever (JG)
Die Another Day
Never Dream of Dying (RB)
Never Say Never Again
Never Send Flowers (JG)
Nobody Lives for Ever (JG)
Tomorrow Never Dies 

Exoticism
Carte Blanche (Jeffrey Deaver)
Casino Royale
Devil May Care (Sebastian Faulks)
Hurricane Gold (CH/YB) 

Huh?
Blood Fever (CH/YB)
Brokenclaw (JG)
C.O.L.D. (JG)
DoubleShot (RB)
GoldenEye

Icebreaker (JG)
Moonraker
Octopussy
Quantum of Solace
SeaFire (JG)
SilverFin (CH/YB)
Skyfall
Thunderball
Zero Minus Ten (RB)

Ominous-sounding dudes
Colonel Sun (Kingsley Amis)
Dr. No
Goldfinger
Scorpius (JG)
The Man from Barbarossa (JG)
The Man with the Red Tattoo (RB) 

Job-related
By Royal Command (CH/YB)
For Special Services (JG)
For Your Eyes Only
Licence Renewed (JG)
Licence to Kill
No Deals, Mr. Bond (JG)
On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
Role of Honour (JG)
Solo (William Boyd)
The Spy Who Loved Me 

Here are the ideas I had for great Bond titles. Anyone with a passing familiarity with the films knows that the title doesn’t have to be germane to the plot, so Bond people, feel free to stick any old story with them As long as the title is cool, that’s all that matters.

Play on words
All Is Not Death That Glitters
A Game of Kill
One Death at a Time
Easy Does It In

Proverbs
Death Does Not Punch a Clock
Keep Your Feet on the Ground but Keep Reaching for the Stars

Blessed Is the Peacemaker
Zip Up Your Jacket

Exoticism
Palisades Park

Caviar Twinkie
Money
Rich Corinthian Leather

Huh?
Duodenosis
Kill Van Kull
Snargleglurp
#*&@#!)/{^
Ominous-sounding dudes
Trump
Mr. Homunculus
Dr. Ouchy
Crazy Guggenheim
The Man from Shreveport
The Man with One Nostril
Hungadunga, Hungadunga, Hungadunga, Hungadunga & McCormick
Madame Yes

Been there.

Job-related
Check Your 401(k), Mr. Bond
Wash-and-Wear Tuxedo

Drive Spy-y
M Said Oh and P'd, PDQ
A Shot in the Dark (of Ceftriaxone)

Just wire the royalties through my agent. See you in Monte Carlo! Mine’s a vanilla milk shake. Shaken, not stirred. Otherwise it would be a vanilla milk stir. And that’s silly.
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