Funny how that works.

 

Death or taxes?

I'm thinking, I'm thinking. 

Does anyone ever get pleasantly surprised by his or her income tax calculation? I certainly don't. 

As a freelancer, my income fluctuates annually. Last year I worked almost every single day and managed to have a good year. Not that it felt good, with car trouble and the withering failures of the dishwasher, A/C, water heater, and smaller appliances. The only appliance in the house that has not been replaced at least once is the oven, and I'm keeping an eye on that in case it gets any ideas. 

The upshot of my earned income, of course, is that I have to pay an enormous amount of taxes. I like to think it's going toward missiles to finally end the 50-year war Iran declared on us, but it's probably going to a Minnesotan learing center. 

The comic strip Cathy used to have a running bit where her accountant could tell the heroine where her tax money was actually being used, and it was always some stupid, frivolous thing, like color-coded staplers for the Department of Agriculture. It was funny, but I would take stupid and frivolous over the fraud that has been consuming vast amounts of American citizens' pay.

This year it was recommended to me that, as there had been some changes to the tax code, that it might be wise to let a professional run the numbers rather than taxpaying software, as I have used the past few tax seasons. That brought me to the door of a local branch of a well-known financial service that I will call McTax's (with apologies to McDonald's). 

I do not want to go through the ensuing confusion, delays, and frustrations, but I will say:

1) What has taken weeks could have been resolved in hours for far less than the $500 I got soaked;

2) It is possible that my tax software might have gotten me the same painful result, but I guarantee it would not have been worse; and

3) I have gotten takeout from a sandwich shop that had cockroaches, been in bars where I thought I might die, and been at the mercy of a crazy, nervous dentist, but none of these made me feel less confident in an establishment than the four "professionals" staffing the office of McTax's.

Well, lesson learned, I guess, or leared as they say in Minneapolis. Now we have another reason to push hard to sell the house, as I am going to have a hard time paying taxes from last year and no way to put down an advance on taxes for this year. Selling the house would solve that issue.

But the oven had better not get any funny ideas. 

Cards for kids.

I saw an ad for some kind of tea online, an ad that tried to hit all those FOMO buttons. Each loving leaf of this tea was carefully curated by twelfth-generation tea growers in their paradisical tea garden in Teadonia blah blah blah. It occurred to me that so much of Internet advertising is essentially trying to find a way to get you to pay five bucks for a teabag. Because if you don't, you're missing out, you don't know what good tea is, and you're a loser. 

I mentioned to my wife that the young adults who might fall for this kind of appeal are likely the same ones who complain that they are unable to pay back their student loans. She raised an excellent point about a real hole in their education, one I would like to share today. 

But first, I want to say that I do sympathize with kids getting hammered by student loans. Colleges have become obscenely overpriced in the last thirty years, using guaranteed loans to guarantee themselves enormous raises while continuing to promote the idea that the only path to a fulfilling career is through their gold-plated doors. Knowing that much of college teaching is provided by underpaid adjuncts, we all should be asking: What the hell are you bastards doing with the money? That's all beside the point, but I wanted to note that I am aware college debt has gotten out of control since I was a fresh-faced undergrad. 

Now: To business! 

My wife and I were talking about the days when we lived in a much more cash-centric society. You could not put anything from an impromptu piano purchase to the change for the air machine to inflate your tires on plastic. Sure, some places took credit cards, fewer took ATM cards, and some people still wrote checks at the supermarket. For everything else, you got some cash and that was it until the next trip to the bank. 

This, as my wife put it, is why young adults now don't think through the ramifications of overpriced tea and the like. The junior varsity credit and debit cards they were given as kids, the ones that were supposed to teach them to manage money, removed the crushing fear of being caught short in a difficult spot. In our youth it was: No cash? No taxi. No cash? No Big Mac. Didn't bring your checkbook? Better not spend too much on the groceries or you'll have to make the Return Request of Shame. ("Um... Can I put the steaks? And the Frusen Glädjé? And the, er, toilet paper?") I prided myself on keeping a running estimate as I went, and I don't think I ever got caught short. 

Fear is a great motivator and can be a great teacher. You can learn about the wonders of store brands, the importance of learning to sew, the glory of not paying $65 for a pair of adult booties from Bombas. But when you're not thinking about the money you're spending and counting on that high limit and overdraft protection, you may feel fearless -- but it may be a whole different feeling when the texts from the bank and credit card company start pinging on your phone.

I never really thought those starter credit cards were a great idea. Better to open a savings account for the squirt and actually put cash into it. Yeah, the interest the banks give on savings is so poor these days that it actually counts as an insult, but that's not the point. The point is learning the value of money and why it's important to be careful with it. 

Insert obligatory final line here, wishing that Washington would learn the same lesson. Well, I can dream, can't I?

Boo who?

Around Halloween we were chatting about the UNICEF boxes, the cardboard boxes that some poor kids had to schlep around to go schnorring on behalf of the United Nations International Children's Emergency Fund. I think I did it once. Sometimes in school they'd put the guilt screws on you, and you felt obliged to participate. Well, I figured that UNICEF boxes had gone the way of leisure suits and Pet Rocks. 

Nope.

It's back.

When I was a kid, living in the Five Boroughs, there were plenty of true believers among the parents. They had grown up under the threat of World War and nuclear holocaust, and they believed that the United Nations was an important means to bring countries together and do good throughout the world. Sure, the Communists were always on the march, and the UN reps were always fighting, but as long as the Soviets or the Chinese didn't actually declare war on the United States or Western Europe, then surely the UN was working. It was acting as a "cooling dish" to prevent hotheads from bumbling into war, and a meeting place to try to work out treaties in the presence of other nations, preventing a treaty-based honor system that would require half the world to go to war against the other half as in 1914. 

UNICEF was another helpful idea. It would show that the nations of the world could work together to help children, all children, everywhere, when disaster or famine or illness struck. The pennies, nickels, and dimes we collected along with our fun-size Krackels (yay!) and Hershey Special Darks (boo!) would help the UN perform this mission. 

I'm not sure where it really started to go wrong. Publicly wrong, anyway. It was as the Cold War was coming to a close. In 1988, the Nobel Committee gave its Peace Prize to the UN Peacekeeping Forces for "reducing tensions where an armistice has been negotiated but a peace treaty has yet to be established." By 1996 it had been noted that in half the nations the UN Peacekeeping Forces went, there was a "rapid rise in child prostitution".

Does anyone expect anything good out of the UN anymore? It seemed like its World Health Organization might be useful, but its reputation went in the garbage with just about every other major health organization during COVID. A genuine investigation into how the pandemic started and who started it would turn things around, but these groups would rather ride the train to hell than admit fault, rattle the Communist Chinese, or (worst of all) give the plebes any chance of vindication. All the UN is good for is condemning Israel and sometimes the United States, working with terrorists, and demanding that we beasts in the West take more rapists and murderers into our bosom (as if we don't have enough of our own). 

So no, I will never recommend anyone give to UNICEF or any other concern in which the UN is involved. I don't know how well UNICEF does what it purports to do, but the United Nations as a whole has never lived up to its promise, so why should UNICEF? There are better charities. 

Monkey wrenches.

A company I work for was recently purchased by some firm you and I never heard of. While being tangentially in the same business arena, one is a publisher and the other one is an investment firm. 

Knowing the track record of the money mooks at places like Boeing in recent years, I am not optimistic. My main contact says that so far there's been a little departmental shuffling, but no major changes. 

I will be the first to admit that publishing is a mug's game these days, the overeducated spooling the unnecessary to the uninterested. It had reached a grand height in the 1990s, when Condé Nast built its new tower on Times Square, and has been in precipitous decline since. (Condé had its own tower by 2015.) Still, some ends of the business are attached to lucrative industries like finance and healthcare, so they have reason to continue to expect profitability. The company I work for is like that, so there's no reason to think it was bought to be sold off in parts, or to have the stock price run up and then dumped for profit by buccaneers of finance. 

However, there is every reason to fear that, once the dust clears, the new owners will move in the monkey wrench crew to improve things. 

These improvements are very much like artificial intelligence. They are forced onto the unwilling to perform functions that are unnecessary and wind up costing jobs for people who have performed well for years. The work is then outsourced or given to cheap hires that perform poorly. The bottom line is temporarily improved, the stock price rises, then clients flee as everything gets weird and shoddy. Then it's sold off for parts.

Improve Back Better

Don't get me wrong; I'm a big fan of capitalism. The profit motive in a high-trust society like America has been until recently is the best means of raising people in large groups out of poverty ever devised.

I'm against stupid capitalism, however, where companies are run by people who neither know nor care about the actual business and everything goes to hell. I'm sure you can list a dozen examples of companies that died that way, usually the death of a thousand cuts rather than a staggering collapse. Often companies are just caught by surprise by technological advances. But in the end, it mostly comes down to a lack of the intelligence and devotion that made the companies great in the first place. 

If your company is bought out, as has happened to me in the past, I wish you very good luck. Keep an eye open for the monkey wrench crew, come to fix things. It's usually a sign to get the résumé together, if you haven't already. 

Whither Fred?

Sorry I've been around less than usual. The main cause of my absence has been a large project that engaged a lot of us freelancers for a publisher that needed research done. It's for an annual award that attracts a lot of buzz, and so there is an intense screening process to kick the bums out and keep the stars. It was a lot of work. Not enough to pay the mortgage this month, but a lot of work. 

It's discouraging to feel like you're in a race not to get ahead but to lose ground less quickly, but alas, that is where I and so many of us are running these days. 

If you're having a banner year in your business, good for you! I am not jealous. Besides, if the government confiscated all your dough and that of a dozen like you, it would not even pay for ten minutes of its spending. Years ago, when I was blogging on another platform, I ran the numbers for how long the United States government would be funded if it just up and stole every nickel from every billionaire in the country, all assets turned instantly into cash. I think it was about a week and half, if that. Feel free to do the figures yourself -- it's too depressing. 

So the nation at large is losing money at an enormous rate, and so are most of the nations on the planet. There's going to be a reckoning somewhere along the line, I imagine. The only thing I know for sure is that the people who caused the problem will not be the ones suffering from it. 

Meanwhile, the black bear situation remains unresolved. Twice since I reported it here last month, I saw the bear head down to the wooded area behind the house, passing through each neighbor's yard once. I was outside with the dog one afternoon when a guy walking by with his own dog yelled to me, "There's a bear up the block!" To which, like the man in the famous joke, I could reply, "Yes, I know." 

Here's the results of the informal bear poll I took around the neighborhood: 

It's a little nerve-racking that the bear is out and about when it's dark in the morning, because so am I with the dog, because I have insomnia and when I'm up the dog wants to be out. It's also nerve-racking that three times in the last month I have had to remove piles of bear poop from the backyard. It's enough to make Captain Poopy resign his commission. 

I guess that's a new skill I can add to my résumé: bear scat removal. Although considering a lot of the books I've worked on, trying to clean up clumsy language or poor research, I think that's a task I've been doing for years. 

All of this may sound like a lot of whining, unless you happen to be British, in which case it sounds like a lot of whingeing. And that's fine. One day I'm going to compile a book from my most popular blog entries as the Best of Fred, and the title will be Always Explain, Always Complain.  

The end of an era.

When I was a youth, recently out of college, my mom gave me some good advice. She said I ought to get a couple of "starter" credit cards to start building a credit history. 

Tell kids now that it was not typical for college students to have credit cards even a quarter century ago and watch the blank stares. 

Anyway, for my starter cards we went to the shopping centers, I applied for cards from those titans of retail, J.C. Penney and Sears. 

There were no fees for the store cards, and so I held on to them year after year, using them occasionally. I canceled the Sears card when, essentially, Sears got canceled. But I used the Penney's card at least a couple of times a year. You could get deals, and the clothes usually looked pretty good on me. "Pretty good" is the best I can hope for; the clothes can only make so much of the man after all. 

Periodically I would receive a new Penney's card, activate it, chop up the old one, and off we went. Year in, year out, literally for decades. I had that account before I met my wife. I had that account before I bought my first new car. I never lived more than 17 miles away from a J.C. Penney. It was always good to know that JCP was there for me. 

This past week I got a new Penney's card, as usual. This one looked a little different. Mastercard had gotten involved now. So I bothered to read all the paperwork that came with it. Hideous interest rates, minor fees for late payments, the usual stuff. And then I saw the thing that really irked me:

$1.99 fee for paper statements. 

Could that be right? I mean, they only sent me a statement when I had a balance, and when I had a balance I paid it. The vast majority of the mail I ever got from JCP was catalogs, coupons, and unsolicited advertising. My little mail statement was a tiny bit of postage for them. Were they really penalizing people who still want to write checks? People who grew up before 2000? People who, in other words, are the kind of folks who actually still like department stores? 

I called customer service, fighting through the computer phone tree every step of the way. When I got a live human being, whom I was determined not to take this out on, I asked politely: Are you really charging me two bucks to send me a bill? Yes indeedy. Well, please cancel my card immediately. 

She didn't even try to get me to stay. Just checked that there was no balance and closed the account on the spot. 

I don't know if old-fashioned department stores have a future in American retail. I do know that charging people to send them the bill is not a way to keep customers, though. I think we're going to see a lot more of this kind of thing ahead, because our retail companies, like most of our institutions, are run by dummies these days. 

Sorry, J.C. -- I was a steady customer for decades and you blew it. When you go the way of Sears, don't come crying to me. 

Security, Fredcoin style!

Oh, dear -- another terrible crime centered around cryptocurrency. This one was no hacker or pyramid-scheming bamboozler at work. In this case, 12 violent punks were sentenced for home invasions in an attempt to steal cryptocurrency -- and while they were at it, maybe some cash and nice watches, too. 

These jerks! They're ruining everything good about cryptocurrency -- that is to say, it's not real and you can't carry it around! Its value comes from pretending it has value. If this kind of thing goes on, people won't even bother with cryptocurrency. They'll just go back that boring old regular currency. And who wants that? 

Not you, my friend! Therefore you need to invest your crummy US dollars in the crypto that has the best security around: Fredcoin! 

But, you ask, why should I expect a rinky-dink outfit like Fredcoin to have better security than the "big name" cryptos?

I'm glad you asked! Allow me to present my company's 10-Point Security Assurance Points that explain why our security is second to none! Or second only to nuns, maybe.

1) At Fredcoin, your assets are not contained in some easily found safe deposit box or something. No, no! We keep them right -- wait a sec, I thought I left them here. Must be my other pants.

2) Our crack security staff is always on high alert. 

3) Point 3 is temporarily out of order. Please try again later. 

4) We know that the weakest link in cybersecurity is the meat puppet who pushes the buttons. So we reduce exposure by keeping the interaction with the computers to a minimum. The less we work, the safer you are! Safety through laziness. QED!

5) Louisville Slugger, amirite?

6) REDACTED 

7) No one ever thinks to look in the bathtub.

8) Our alarm system from Stiiv's Hacienda of Security is top-rated! Call 1-800-ECURITY (leave off the S for Security!).  

9) We're totally experts in crime prevention. We've studied the classic texts.

10) They can only get the password out of you if you remember the password! 

So you see, Fredcoin is clearly the winners' choice, the only cryptocurrency for you. But don't take my word for it! Ask our security team.

Crypto security!

Friends, America is once again in danger of voting for communist leadership, and we know that will mean more towering inflation, more recession, more crime. So, should you invest in gold? Hah! You know as well as I do that with the price of gold these days, your life savings could be reduced to a nugget that you could hide in your underpants. Even if you wear thongs. And if you do, please don't tell me.

No, I know you want to put your American dollars into a good, solid cryptocurrency. One of the big-name outfits like Bitcoin or HodagCoin something, right? 

Heck, no! Not only are those cryptos overhyphed, but they're ruining the world for nothing! Just look at this item from The Guardian. Computer data is sucking energy out of everything, and the world of artificial intelligence is just getting started.  

With the refusal of our betters to make more power plants, use more natural gas, and fire up more nukes, all this computing is bound to help drive your energy costs up. And so much of this computing is just junk data storage. 

Supposedly as much as two percent of all US energy generation is going just to mine cryptos. The useful being wasted on the meaningless. It's a shame. 

Unless you buy all-natural, all-awesome Fredcoin! 

Not only is Fredcoin better for the environment, it's safer, too! 

You think other cryptocurrencies are really secure? You can blockchain all you want; every crypto account is attached to a network, and every better mousetrap invites a better mouse. 

That's where good ol' reliable American FREDCOIN is once again proven to be the superior cryptocurrency!

Why? Because we don't run some fancy juice-sucking AI-empowered computer network, vulnerable to hackers or disgruntled employees or any other kind of jerkface weenie money-stealers. No, we have taken important steps to make sure our database is never in danger from bad actors on the Internet. I absolutely guarantee it! 

But how, Fred? you ask, astonished. Nothing on the Internet of Things is really safe!

Well, you put your finger right on the answer. Behold the secret of our security -- the master computer that runs the whole Fredcoin empire: A Tandy TRS-80 Model 4P!

“Ol’ Smoky Joe”

That's right -- Ol' Smoky is not and cannot be connected to the Internet, so all its information is as secure as a safe deposit box. It would have to be physically hacked, and that's not happening. Anyone who tries to break in here will have to face the jaws of doom (golden retriever Izzy) and my angry wife with a Louisville Slugger. 

Furthermore, the Tandy uses way, way less energy than all those big wasteful computers run by the hypocrites in Silicon Valley, the nerds who want you to keep your A/C at 85 degrees while they suck up all the juice to make lousy art with people with twenty fingers. 

All you do is send in your Fredcoin order with some of that soon-to-be-worthless US currency. Our crack staff (me) will put it in your account, and Ol' Smoky Joe will do the rest. It's a flawless system! It's completely safe! And if the grid goes down, the Tandy can be powered by our emergency crew of hamsters, just standing by to run that wheel.  

So don't go messing around with those ridiculous cryptos that can be wiped out because the founder lost the password. Mess around with Fredcoin, the crypto that's as solid as Radio Shack itself! With Ol’ Smoky, 26 pounds of computin’ fury, you can’t go wrong.

Markers.

So it's back to school time, even if, like me, you live in a place where public schools won't reopen until after Labor Day. After all, college students have to get shipped off. Kids have to load up with the stuff the school says they will need. And remember, Labor Day is really early this year -- September 2. That means very little September will be available here in New York for kids to enjoy school-free. Then there will be pencils. There will be books. And yes indeed, there will be teacher's dirty looks. 

I used to love going with my mom to get school supplies, even though I dreaded the start of school. But I swear, everyone has gotten more grumpy since Dri Mark stopped selling these. 

I was an inveterate doodler in school -- actually, still am -- and when I saw that picture I got to wondering what happened to Dri Mark since my school days. The company is still around, and while they don't sell colored markers on the store shelves anymore, they do custom orders for these kinds of supplies. But that's not where they get the bulk of their money. If you don't know what Dri Mark makes now, you probably wouldn't guess. 

So I'll just tell you. In 1991, "Dri Mark became the original patent holder and only domestic manufacturer of the iconic Counterfeit Detector Pen. Over the next 25 years, the Detector Pen rose to be the highest-selling, and most success­ful counterfeit detection product in the industry." That's right -- most of the Long Island, New York-based company's dough comes from markers and other products that detect and expose counterfeit money. I would not have expected that. 

When I was in college I had a job for a year that involved handling cash, but I never got one of those pens. I'm pretty sure they were around, because I knew a grumpy old man who ran a soda shop when I was in high school, and I'd occasionally see him run a pen over a large bill to make sure it was real. 

I was taught to check bills for their color, design elements, and most of all feel -- US money is printed on a blend of linen and cotton, not commercially available, and most counterfeiters would spend too much money faking the paper to make money with their fake money. The one counterfeit bill I did find, a C-note, was caught because it didn't feel like currency. Dri Mark's pen takes away the guesswork, leaving a mark if the note is not genuine currency paper. Now the company offers products that can verify modern cash in up to five ways, and even be used on foreign moolah.

I congratulate Dri Mark for staying afloat, manufacturing a desirable product in the United States -- in New York, no less! But I still miss your smiling marker man. His enthusiasm was a little bananas, but infectious all the same. That's a lot of doodling for $1.98. 

Yippie dippie dippie!

You know the feeling you get when you have an assignment or another type of job to do that you're really dreading, and you put it off because you despise or are actually afraid of it, and then you're told never mind, they don't need it after all? Great feeling! 

Well, here is another: 

I thought the loan for my wife's car was a six-year loan, but after this month's payment they sent the lien release. It was a five-year loan! We're done! Five hundred bucks a month back in our pockets! WOOO!!

all ours!

Now, you can—and probably should—point out that this so-called found money is entirely the fault of my stupidity or forgetfulness or both. If I had bothered to check the account or had remembered the terms set out in 2019, paying off the car would be pleasant but not a surprise. And you would be correct.

On the other hand, my stupidity and forgetfulness usually bring me bad surprises. “That was TODAY?” “I agreed to this?” “We still owe six grand?” So to have a good surprise instead of a bad one is like Christmas morning.

Next week I am planning to take a drive to visit old friends, and my wife will probably tell me to take her car, which is newer and less likely to have trouble. And I will refuse. Because bad surprises still lurk out there, and I am not going to tempt fate by driving the just-paid-off vehicle through Jersey. Besides, I just dropped a grand on tires and repairs to my car. It owes me. 

And I have AAA, because life is full of bad surprises.

Bleary in the morning.

Been kind of wiped out this week, and for good reason.

For days I've been covering for someone who's on vacation, minding the desk from my perch at home. Which is good, in that it means billable hours for me, but the other clients I have still need tending. Fortunately, there have not been many explosions and freakouts. Some, but not many. 

This has also coincided with some hot and humid weather, though, and while we are blessed to have air conditioning, the dog still needs to be outside a good bit. That's the way of his people. However, then he gets overheated, comes inside, and drinks a gallon of water, which sets off the Circle of Pee, and we have to go out again. 

I'm glad he's staying hydrated -- his uncle, the late Nipper, was not good about it, and once had to have a Quasimodo-esque lump of water injected into his back. Strangest thing. Can you imagine humans being treated like that for dehydration? 

"What's that big lump, Maggie? Third breast implant?"

"Nah, just neglected my Gatorade."

The big downside is that Izzy, America's Sweetheart (currently America's Sweatheart), has to go out a couple of times in the night. It's made the week more difficult to navigate, let's put it that way. 

In my career I've been paid salaries and hourlies, and anyone who needs to learn the value of a dollar needs to work for hourly wages. That's a cold fact. Every kid should do it. When you get paid by the hour, whenever an expense comes up -- say, you have to part with $700 for a car repair, I did this month -- your mind immediately goes to the most annoying, frustrating, diabolical project that you had recently, and you factor that into the money spent. I worked hour after hour cleaning the sewer backup into that guy's basement, and it didn't even pay half of what it cost me for the car repair, an expense I didn't expect. I didn't get a dime's worth of fun out of the money. 

I always think of the most crappy job I had to do to get the dough. I don't think I'm unusual in this. 

I'd say I've been doing the editorial equivalent of cleaning sewage, but there is no equivalent of cleaning sewage. I will say it's been very little fun, and the money isn't going toward anything fun either, and I'm exhausted. 

Added to all this is worry's little side hustle, the sleeplessness. This worrying is exhausting! Fortunately, it's also keeping me awake at night! So when the dog wakes me up, I'm up for hours. 

Next week may be better, but it certainly won't be well. Life is tough. I'm tired. I sometimes wonder how any of us get by. 

Six months and a day!

I used to work with a trust-fund baby. Actually, I probably worked with several of them over the years, because a lot of the people I met in the artistic side of the magazine business had to be able to get in through the rich-kid gate, to wit:

1) Graduate from a good college;

2) Work as an unpaid intern;

3) Live in Manhattan on a crap salary.

After getting through those three phases, they could start to make a decent living. You will note that those three phases require something to back said junior staff member, generally Mommy's + Daddy's checkbook. That enabled them to take jobs that paid nothing or next to it, without worrying about student loans or making the rent. 

I'm not saying they had it easy, nor were they bad at what they did; I am saying that it was perfect way to keep out the riffraff. 

I, the riffraff, came up the hard way, commuting from the outermost borough, being broke for a long time, and never following the path that led to the glamorous and creative end of the business. But I made a living. 

The TFB that I mention at the top of this post, however, was a real classic of the type. Nice guy, and very intelligent, probably more so than I. But he was like a friendly alien dropped on Earth who had to try to guess what Earth people were like in order to go unnoticed. He could be a smartass but did not have a rough edge. He was curious about the lives of skilled laborers like my father. He always looked perplexed. He spent days contemplating aloud the purchase of a rice cooker. Should I buy or not? If so, what kind? A cooker or a steamer? Is one brand superior to another? What quantity of rice is proper? It is a puzzlement. 

Just use the microwave like everyone else!

I remember him telling me about his grandparents. Grandpa, the head of the family in a very real, very fearsome, and very financial sense, was from Massachusetts, but for tax purposes he officially lived in New Hampshire for six months and a day. That 50.01% residency kept him from having to pay Massachusetts' high income tax. New Hampshire only taxes interest and dividend income.

I have since learned that "Live Free or Die" might as well be replaced as New Hampshire's motto:

This is one of the reasons why, when politicians set out to tax the rich, the middle class always finds its taxes going up. The poor saps in Boston who can’t declare residency outside the state get stuck with the bill for the big spending plans that "taxing the rich" was supposed to fund.

Now, I have no idea how Mr. Boston Brahmin Grandpa voted, but if he was like the contemporary wealthy, he would continue to vote for the very policies he was fleeing, wherever he went. In doing so these moneybags screw over the state in which they amassed their fortunes and also the state in which they expect to keep them. 

I do not understand why someone, looking at the laws in their home state and regarding them as unfair and unjust, would support those same laws elsewhere. But they do. Thus, New Yorkers have been accused of ruining Vermont, Bay Staters of ruining Maine, and Californians are being accused of ruining Colorado. It's like they can't help themselves. 

I'm not sure why I brought all this up today, except I was thinking of that trust-fund baby and his grandfather. While TFB was studying this strange form of life known as the "middle class," we were studying him. I've never met anyone like him, but I'll bet in his youth he was like everyone else around him. 

Peculiar fellow. I don't even know if he ever got his rice cooker. 

Gift certificates -- you're doing it wrong.

I like Britain's Sorted, on YouTube. If you're not familiar with it, the series features several lads -- a mix of professional chefs and "normals" -- doing food-related projects in the kitchen, from product testing to trying trendy or silly foods to surviving cooking or eating challenges. The Poker Face challenges, where they will eat or drink something horrible and have to keep a stiff upper lip, are particularly hilarious.  The show is lots of fun, and much better than anything Food Network is putting on these days. 

Many subscribers 

I was honored to be given a gift certificate to the channel, a code that could be used to unlock a subscription for their premium content. Many successful YouTubers have a feature like this. 

But I ran into a snag. Maybe you've encountered something similar. 

In order to activate my gift certificate, I had to give them a credit card number. Why? Because they would automatically renew my membership at the end of the year unless I told them not to. 

I thought there might be a mistake, as this was a gift and so I had no financial obligation involved. But no, after some back-and-forth with customer service, I was told that they needed my credit card or I could not use the gift. Refunding the giver was also out of the question. 

To me, this goes against the whole spirit of a gift certificate. First of all, it craps on the altruism of the "gift" part, forcing an obligation on the receiver. Second, gift certificates are encouraged because they expose the recipient to the joys of shopping or subscribing and thus are good for business on their own. But I told the customer service I would not be renewing even if I loved the service, and in fact I wound up never using the gift. 

Am I old-fashioned about this, or just wrongheaded? A gift is a gift, right? It should have no strings attached, either from the giver or any third party. 

It's too bad, because I probably would have enjoyed the subscription, but the hell with it. Bad way to run a kitchen, lads. 

Living the dream.

The American Dream has become one of the most misunderstood parts of the American Mythos, nearly always represented as selfish, soured, a nightmare hiding beneath a shiny gloss.  

The term dates back to 1900 and is described aptly by Webster's as "an American social ideal that stresses egalitarianism and especially material prosperity." So let's have a look at what the dream is really all about. 

1. Prosperity 

Often the American Dream is stated as "Work hard and you'll get rich," but that's twisting it, either to benefit those who sucker you or those who know that riches are rare and so disappointment will follow. 

Prosperity, on the other hand, is nothing more than a good living, a fair reward for one's work. Since so many people who came to the United States came from places that still had a feudal mindset, in which the efforts of the many only really meant prosperity for the few, this was and is a big deal. Even today, in places where slavery and serfdom are supposedly banished, people still can't achieve prosperity from their own labor because they live in crooked kleptocracies, low-trust societies that are all about theft, bribery, and using the law to steal from everyone. Corruption is the only means to rise from poverty.

We're supposed to be a nation ruled by laws, not men, and this is why. No one ever gets a fair shake when the law is merely a tool for those in power -- which is quite what many people in America are trying to do today.

2. Freedom

Prosperity means freedom from the tyranny of need. Noted French jerk Jean-Jacques Rousseau famously wrote, "Man is born free; and everywhere he is in chains."

Oh, really? 

"Okay, baby, you're free! Here you go!" [chucks baby on lawn]

The chains to which all people are born are nature and necessity; only a baby born able to walk and eat grass and survive naked could be free as Rousseau demands. I never met a baby human yet who fit that description. 

But the American Dream promises a chance to not have to live under the shadow of terrible need, of hunger and exposure lurking daily outside the window. This is a far cry from promising mansions and yachts to everyone, but to my family who came over here from Europe, it was a huge improvement. They never expected Uncle Sugar to provide them with ease and comfort, just protection from lawbreakers and a chance to earn a fair wage. That was plenty to keep the wolf well away from the door. 

3. The Wealth Trap

The other proposed downside to the American Dream is meant to be the awful people who achieve it. Well, there we have to concede a point, if by those who achieve it we mean only the very wealthy, not the prosperous middle class. And yes, and they say on Instapundit, we currently have the worst ruling class in our history. Noblesse oblige is not considered their obligation for honor and generosity, but rather their responsibility to order the rest of us around. 

The rich are not usually concerned with the little people. We get in their way of them focusing on the ones they really hate -- the richer people. The guy a little farther up the hill who looks down on them. 

And if you are one of these moneyed mooks, you have a lot of incentive to hate everyone. People are always looking to separate you from your dough; you have no peace. For the type who holds the keys to the kingdom -- say, a repulsive, horrible creep who produces movies -- it must seem natural to demand humiliating services from those hoping you will unlock the door to fame and fortune.

And even if the rich can avoid all these temptations of pride, lust, envy, and so on, there's something about avarice that takes on its own life -- the hunger grows with the eating. 

Notice how well all these descriptions jibe with those in America's entertainment industry, the source of much disparagement of the middle class and the American Dream. They like to make the American Dream look bad, in their own actions and in their media, then take it out on the rest of us. It's America's fault! 

4. The Dream Is Good

The American Dream is still good, still right, and not to be disparaged because it sometimes fails, or because we fail it. It is not a promise, far less a guarantee. It is aspirational. It ought not to consume us, but encourage us. It ought not to be the whole aim of society, but a society that is rightly ordered makes it possible. It is still a dream wherein a people with no tribe more important than being Americans can look one another in the eye; where, as Joseph says in the series Jesus of Nazareth, "A man who's skillful in his work will stand before kings." 

The rules of the game.

Bernard Suits (1925-2007), a philosopher of sports and games (nice work if you can get it, right?), wrote in 1967 that “playing a game is simply the voluntary attempt to overcome unnecessary obstacles.” And that's an interesting way to look at it. 

People who play for money, either gamblers or professional athletes, may pooh-pooh such a flowery description. Winning in those instances may yield a gusher of money -- as well as the rush of defeating an opponent -- so their game may hardly seem to be something as ordinary as voluntary attempts vs. unneeded obstacles. I would hesitate to put that description to either Tyson Fury or Oleksandr Usyk, who fought a brutal boxing match last week to decide the first undisputed heavyweight champion in 25 years. Usyk, the winner of a split decision, was unable to speak to the press afterward, as apparently he also won a split jaw. 

And yet Suits is correct all the same. Whether it's a brutal boxing match or a game of Crazy Eights with your kids, no one has to play, but if you do play, you must overcome the obstacles imposed by the rules. If I'm playing poker for funsies, I still can't reach over and grab the deck and find the cards I want. At that point I may be doing something, but I'm not playing poker. The rules are intended to be obstacles to surmount and a definition of victory over them. 

Of course, there are always those who have the attitude that pro sports is war, and all's fair in love and war. It's not cheating if you don't get caught. If you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying. 

We love our rascally rogues, but only if they’re our rascally rogues. When the other guys are deflating footballs and stealing signs, we squeal like pigs. It's satisfying to think that the only reason they were winning was their wickedness. 

We instinctively know that if everyone is cheating, the game is ruined. Major League Baseball's steroid scandal shows that. None of those proven juiced-up muscleheads are going to make the Hall of Fame. (On the other hand, steroid use is no impediment to election to the Pro Wrestling Hall of Fame, because that's not a game -- it's theater.)

I want everyone to play by the rules, but that doesn't mean I don't understand the temptation. If I were a player getting my behind handed to me on the field, seeing my dreams of wealth and glory dwindle, and I thought I could get away with some kind of illegal edge, what would I do? I honestly don't know. But I fear what I would do is talk myself into believing everyone else was doing it, so why not?

One last thought: I think it's kind of excellent that a guy who made a living as a philosopher of games was named Suits. Too bad his first name wasn't Dex. 

Tax Day, Fredcoin, and You!!!!

Today is the income tax deadline in the United States. Talk about rending unto Caesar -- the whole process leaves you feeling pretty rended. 

Of course, you know what the answer to all your tax problems is: Fredcoin! Not just the only cryptocurrency with the imprimatur of Fred himself, but also the only cryptocurrency with a secret toy surprise!*

Before or on tax day, the teeming hordes of Fredcoin customers always come to me with questions. "Fred!" they say, "we have questions!" And I say, "My friends, I have answers!" But since we're up against the deadline for filing income tax, I figured I'd better give you an FAQ list rather than trying to help each of you individually. Plus, I hate to see a grown man cry. 

FREDCOIN AND TAXES: FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

1. Is Fredcoin considered a tax shelter?

Yes, and by that I mean, no. If you leave your cash invested in Fredcoin, then yes, you don't have to worry about paying taxes. If you should foolishly want to reconvert your Fredcoin to worthless U.S. currency, then consider your shelter as firm as Dorothy's Kansas farmhouse.  

2. Which IRS form do I need to file to lay out my Fredcoin investments? 

You need to file a Schedule FRD, form 8712-P, with a side of pickled beets. 

3. Are my vast Fredcoin profits taxable income?  

Yes, I certainly believe they would be. 

4. Can I buy Fredcoin if I live in Austin?

I'm sorry, this is a "Fredcoin and Texas" question; that's a different FAQ.

5. Is Fredcoin a form of money laundering?

No, no, of course not! Now, it's possible that some unscrupulous characters might slip some ill-gotten gains into their purchase of Fredcoin -- how would I know? And it's possible that they might convert their Fredcoin back into some crummy U.S. currency, minus a large fee, to claim it was all Fredcoin profits and totally legit. Ha! Ha! What a funny little totally fake scenario. No, we never talk about money laundering here at Fredcoin. We much prefer to call it money fortification.  

6. Why is Fredcoin the best cryptocurrency out there, bar none, hands down, hands none, bar down?

You have to ask? Look at it! No other currency of any kind has Fred on it. And I think that says it all. 

🪙🪙🪙🪙

*Secret toy surprise offer may not apply. See side of box for details. Do not use Fredcoin internally. Some patients reported that Fredcoin caused dizziness, nausea, and elongated nostril hairs. Fredcoin is a registered trademark of Fredcoin Inc. LLC LLP MNOP. All Rights reserved. Lefts are up for grabs.   

Crypto hunker!

We're expecting our first "plowable" snowstorm here this upcoming weekend, which has the weather whackos on the news acting like it's a free Rolling Stones / Taylor Swift concert in Central Park. "It's been 298 days since our last measurable snow event!" Yeah, you know why? It’s not that thing that rhymes with Lowball Dorming. It’s because that was when March happened. We don't usually get big snowfalls in April or May.

Now it's early January. We didn't get any snow in December. Which is completely normal for New York's lower Hudson Valley. And it's exceptionally normal for New York City not to get snow in December. I grew up there and never saw a White Christmas. Lots of rain. (No one dreams of a Clear Christmas.) 

People should not be getting their dresses up over their heads over the weather. 

They need instead to be hysterical about something important: Money! 

Yes, friends, it's time again to remind you that Fredcoin is the world's most awesome cryptocurrency, the kind that has seen no arrests or indictments, the kind that has an amazing track record of retaining its value. Worried about the winter? Afraid that a blizzard will cave in your roof, avalanche your car, rip off your porch, insult your mom? Wherever will you find the money to deal with all that? (Especially Mom, who will be so upset she'll want to buy shoes.) Well, it's Fredcoin to the rescue! 

Ask yourself: Self! Doesn't money get you through rough times better than rough times get you through money? And of course the answer is: Yes! So you need a safe way to invest your currency. Don't just leave it hanging around. The US government makes your dollar worth less every day. But it can't affect the United State of Fred! Fredcoin will hold your cash against the determined amount of Fredcoin, which will be there when YOU need it, when YOU want it! Not when the punks in Washington say you can have it! 

So thumb your nose at Old Man Winter. Thumb, I say, thumb! And send a bundle of your annoying money to me. You will immediately receive an e-certificate stating your investment in Fredcoin. Then watch the magic happen! Laugh at blizzards! Chuckle at storms! Give yourself a hernia over squalls! Tell sleet to kiss your fartin’ behind! With Fredcoin in your corner, you can't go wrong! 

Fredcoin! The Crypto for All Seasons!  

The public good?

One of the things I was once called on to do was review a report on companies and their charitable giving. A lot of what they consider charity is not what we would classically consider charity -- going to the Latin root of the word caritas, giving to the needy from Christian love. A lot of it is DEI-based (legal discrimination, in other words), encouraging grievances and tribalism; some goes for education, doing the same; and a lot goes for climate change and other green causes that will never make a difference in anything and never improve lives of anyone except for people in those industries. 

But that's only part of the problem, as I see it. 

When America made stuff: Too busy inventing to hector people 

The main practical problem is that while these companies are making themselves feel better and handing out awards to one another for their good deeds, they're making their products and/or services more expensive. You know the money isn't coming off what the officers get paid. So the company that's pledging 15% to fight climate change or 3% to promote equity or 12% to fund abortions for transwomen or 7% to fight normalcy is just making their stuff pricier. It would be like you insisting your boss pay you 20% more, which you promise you will send to Leap for the Cure! to save victims of Jumping Frenchmen of Maine disorder. Your boss might do that... or might sack you and hire someone who doesn't insist on the extra 20%. 

But isn't it a tax write-off? One may ask, and I thank you, One, for that thought. The answer is: Yes and no. U.S. companies may deduct up to 10% of pre-tax income in a given year, so yes. But the real value is in the publicity. The Harvard Business Review noted a couple of decades ago that "Tobacco giant Philip Morris, for example, spent $75 million on its charitable contributions in 1999 and then launched a $100 million advertising campaign to publicize them." 

Of course, these bighearted types will try to use their good intentions as cover when the chips are down -- like the walking tumor Harvey Weinstein trying to hide behind his support of gun control when the walls were closing in, or the so-called effective altruism touted by the now-disgraced Sam Bankman-Fried. 

One way or another, I believe that companies are using money that could be used as profits for investors (stimulating economic growth) or to lower prices (ditto), and giving that dough away to largely useless causes, then congratulating themselves and expecting parades in their honor. 

Even if they just paid the taxes and skipped the write-off, they would in theory make the tax burden on you and me less heavy. But instead, the cost of their beneficence is passed on to the consumer.

If everything is being made more expensive so companies can give money to a lot of charities or less worthy causes, then the rest of us have less spending power with our money. And as we know, a lot of "good" causes turn out to be only good for their officers' wallets. 

On the whole I suspect corporate giving does more harm than good. I'd like to see a genuine economist like Thomas Sowell do the math on this, and I'd bet a burger than I'm right. 

But it hardly matters. Companies don't really care if anyone is helped. The real importance is the puffery from Doing Public Good, even if it does the public bad. 

Stay out of jail with Fredcoin!

As CEO of the world's finest crytocurrency, Fredcoin, I get a lot of questions from customers and prospective customers. (Everyone falls into one of those two camps, when you think about it.) They say, "Fred, how can you and your company be so awesome every single day?" And I just smile and pat them on the shoulder. 

Or not, since no one's asked me that. 

YET.

A more likely question is, "Fred, now that Sam Bankman-Fried is looking at a jail sentence longer than the expected life of the sun, doesn't that make you a little nervous?"

Well, first I chuckle and mansplain that the sun is going to last longer than the 110 years he might get. Then they remind me that unless some really hot anti-agathics come along, 110 years and five billion years are effectively the same to a thirty-one-year-old like him. 

I guess Sam still has some fans.

But don't worry about me. I've taken important -- dare I say Key -- steps to make certain I won't wind up in jail. The first is I don't have a wacky girlfriend who will turn state's evidence on me. That's crucial. For another, I don't do drugs and crunch the keyboard for days at a time. Anyone doing that is going to make a big mistake eventually, whether he's honest or not. Third, I haven't tacked on fake companies and charities to steal from. And fourth, I haven't bothered trying to buy any politicians. It's a bad investment. They break down, they violate their own warranties, they throw you under the bus at the first smell of trouble. It's a waste of money. And fifth -- 

There was a fifth reason -- can't recall offhand. Maybe not important.

Oh, wait! That's right! I've done nothing illegal! Ha ha! Totally forgot! No illegality here! No sir! Just honest Fred!

I also haven't set up any weird offshore locations. I wanted to, but other countries looked at my company and said, Meh, why don't you just stay over there and out of here. 

So you needn't worry at all about ol' Fred and his ol' Fredcoin. Just send me money, and I'll invest it in Fredcoin, and you can watch your crypto value stay the same while the US government does its best to ruin its own currency. 

And if the government does come for me -- no doubt out of jealousy -- I have an insider within the court system to help me look good.