Crypts and Cryptos: Or, Death and Taxes.

Greetings, friends! It is I, Fred Key, your friendly neighborhood cryptocurrency tycoon, with another exciting update about Fredcoin, the Crypto for the Smart Set!

I know what's concerning you, my clients and prospective clients. I always have my ear to the ground. I was taught early on that keeping your ear to the ground means money. And sure enough, I got up and there was a nickel stuck in my ear. 

This is a nickel that has seen things.

But that's not important. The thing is, you're worried about taxes on your cryptocurrency earnings. And you have reason to be. As reported on Monday in the New York Post, the only American newspaper with any integrity, the Internal Revenue Service is stepping up efforts to collect earnings on cryptos:  

The Internal Revenue Service is going to court to get its hands on cryptocurrency transaction records as part of its continuing efforts to collect more taxes from Americans who fail to report profits from digital coin trades.

Federal prosecutors in Manhattan announced that they had successfully obtained a court order allowing the IRS to obtain information from M.Y. Safra Bank about American taxpayers who did not disclose crypto-related income.

Your first instinct may be to feel alarmed. Or perhaps to take a deep breath and let the calmness slide over you. Or to stick your head in a bucket of sand. I say thee Nay! None of these are necessary. I can assure you that none of this will affect Fredcoin dealers and traders this year.

"Why Fred," you ask, "how can you possibly know this? Our institutions have gone insane, prosecuting people for political thought and freeing people for violent action. Who knows what the IRS will do?"

You see, friend, there's a magic word in that story I quoted that should put your mind at ease. And that word is: profits. Fredcoin customers haven't had to worry about any profits! In fact, that other word, income, is further assurance that there is "no problemo," as they've had none of that stuff either. See? As they say, Mo' money, mo' problems; no' money, no' problems!

So just take it easy and put more of your money in Fredcoin, where the IRS won't have any reason to look. 

Fredcoin! It's the ultimate tax shelter!

Lost masterpieces of art.

 

Georges Seurat, Man on Call with IRS

Stained glass, Cathedral der Zutenheim, St. Dude

Rembrandt van Rijn,
Nederlands Meisje (Dutch Babe)

OK, so I was on hold with the IRS and playing with the photo software. What of it?

Secret installations.

We know that the suburbs are full of secret spy stuff. Oh, yeah, we do.

After all, when you're planning your secret installation, whether for the CIA, U.N.C.L.E., Dr. No, the FBI, CONTROL, SPECTRE, the Слу́жба вне́шней разве́дки, SMERSH, Chinese Ministry of State Security, KAOS, or anyone else, you want to be out of town so no one sees you digging this big hole in the ground, but you don't want to be so far in the countryside that it takes your top agents eight hours just to drive their sports cars there. You want the suburbs, where there's not much going on, someone's always building something, and people schlep from there into town every day. 

Things are quiet in the 'burbs, and there's tons of nondescript wilderness around to build in. 

Blah, wilderness.

Another advantage is that everyone drives in the suburbs, so no one will come across the secret entrance to your lair.

No one... but the DOG-WALKING GUY!

(Me, that is.)

Secret entrance hatch.

I was rather surprised that they didn't even bother to put any signs around the hatch, like "KEEP OUT" or "HIGH VOLTAGE" or "NOTHING TO SEE HERE" or "PERFECTLY ORDINARY CIVILIAN HATCH HERE." Don't they know how suspicious things are when there's no signs?

I'm hoping it's CIA; at least they'll be on our side. Not evildoers like SPECTRE or the NSA or the IRS. I totally would expect the IRS to have secret headquarters where they bury incriminating hard drives.

But I don't know who it is. Not that they aren't clever, despite their lack of signs. I saw a big tank truck with "markings" from the county "sewer department" running "hoses" down the hatch. Yeah, right. Maybe delivering stolen gold through those hoses. Or maybe delivering SECRETS!

So the takeaway now is that you need to be alert to these kinds of installations in your neighborhood. There's plenty of Web sites for UFO sightings; bah! We need to start monitoring secret installation locations. Maybe if we can mark them, we'll figure out what they're up to. Pay especial attention if your suburb has features that are particularly attractive to secret lairs, like abandoned mine shafts, or volcanoes. Especially volcanoes.

We'll get to the bottom of this. The truth is down there.

Angry letter to the IRS.

Dear {so to speak} IRS:

My name is Frederick Key. What's yours? Never mind; I'm sure you'll lie about it anyway.

I am writing to complain about one of your idiot compliance Nazis, or whatever you call them. "Auditors," is that the euphemism? One of them was kind enough to pay a call following my filing of my 2014 tax return, and let me say that I am furious---furious!---about how rudely we were treated.

If this so-called auditor had just been rude to me, or even my wife, I would have been able to bear it with equanimity, as one does the ravings of some poor lunatic. But the fact that he was rude about my son has left me outraged.

This "auditor" failed to even try to understand the special circumstances regarding my boy, Tralfaz, and his peculiar condition. To start, your goon should understand that despite his large size, Tralfaz is severely developmentally delayed. He has never been able to walk upright, and continues to go about on all fours. He has developed a great deal of speed and strength by doing so, which is a blessing, but try as we might we cannot teach him to stand. It is no wonder that his clothes fit poorly. And it was cruel of your flunky to make fun of him for it.

Further, Tralfaz's developmental delay has rendered him incapable of speech, something else your thug should have been more sensitive about. We find that Tralfaz makes his needs known, however, as one may to kind and loving parents. No wonder your lunkhead could only get vague sounds in response to his prodding.

Finally, it was completely uncalled for when your punk began ridiculing our boy's overgrowth of hair. It is well known that hirsutism is linked to such developmental delays as a tragic circumstance of his form of genetic disease. Had we had a moment's kindness from your snarling creep we would have explained that we head the local chapter of the charity to benefit similar victims, and we might have solicited a donation from him. But now, we're not even inclined to tell you what the charity is. We're that mad.

All this said, can it be any wonder that Tralfaz defended himself from your ruffian in the only way our poor, helpless boy could? I have no doubt that the bite marks on your idiot's leg will heal long before the emotional scars he inflicted upon us will. And we're not paying for his pants.

Poor Tralfaz is still traumatized and will only touch his food if we coax him with treats.

All that said, I am sure that after this unfortunate bullying session by your assassin, you will accept our donations to Tralfaz's charity as deductions, as well as our son's dependent status and the extra healthcare costs involved (doctors, medicine, squeaky toys, etc.). We are as honest as anyone who works for your organization, and we expect you will treat us as you would expect to be treated yourselves.

And feel free to pound this up your refund hole.

Yours etc,.

F. Key