Bob the Mage, conclusion.

[Author's note: Fiction Friday! is here, and we are on the final chapter of our thrilling fantasy adventure, Bob the Mage. Please, no weeping. Yes, we have come to the end of this novella that I wrote years ago, and if you've stuck with it, I sincerely hope you've enjoyed it. It needed more work than I might have hoped, but there were a lot of things I thought showed some promise. Made me want to reach back through time and pat Baby Fred on the head.
At the end of chapter 15, incompetent wizard Bob actually caused the destruction of the evil wizard Mormor, saving himself, Princess Suzy, his friend Astercam, and the crew of the evil-wizard-killing ship Badass. Can they get home without something else horrible happening?

If you'd like to actually read the rest of it, the previous chapters are here: 
chapter 15, chapter 14, chapter 13, chapter 12, chapter 11,

chapter 10, chapter 9, chapter 8, chapter 7, chapter 6,
chapter 5, chapter 4, chapter 3, chapter 2, chapter 1

And remember, if enjoyed the book -- well, thanks!]

Bob the Mage

by Frederick Key

Chapter 16

Not a single sailor looked for any gold.

After Mormor’s departure for parts unseen, a departure that seemed to suck all imps and devils in his employ along with him, the two-thumbed arms that held our crew prisoner began to lose their grip. The sailors managed to free themselves and crawl hand-over-hand, so to speak, along the walls to safety. They’d had enough magic for one day and wanted off the island immediately.

As for Suzy, Astercam, and me, we fell to the ground, but not hard. We began to lose altitude slowly, but we increased speed, and only the last foot or so was gravity-normal. It did not occur to me at the time—not until we were far away from Big Evil Island—but somewhere on the premises was the Gallstone of the Gods, a counterforce to whatever remained of Mormor’s magic, and the longer he was gone the more magic was dispelled. Had it all gone poof at once, we probably would have fallen to our deaths. Thanks, Gallstone!

We hardly said a word, but got back to the boats, back to the Badass, and hauled anchor out of there. We knew Mormor was gone and not likely to ever return, but the island was still terrifying in light of the horrors we had seen. I took one last look as we sailed away, and the skull fortress looked like it was beginning to sag in the moonlight pouring from a now-clear sky. I wondered if the Gallstone would cause the whole castle to collapse, and maybe the whole island with it. I wondered if it would vanish from all nautical reckoning. I hoped so.

The silence on the ship was thick. Suzy was offered a cabin and locked herself in without a word to me or anyone. Astercam crawled up to the crow’s nest and refused to come down. I swabbed the deck just to keep busy.

Eight days crept along and eventually the horrors seemed to fade. Some still saw demons in dark corners, some still woke screaming, some still swigged more than his ration of rum. But enough about me. Most of the guys started to pick up. These sturdy sons of the salt knew that the sea had horrible secrets, and were buoyed by the knowledge that they’d be dining out on this one for a long time. No doubt thirty or forty of them would claim to be the man that slew Mormor.

Suzy called for me that eighth day, and I entered the cabin and she cried for a few hours. My worst fears for her were not confirmed—it seemed that Mormor had retained hope he could twist her to his side right up until the Badass came into view on his magic mirror and he saw who was on it. So physically she’d remained unharmed, at least. Hearing her tale I cried, too. Then we sobbed, did a little weeping, some random tearing-up, and finished with a big WAAAH. That helped wash away the fears, and she was seen on deck from time to time for the rest of our journey to Tegora.

Tegora! How wonderful to smell her cesspools again! After what we’d been through, it felt like home. We landed, and Bugsby filed his official report with the admiral. Complete success, he said, and although the Gallstone was gone, so was the need for it, and we key figures were debriefed by the admiral over the next couple of days.

All charges were dropped against your humble hero here, because of my extreme heroism in the face of eternal torment, which is not a legal excuse but impressed the hell out of the magistrates. Also, I think by this point everyone was agreed that I was not much of a threat.

Not every sailor opted to continue a career on the sea following the trip. Kevin decided to go into carpentry, for one. I requested a formal discharge from the Tegoran army and got it. I also asked for Lefro’s sentence to be commuted or for him to be pardoned; he had been rotting in jail for many weeks now. What the heck; I was feeling merciful.

Of course, I was there to meet him when he was released, and I punched him in the nose.

A couple of days later a ship was arranged to bring Suzy back home to her father. “And you’re coming, too,” she said.

“I am? Wow!”

“If I leave you alone in Tegora you will get arrested again, and thrown into the army again, and sent on another horrible quest, and who knows what will happen? You need someone to keep you out of trouble.”

“And you’re volunteering?”

She smiled. Then she winked.

I’d never been so happy as I was in that moment.

Some of the boys wanted to take me out on my last night in Tegora, though. I said sure. So I was not cured of my poor judgment.

I’m blurry on some of the details. I seem to recall Bugsby getting sore at Chokolost around midnight, and they started dueling with silverware. Bourbon and Sanford pulled them apart, but when Karkill started vomiting we all got thrown out of the tavern. I staggered along, but I’m not sure where we were as I had a lantern shade on my head. A barmaid gave Wrax a hickey the size of a doubloon, and that was all I saw of him. Wiggen and a couple of the ex-pirates started a brawl somewhere along the line, but we left him to his fun. Sailors.

At dawn I was dragged to the dock where I saw a blurry ship waiting for a blurry Suzy who stood on by a blurry gangplank. I shook my head for focus, and realized I was still soaking wet from the impromptu bath the boys had given me. Then the boys took me to the gangplank and dropped me with a “Ta-da!”

“Hi, honey,” I said.

“You’ve been drinking,” she said.

“Who, me? Nevvvvver, well, maybe. How was the palace?” She had been the guest of Maximo the Seventh (may he blah blah blah) while in town.

“Nice. Boring. No one tried to kidnap me, so it had that going for it.”

“What’s Maxie like?”

“I never got to see him. Just a bunch of eunuchs and maids, and a couple of diplomats. Now we’ll probably have to put his relatives up if they drop into town.” She sighed.

“Well, as you can see, I am ready to go. Should we have the captain marry us now, or wait until we get out to sea?”

“Um… can we talk about that, Bob?” She drew me aside and the guys followed. “Alone?”

“Skedaddle, boys,” I said. They skedaddled, grumbling. “What’s up?”

She clutched my shoulders, either to firm her resolve or stop my wobbling. “I don’t want to marry you.”

I blinked. “Wow. Way to drop a brick on a guy.”

“I mean, not right away, at least.”

“But I rescued you. Well, after you rescued me. Maybe you did it twice if you count the serpent. But I was going to save you from the pirates, and I did rescue you in the end. So with all this rescuing I think we’re stuck together.”

She sighed again. “Bob, Bob, Bob… You read a lot of storybooks growing up?”

“So is this over? You don’t love me?”

She grabbed me around the waist. “Oh, Bob! It’s not that! Well, maybe it is that. I don’t know. We haven’t really had much time together, have we? I was smitten the moment I saw you and remain smited, but can we really have a relationship? Everything happened so fast. And some of our strongest memories together are literal hell.”

“Yeah, literally literal.”

“Kind of hard to get past that, even though it wasn’t our fault. I might have post-thaumaturgical stress disorder. Couldn’t we just… hang out together for a while before we make a commitment?”

“Oh, of course.” My turn to sigh. “I fought the world’s mightiest and evilest mage for you, the least I can do is go on a date.”

“We can’t just base our relationship on saving each other all the time.”

“I guess it could get to be a little—”

“Repetitive?”

“All right.” I looked in her eyes, and saw them shining. They were the opposite of every horrible thing I’d been through since I’d first set foot in this town. “As long as I can be with you, I’ll do whatever you ask, Suzy. When do we sail?”

“That’s… another problem.”

“NOW what?”

“The ship’s only supposed to take one passenger: me. They won’t take you.”

“You know, this is starting to sound like a brushoff.”

“I don’t know what to do! I have no real authority. I can’t even bribe anyone. I have no money. You have no money.”

“We should have gotten some of that Big Evil gold after all.”

“But I do want you to come with me.”

“All right. I will find a way. Leave it to me.”

I saw her to the gangplank, where all my pals waved good-bye. When she was aboard I said, “Okay, guys, I need your help one more time.”

An hour later I was sitting in a crate in the cargo hold, hungover, cramped, and stowed away. We were hardly off from shore when my stomach lurched with the seas. I was sick, exhausted, and had barely room to move. What I don’t do for a date.

If any of you had wagered I would wind up in a box at the end of this story, I hope you hadn’t paid off yet. 

Anyway, that’s about all there is to tell for now. I know you probably wanted an epic adventure, with at least more than one elf and two dwarves and just a mention of trolls, but I’m sure you could find some other book you’d like better, then, books that are up to their eyeballs in elves and dwarves and trolls. If it makes you feel better, though, I would like to impart one bit of important wisdom I have learned the hard way, something I tell all the kids who come to me for advice, something for them to remember as they go through this crazy world seeking fame and riches and excitement.

Remember always, kids, I say: Adventure sucks.

END

[So, will Fiction Friday! return next week? Not sure now, but maybe. I have a couple of other books in the trunk, but I think they may be irredeemable. Maybe a new story? We'll find out next week!]

Bob the Mage, ch. 15.

[Author's note: Fiction Friday! is here, and we are on the penultimate chapter of our thrilling fantasy adventure, Bob the Mage. Be grateful that it's more of a novella than a novel. I wrote Bob in my misspent youth -- the only fantasy-world book I ever completed -- and am editing and refreshing it and posting it here. At the end of chapter 14, incompetent wizard Bob and his friend Astercam the Academic had stormed Big Evil Island to rescue the Princess Suzy and slay the evil wizard Mormor, accompanied by Bourbon the Barbarian and the crew of the evil-wizard-killing ship Badass. Things went completely off the rails before they even broke into Mormor's fortress, and now the crew of the ship has been captured. Bob and Astercam are left free to go and face their wicked former captor, Mormor....

Sounds like the climax of the book! If you want to get up to speed with your friends and neighbors, here are the links: 
chapter 14, chapter 13, chapter 12, chapter 11,

chapter 10, chapter 9, chapter 8, chapter 7, chapter 6,
chapter 5, chapter 4, chapter 3, chapter 2, chapter 1

And remember, if you're enjoying the book, tell someone! Put it on Facebook! Promise Mark Zuckerberg than any resemblance between him and Mormor is purely coincidental!]

Bob the Mage

by Frederick Key

Chapter 15

This time I did not enter a banquet hall. Mormor had actually rearranged the rooms in his castle for our benefit. Gracious, eh? Astercam and I emerged on a balcony overlooking an enormous circular chamber. In the middle of the room floated Suzy, about thirty feet in the air and hollering her lungs out. (Those of you who thought Suzy would wind up having been in league with Mormor can just forget it. So there.) Suzy was wearing a torn and mud-splattered gown of sickly green, with matching veil, like she’d been caught in desperate flight wearing a gown woven from solid nausea. On the floor, surrounded by a ring of blood-red flame, was my old pal Zippy.

“About time,” he said, looking up at us. “I was losing hope that you would make it. I feared you might be so incompetent that you would trip and break your skulls.” I gripped my staff threateningly, like a big brave boy. He shook his head in disgust. Then he snapped his fingers, and Astercam and I were aloft. We drifted over to Suzy, not quite close enough to touch. She had stopped screaming, but looked at us with horror in her eyes.

“You should have stayed away,” she croaked.

“I couldn’t,” I said.

Mormor, who this time was wearing spotless black robes covered in runes, gestured again, and the ring of flame tightened around him. It lit him from beneath, scattering his visage with shadows, making him look scarier than ever.

My staff clattered to the floor next to him.

“Nuts!” I said.

He looked up. “That’s all you have, Bobby? You threw your useless stick at me?”

I shrugged. Even if I was good at staff throwing, hitting him in the head would have been a million-to-one shot.

He chuckled. “Bobby, Bobby, Bobby,” he said. “I don’t know how for a moment you thought you could foil my plans. Better men than you have tried, and they’d have failed with a hundred ships and a hundred anti-magic artifacts. But I’m so glad you gave it a whirl. After all, you destroyed my dungeons, and they need to be replenished. That is why you’re alive now; I needed you to bring me more subjects. And here they are!”

Every man from the ship appeared then, lining the walls and roof of that hellish amphitheater. They were pinned in place by the arms that had captured them, like paper dolls tacked to a child’s walls. They looked far more terrified than sailors and pirates ever let on. Bugsby was blubbering; Karkill looked stunned, like he was in a nightmare and could not awaken. Sanford stared, muttering what might have been a prayer over and over. Chokolost was aghast in shock, and even Bourbon, that tower of strength, was wailing. Hell, most of them were wailing. They had lost all hope.

I had led them to this. After killing every victim in Mormor’s dungeons with a bomb, a dark but merciful sin, I had just brought him more. If I’d let them kill me on the ship they wouldn’t be here. I was used to being useless and incompetent, but it was new to feel so horribly wrong.

“Before I put your little friends in storage for later,” said Mormor, “I want them to see something so horrifying that the shock of seeing it will torture them all their days. You see, Bob, Astercam, you two know me to be the foremost authority of torture in the world, and that is correct. But there are other worlds.”

The ring of flame rose slowly until it was about fifteen feet in the air. In its place on the ground was a perfect circle of gold. That’s when I realized what was going to happen. I could tell by his gasp that Astercam did, too.

In order to summon a really powerful demon, it’s not enough to draw a circle. To control such a being the circle must be completely perfect, and itself created by powerful magic. Mormor was going to invite a guest.

And as many times as people had told me to go to hell, I had never expected to actually go there.

Mormor spoke with a voice of doom. “For disobeying me, Astercam, and attempting to flee, and being a bloody boring old fool, I sentence you!”

Astercam squeaked.

“For resisting my advances, helping my foes to escape, and stealing my toys, Suzette, I sentence you!”

Suzy sobbed.

If I hadn’t come along, maybe she would not have wound up with this psychopath. Maybe she’d be dead on the bottom of the ocean, where we’d all be better off. Or maybe she’d have surrendered to him, and at least she wouldn’t be in this fix with me.

“And you, Bob,” said Mormor, smiling, “for escaping, leading a revolt against me, ruining my dungeons, and being so unutterably pathetic, I sentence you! You shall all taste the pain of eternal torment!”

Then, with a wave of his arms that caused great gusts of sulfur and ash to spray us, and all manner and color of fire to blaze about the room, he summoned forth with an unholy chant one of the most horrifying apparitions in hell.

The room shook as the twenty-foot monster rose from the ground, oozing acid and brimstone. Its dozens of arms ended in all sorts of mutated hands, its thirty mouths (some on stalks) wheezed and fumed. Its body was covered in a mockery of living, pulsating organs. It turned its hundred eyes of varying sizes this way and that about the amphitheater, then settled all of them on Mormor.

“Take these three you see above you to your plane,” commanded Mormor, “and do with them what you will.”

The beast seems displeased by the command. “I shall have you, Mormor!” it screeched, in voices high enough to rattle my teeth, low enough to loosen my bowels, probably some inaudible to human ears.

“Never, my slave of the pit!” cried Mormor, enjoying himself. “I shall endure beyond time, and you shall never catch me in your claws. Take what scraps I give you and be grateful!”

The demon’s eyes turned back toward us. Thus compelled, it had to obey Mormor to the letter. Freed, it could do as it pleased.

Freed?

What if…?

But then, what if…?

A monstrous arm reached toward Astercam.

Oh, what’s the difference at this point?

And so, saying to the gods above, Please, just once more, I fired with trembling fingers another heat spell directly at the ring of gold. It was a great shot, I must say, hitting that sucker from thirty feet away.

But the gold stayed solid.

And yet, the demon stopped.

“Do not delay!” cried Mormor. “You have your orders!”

“Orders I may deny!” cried the monster. “The circle is broken!” And it made some bizarre mélange of horrible noises I think was laugher. If everyone you’d ever heard laugh was insane, and they all laughed at once, it would have sounded like that.

“Liar!” sneered Mormor. “You mean Bobby’s little toe-burner? That couldn’t melt butter. Quit stalling.”

“I tell you, it is broken! This scrap you call Bobby melted it a few particles from its perfect form, Mormor, enough to snap your command!”

Mormor stared at the creature, horror dawning on his face. He waved his arms and began to chant the circle spell again, but it was too late. With one arm the demon grabbed Mormor around the waist, and with a mouth on a stalk bit one of the mage’s leg clean off. Mormor started screaming like—well, like a man on his way to hell.

A hundred eyes then turned on me, examining me with penetrating evil, and I thought, Here we go, my turn.

And then fifty of the eyes… winked?

And with a clap of deafening thunder, they were gone.

😈💥🔥

[Close call for our heroes! Next week we'll have the epilogue that will wrap everything up. Will Bob win the hand of the fair maiden? Will Bugsby or Karkill or Chokolost try to kill Bob? Will Bob and Astercam and Suzy plummet to their deaths from where they're floating in the air? All this and more will be revealed next Friday!]

Bob the Mage, ch. 14

[Author's note: Fiction Friday! returns in all its...whatever. And today we have chapter 14 of our thrilling fantasy adventure, Bob the Mage. I wrote Bob in my wayward youth years ago -- my one and only completed fantasy-world book -- and am editing and refreshing it and posting it here. At the end of chapter 13, incompetent wizard Bob and his friends Astercam the Academic and Bourbon the Barbarian had been freed from captivity on a Tegoran ship, when first mate Sanford argued for their innocence. The ship was commissioned to hunt evil wizards, and Bob successfully argued that they should go to Big Evil Island and destroy its master, the incomparably wicked Mormor, and rescue Bob's love, Princess Suzy. Bob's enemies, Bugsby the (supposedly reformed) pirate, Tegoran Mage Corps leader Karkill, and Tegoran army commander Chokolost, are on the ship as well, and a couple of them are reluctant. Perhaps they ought to be...

You know what? This is getting confusing, but we only have three chapters to go. It's not too late to get caught up; here are the links: 
chapter 13, chapter 12, chapter 11,

chapter 10, chapter 9, chapter 8, chapter 7, chapter 6,
chapter 5, chapter 4, chapter 3, chapter 2, chapter 1

And remember, if you're enjoying the book, tell someone! Shout it out loud! Post a link! Tell the swimsuit models you follow on Instagram! If you're hating the book, write me a letter! (frederick_key at yahoo) I'll give you a fresh joke for free!]

Bob the Mage

by Frederick Key

Chapter 14

The closer we got to Big Evil Island, the less noise could be heard on the ship. First the cheerful sounds of happy warriors faded, then the standard everyday grumbling of men at sea faded. Everyone had the feeling that we were up against something for which common chatter was unequal.

There were some incidents that made us think, too. The morning of the second day, a large squall seemed to form ahead of us, completely unexpected based on the weather, that petered out quickly. Astercam and Karkill were certain it was evidence of the Gallstone fighting against the evil magic of Mormor. I was not comforted by the knowledge that if that were the case, then Mormor had seen us and knew we were coming. I certainly hoped he did not have a sea monster on hand, as I didn’t think we’d have much luck finding a virginal royal on this vessel.

A couple of days after that, I was standing on the deck with Sanford again, as the sun dwindled in the west. Astercam’s brilliantly plotted course was taking us right to Mormor, and we now just waited for the tar in the crow’s nest to let us know when the island was spotted. Chokolost had mouthed objections that the island could not possibly be in this direction, so I knew we were on target.

While Bugsby had resigned himself to letting me live for now, and Karkill was dreaming of treasure, Chokolost still refused to be anywhere near me. The one time I saw him aside from consultation on the bridge was at mess, when he grabbed by the nape of the robe and hissed in my ear, “That Mormor had better have as much gold as you said.” Then he pushed me aside and cut the line.

“So,” I said, “are the men ready to pile into the boats?”

“Wrax reports that they are,” said Sanford. “I wish their enthusiasm was as bright as it had been. We seem to be having the life drawn out of us as we get closer. As if we had already died and become ghosts.”

“I had no idea Mormor was so famous in these oceans. There are an awful lot of stories about him around this ship.”

“And a lot of awful stories.”

“Probably all true.”

“Hmmm.”

Silence fell between us with a thud. I was trying to think of something light to say when we heard the cry.

“Land ho!”

And there it was on the horizon, a big blackhead on the face of the ocean. Big Evil Island.

“Very well,” said Sanford. “So the plan is: Move in a little closer, drop the anchor, load the boats, row like crazy, run up to the castle, and hope that the Gallstone dispels any magical attacks.”

“Yes,” I said. “I know Astercam drew maps of the island. There should be no human beings around except Mormor and Suzy, but we may have to fight imps and demons.”

“You have your magical doodads together?”

“As much as I could find on the ship.” Which wasn’t much. With what I had in my pouch, I could do my light and heat and cold spells, and if there were any vermin around that needed zapping, I was your man. That was about it. Actually, considering my ineptitude at combat, I was feeling as useful as a tick on a wooden leg. I now had a nice staff the ship’s carpenter whipped up for me, but it wasn’t enchanted. If a bad guy popped out and stood still for a prolonged period, maybe I could hit him.

We drew closer. I kept waiting for lightning, fireballs, hairballs, something to come at us, but nothing happened. Was the Gallstone really keeping Mormor at bay, or was he just waiting for us to get closer so he could trap us alive and put us in his dungeons? Was Suzy distracting him? Or had she beaned him with a teapot and won the day on her own? When what you expect to happen doesn’t happen, you expect everything else.

While I was checking my bag of magical bits for the seventy-fourth time, a whistle came from the speaking tube. “Now hear this,” shouted Bugsby.

“What?” yelled every nervous sailor on deck.

“Drop the anchor, boys. It’s showtime.”

In moments we were assembled, the anchor dropped, and we were starting to board the boats. The Badass had more landing boats than any ship I’d ever heard of, but that made sense considering it was designed for just this type of operation. Its four large boats would fit us all, not including the handful of swabbies working the ropes. Bugsby directed things on deck, and I heard him tell Sanford he was going to stay aboard and wait for us. “All the more loot for me,” muttered Sanford, and Bugsby inserted himself on the next boat. I got in one with Chokolost and Karkill, and both were glued to my side. We were lowered onto the waves, where the oarsmen did their thing, and some sailors were crying “For the KING!” and others “ARR! BOOTY!” But their hearts didn’t really seem in it.

Soon Big Evil Island was looming over us, its shadows from the dying sun licking us like the cold tongues of demons. I wondered if it was too late to have Chokolost kill me and get it over with fast.

We hit the black-sand beach and started running. Screaming mighty battle cries, we dashed up the path four abreast. I was forced up near the front, along with Bourbon, Astercam, and Sanford. Behind us were dozens of screaming sailors. I guess there was no point in trying a sneak attack. Right in the middle of the herd, two of the beefiest sailors were carrying a crate on poles, a crate that had been our ace in the hold (so to speak) and now we hoped would preserve us against the enemy—a crate containing my old pal, the Gallstone of the Gods.

I could feel the magic coming from it. Unfortunately I could feel a lot more magic ahead of me.

Farther up the path we ran, that craggy path from the beach to the castle, and the cheering died down as everyone ran out of breath. Hey, it was a long uphill run, maybe 300 yards, which is why the ship’s cannon couldn’t give us any cover. Even Bourbon was winded. Without our motivational yelling, the castle, staring down at us with the empty eye sockets of thousands of skulls, looked more terrifying by the second. Morale was starting to dip.

Then we came to a dead stop at the iron doors. Now that we had a good look at them, it was clear that the battering ram we’d brought would be as useful as a toothpick against plate mail. I waited for Bugsby to start ordering siege positions, as we’d discussed on the ship, but he and all the sailors were just looking up at the castle like this whole thing had been the worse idea ever. But Karkill, dreams of gold and treasure still shining in his eyes, said, “Come on, you grunts! As long as we have the Gallstone, nothing can stop us!”

And then two very bad things happened.

First, the enormous eyes on the overall skull shape of the castle were suddenly lit as with unholy fire, blasting twin beams of light into the sky that neither warmed nor illuminated. We all cringed as one.

Then two black-winged beasts swooped down and bowled over the men carrying the Gallstone crate. It wasn’t even a fight. They came from the shadows of the sky while we were staring upward like dumb gerbils and flattened the two dummies with the crate, then whoosh and away, no one even getting in a chop or nocking an arrow. The Gallstone might stop magic, but not magical beasts. All I and Chokolost and the others on King Maximo’s quest had achieved was gone up into the sky, our protection vanished.

We stood there saying nothing, the panic leaping from face to face and building as it went.

“S-say something!” Sanford said, elbowing me hard.

“Wh-wh-what?”

“Say something to them, damn it, before we all lose it!”

I cast my eyes around quickly and then, loudly as I could, yelled, “Men!”

They looked at me.

“What the hell! Let’s do it!”

They blinked.

“Come on! Say it with me! WHAT THE HELL!”

“WHAT THE HELL!” cried a hundred men.

We raced up to the doors, caroming off them without effect. If they were magically sealed we had no chance of getting through. But if that huge keyhole built like a howling mouth was just an ordinary lock…

“Stand back!” I said, and gathered myself for my best heat spell ever. I did the whole song and dance, focus driven by terror, and prayed please, just this once…. And I let loose a shot of burning heat straight into the lock. A flash of sparks came out and a little molten metal was coughed out of the hole.

“That’s my boy!” yelled Karkill.

“WHAT THE HELL!” I screamed, and we hit the doors again. With a huge crash they burst inward, and we stumbled into that hallway I’d entered so long ago. I had done it!

But there was no time to pat myself on the back.

No sooner were we all in, weapons drawn, when a couple of sailors were screaming. From the floor, which was dimly lit by patches of light from the ceiling, greenish hands with two thumbs each grabbed at the sailors’ legs. They popped up everywhere gripping, tripping, grabbing, squeezing with inhuman strength. They appeared to be made of stone, for most of our edged weapons just blunted against them. Kevin the ex-pirate got his wooden leg grabbed; he popped off it, but his good leg was snagged above the knee. Chubby little Wiggen, scowling, leveled his blunderbuss against one arm and blew it to pieces; two more grew in its place. Karkill, lashing out with his wand, had little more luck. We struggled forward, but as we went more and more men became ensnared and were left behind. They were not being crushed to death as I feared at first, but just completely constrained. Soon we were down to fifty in number, then twenty, then ten.

Finally I struggled to the end of the hall and yelled, “WHAT THE HELL!”

“What… the… hell,” wheezed Astercam.

I turned to look at him. We were the only ones left. Behind us were no men, just cries and oaths from where they were captured far behind. Even Bourbon.

“Well, that went to crap in a hurry,” I said. “Just us two now, old-timer?”

“Quite the… coincidence, eh?” he panted.

“Looks like a showdown to me.”

He leaned on his knees and shook his head. “Not like I have anything better to do right now.”

I smiled.

“You scared, Bob?”

“Petrified.”

“Me too.”

We looked back at the hall full of men, struggling against their bonds. We looked ahead into a blinding and sinister light. Then we looked at each other again and shrugged.

“Let’s go,” I said.

😱😱

[Well, surely the next chapter will include the deaths of Bob and Astercam, so you may not want to see this. Or you may have been looking forward to it for weeks. Either way, come back next Friday for our astonishing penultimate chapter!]

Bob the Mage, ch. 13.

[Author's note: Sorry, gang, but like it or not, it is Fiction Friday! again! And today we have chapter 13 of our fantasy novel, Bob the Mage. As I keep explaining, maybe as an excuse, I wrote Bob in my ill-spent youth years ago -- my one and only completed fantasy-world book -- and am editing and refreshing it and posting it here. At the end of chapter 12, incompetent wizard Bob and his friends Astercam the Academic and Bourbon the Barbarian had been arrested on a Tegoran ship, after escaping Big Evil Island and its master, the evil Mormor. Bob's enemies, Bugsby the (possibly reformed) pirate, Tegoran Mage Corps leader Karkill, and Tegoran army commander Chokolost, are on the ship and out for Bob's blood. For a moment it looked like Astercam had saved Bob's bacon, but the crowd turned on him. The crew is about to vote on whether Bob should live or die...

If you haven't been following along to this point and want to binge-read, here are the links: 
chapter 12, chapter 11,

chapter 10, chapter 9, chapter 8, chapter 7, chapter 6,
chapter 5, chapter 4, chapter 3, chapter 2, chapter 1

And remember, if you're enjoying the book, tell someone! Post a link! Tell your grandma on Facebook! Post a link with some cat videos! If you're hating the book, write me a letter! (frederick_key at yahoo) I'll apologize for wasting your time!]

Bob the Mage

by Frederick Key

Chapter 13

Then they killed me.

No, just joshing. There are four more chapters in this story to go; at least give me one more. That’s what Sanford did.

Just as Bugsby was about to call again for the vote to kill me, First Mate Sanford said, “Excuse me, Captain Bugsby! I request the chance to speak!”

“Don’t bother, matey; we’ve got enough to hang him now.”

“No, sir; if you please, I wish to defend the man.”

“DeFEND! DEFEND? This is MUTINY!” cried the captain.

“Hardly, sir. I can assure you that under the laws of Tegora, differing opinions of the captain and members of his crew in a criminal trial do not constitute mutiny.”

“Damn yer eyes, you rotten mother-suckin’ barnacle!”

“Such outbursts are unbecoming a captain of His Majesty’s fleet, if may say so, captain.”

“GAAAH!”

Bluster as he might, Bugsby was up against pure implacability and he hadn’t a clue as to how to get around it. Pirates could duel, or throw each other to the sharks, or randomly assault each other, but such things are not in keeping with a shiny new captain of the king, especially when your first mate is popular with the crew, as Sanford was. Defeated, Bugsby stepped aside, gallantly waving Sanford up with mock civility. As the first mate stepped up smartly, Bugsby muttered about the good old days.

“Captain, fellow officers, and sailors,” Sanford began, nodding to the captain, “none of you but Wrax, Wiggen, and the codefendants and I were present when this Bob told us of his love for the princess Suzette, held captive on a dangerous island where a sorcerer wields hellish powers against his prisoners. Bob and his companions barely escaped from the clutches of this madman, with the help of his princess, and now Bob lives only to seek the means to save her.

“Rubbish, you say? I see some of you scoffing. Puzzman, and you there, Grattie. Scoff if you will, but you know I am a good judge of men. A first mate must be loyal to his ship above all, and fearless, but he must also have a keen ear for truth. And while I suspect a few details may have been fudged, I say that this Bob’s fear of the evil wizard and his love of Suzette are truer than most of the pitiful emotions that most of us wander about with through our lives. He speaks truth! And we three officers, I, Wrax, and Wiggen, ask that you vote to spare his worthy life so that we may all aid him in his quest.

“I note that Bob’s esteemed accusers are looking at me as if I had lost my senses. With all due respect, I think they are mistaken, although I can understand it. For they must think I am asking to set this devil free, and not only that, but to salute him and follow his orders as well. After all, was it not the mission of this ship to hunt for the evil Bob? Is that not why we have the very artifact he was supposed to recover, activated by Hackles the Bold’s Hairy Wand?”

At this, my eyes and Astercam’s both bugged out. They had the Gallstone of the Gods here, on this ship? That useless hunk of rock? And yet it was obviously not useless anymore. It was sending out some kind of magical energy that I had detected over the waves; that must have been what I felt that had led me to steer our little boat toward this ship. I’d heard of the Hairy Wand, mainly as a joke, but if the Tegorans had it and had a wizard who was able to actually use it, that would explain some of what was going on. The Wand’s purpose was kind of as an enhancer and activator. Simon the Unsteady said it was a catalyst, but at the time I thought he meant it did something to cats. Not to get too “inside jousting” on you; I can say the Wand was not a fearsome magic weapon, but it could be used to activate other magical items or wake dormant magical creatures. So was the Gallstone now some magical protection against evil wizardry? Did that mean that this ship and its crew, although sent to kill me, were really the best hope to stop Mormor?

I wanted badly to hear what Astercam might think, but at the moment Sanford was still talking.

“Bob is no more a villain than any of us,” he said, “and in fact, probably less of a villain than many. Did he break our laws? Well, haven’t most of you? Did he really work magic on innocent men? Look at his pathetic form and tell me what you think. Did he disobey orders? He survived Karkill’s training, and did get Chokolost to the stone they were seeking. He may have disobeyed Captain Bugsby by meeting the princess, who was a, um, a guest on the Seaworthy, but it must be said that the Seaworthy was a pirate ship and Bob’s action could be construed as a service to the crown. And remember, he, like all the pirates on that ship, did get pardoned in exchange for fighting a sea monster.

“We believe that Bob’s actions were no credit to his service to Tegora, but we must temper justice with mercy. Most of all, we must believe the evidence of our association with him, that Bob is not a powerful mage, may be barely competent at best, and there is nothing to be gained by putting him to death. It would not serve justice and would be an insult to the hope for mercy in this world!”

You might imagine that I was stunned. You’d be right. Not only was Sanford suggesting mercy, but the crew was listening, and some were nodding.

“As for his quest,” said Sanford, “I submit that what Bob seeks, the freedom of his princess and the destruction of Morwor Mordun Mormor, is exactly what we are meant to do. Chokolost told us that the reason he was sent to find the Gallstone of the Gods was because the crown feared the growing power of the wizard Mormor, and was looking for a means of protection against dark magic. It has been a single-minded goal of King Maximo’s for a decade, and for good reason. I suspect that the reason we were commissioned to find Bob was mainly as a test to see if the Gallstone’s protection was really active against evil magic. Well, we cannot consider it a success or a failure yet. But then, look at it this way: We have the stone, we have three passengers who have been to the evil Mormor’s island and know the layout, and we know the legends that Mormor has tremendous piles of gold and gems and magical items hoarded in his castle. These men, these three brave men, these three brave men who know what kind of serious treasure may be found on Big Evil Island… perhaps even the legendary treasure of Gargothene the Odiferous… these three men can lead us to battle and plunder and the rescue of the Princess Suzette! Our man Bob can take us straight to the evil Mormor, and with the strength of our arms and the power of the stone, we shall destroy him! And get the gold! What say you now, men?”

They ate it up. Sanford could have told them to jump into the water and tow us to the island. I hoped he hadn’t oversold it, since I had not actually seen any mounds of gold on Big Evil Island, but it stood to reason that Mormor had them—and it served its purpose. Those Sanford could not sway by reason, he swayed by greed. Bugsby still was calling for the vote of death, but his voice was lost in the cheering. Karkill had softened, and he leaned on a barrel with a dreamy look in his eyes. Chokolost just glared.

Within minutes I was freed of my chains, as were Bourbon and Astercam (although they left the muzzles on Astercam). I was hoisted on the shoulders of sailors who demanded, “Speech! Speech!”

“No, it’s time for action!” I yelled.

“Speech! Speech!”

“Well, okay.”

They put me on the poop deck and I waited for them to quiet down.

“Thank you all,” I began, “for showing true honor. And thanks to Astercam and Sanford, who spoke so well on my behalf. I am not evil, as you know, and I am glad to be accepted among this fine crew, the crew of the finest ship I have ever seen!” This bit was true, but I had spent my life as a total landlubber and had seen exactly four ocean vessels up close, counting the catamaran; no use mentioning that now. “Let us sail on to Big Evil Island and take the battle of good upon our shoulders! For the king!”

“THE KING!”

“The princess!”

“THE PRINCESS!”

“The loot!”

“THE LOOOOOOOT!”

There was much shouting and laughing, backslapping and autographing. It seemed to take a while before anyone got back to work.

When they did, Astercam—finally de-muzzled—was taken with a grouchy Bugsby to chart a course for Mormor’s stronghold. Sanford got the men turning the ship in the generally correct direction. Chokolost went below, glowering as he passed. Karkill followed me around all afternoon, though, saying things like, “I knew you were a good sort, Bob” and “You do the warrior mages proud” and “Just how much gold is on this island, anyway?”

I said, “Imagine the biggest pile of gold you can.”

“All right.”

“Is it really big?”

“Oh, I have a strong imagination.”

“Double it.”

“Whoa,” he said.

“And all kinds of magic stuff just lying around by the sackful.”

“Whoaaaa.”

That got rid of him for a while, but it was still several hours before I could speak with Sanford alone. We stood on the bridge at sunset, while the sky was filling with heavy clouds and a nervous wind played through the ropes. From all quarters I could still hear snatches of shanties sung by sailors dreaming of heroism and riches and glory as they worked. Sanford gripped the wheel steadily, his eyes reflecting the reddening sun.

“So why’d you do it?” I asked.

“Do what, Bob?” he said, still looking to sea.

“Why’d you save my neck?”

“You don’t think I believed your story?”

“I’d like to think so, since it was true,” I said, “in its key aspects anyway. But most people don’t believe me, and no one’s ever trusted me, except Suzy, for some reason. Why you?”

“I did believe your story. And Astercam’s. They jibed with everything I’ve ever heard about Mormor. And the king really would like Mormor to be dead.”

Silence for a bit, broken only by the drifting songs, the odd slap of sail.

“And?” I asked.

“And the gold,” he said. “I’m a decent sort of chap, but I’m not stupid.”

💰💰💰💰

[Can the crew of the Badass take the fight to the evil wizard? Can they stand up against Mormor? Will Bob's enemies try to dispose of him again? Tune in next Friday for Chapter 14 and find out!]

Bob the Mage, ch. 12.

[Author's note: It is Fiction Friday! again, Taco Tuesday's kid brother, with it brings chapter 12 of our fantasy novel, Bob the Mage. As noted before, I wrote Bob in my ill-spent youth ago -- my one and only completed fantasy-world book -- and am editing and refreshing it and posting it here. As chapter 11 ended, incompetent magic user Bob and his friends Astercam and Bourbon the Barbarian had been picked up by a Tegoran ship, having survived days at sea after escaping Big Evil Island. Bob is wanted in Tegora, but boarding the Tegoran ship was a matter of survival -- which turned into a cruel joke, as the ship is commanded by his nemesis Bugsby the (possibly reformed) pirate, along with former Tegoran army enemies Karkill and Chokolost. Will they kill Bob immediately or have a mock trial and then kill him?

Previous chapters can be found at these links: chapter 11,

chapter 10, chapter 9, chapter 8, chapter 7, chapter 6,
chapter 5, chapter 4, chapter 3, chapter 2, chapter 1

And remember, if you're enjoying the book, tell someone! Post a link! Tweet about it on Twitter! Tweet about it to the neighborhood sparrows! If you're hating the book, write me a letter! (frederick_key at yahoo) I'll dedicate the book to you to get you to like it! Maybe!]

Bob the Mage

by Frederick Key

Chapter 12 

I suppose you’re thinking that after Mormor’s chamber of horrors that there wasn’t much these pikers could do to scare me. You’d be perfectly wrong. They were no Mormor, it’s true, but these three lunatics were perfectly capable of scaring a skinny, helpless mage.

Karkill was ready to zap me on the spot, and Chokolost was stretching his throttling grip, and Bugsby dropped words like “keelhaul” and “sharks” and “plank,” but they all muttered that they had to do things by the book, per the rules of the Tegoran navy. Plus, they wanted that reward, and it would be easiest to get if the wicked Bob were executed after a fair and well-transcribed trial.

Okay, then I’ll live until to get to the mainland, I thought.

“Fortunately,” said Bugsby, “a trial can be legally held aboard ship, with the crew serving as jury. So we try him, hang him, pickle what’s left of him, and go get the booty! I mean, reward.”

As I learned, regulations stated that the trial had to be held in daylight, I guess as a means of discouraging impromptu nighttime mob justice or mutiny. I was clapped in irons and dragged to the brig. A sleepless night awaited me. I lay there, the dark wood of the cell like a coffin, my meager magic clamped off by all that iron, listening to the gentle creak of the ship. The pirate-slayer I’d been imprisoned in creaked like an old man. The Seaworthy had creaked like any second it would shatter into toothpicks.

I had no ideas for escape. I was about ready to give up on what I laughingly called my existence, and probably would have except that A) these guys were being total jerks and shouldn’t get their way, and B) Suzy was still stuck in that big stupid evil skull castle and needed me.

Two sailors arrived with the dawn to haul me out. They spoke not a word but pulled me along to the deck, where a red sunrise awaited, and they chained me to the foremast where everyone could get a good look at me. I said nothing, just tried to think, but my brain it that state was as good at thinking as your average pumice stone. The sailors going about deck duties stared. I recognized a couple of ex-pirates, but any hope that they might show some kindness to an old shipmate was lost.

Even Kevin snarled at me when I said I was glad he’d survived, and was that a new leg? Chic. I’d hoped to ask him if they’d found out that the Tegoran pirate-hunter had not really been magically alerted to the Seaworthy by me, as Bugsby had claimed when we were captured, but neither Kevin nor anyone else would talk to me. I had more friends in Mormor’s dungeon than on this deck.

The sun was burning quite nicely as the men were called to trial. I soon looked down on forty assorted seamen. The sea was shining, little white caps waving at me, bye-bye. Astercam and Bourbon were dragged on deck, but they were chained as well, and muzzled. The crew must have waited for the giant barbarian to pass out or he’d have cracked a bunch of heads. I supposed he and Astercam were under arrest for abetting an enemy of the king or something. I wondered if I’d be alive long enough to find out.

“Mateys,” said Bugsby, his good eye piercing the sailors to their hearts, “you see before ye the most contemptible cur on the seven seas. No, not me, him! Bob, the most evil seadog a man could meet. I can barely list his crimes here. But I will. He used wicked magicks against a ship of Tegora. He betrayed, treasoned, and said nasty things about King Maximo of Tegora (may his pet wombats sing his glory or somethin’). He has fought as a pirate against ye, and is unrepentant. And worst of all, he has failed to follow orders!”

The sailors gasped.

“Arr, mateys! Furthermore, we have reason to believe he kidnapped a princess, and summoned a horrible two-headed sea monster! I call for the death of this wicked wizard Bob, in a quick but painful manner, as befits a horrid, mangy, dirty, nasty, unclean, despicable vermin, who would throw his own sweet mother down a flight of stairs for the fun of hearin’ her thump at the bottom. What d’ye say?”

They cried yea (or arr) and waved their grog.

Bugsby sat, and Karkill stood before the group.

“Men, warriors of the king,” he said, “I come before you today not as a loyal servant of the crown, nor as a fellow veteran, but in my capacity as a user of magic.” He pulled a bouquet of roses from a sleeve as a demonstration, and tossed it to the crowd to a smattering of applause. “It is not generally known, but we in the craft have a long tradition of unsworn but unshakeable loyalty between master and apprentice.”

News to me. Simon the Unsteady would have fallen over laughing at that.

“This mage chained up here has broken that sacred trust. He used the knowledge I gave him and turned against me and the king. There’s only one punishment fitting for such a maggot, and you know what it is!”

“DEATH!” came the response.

Karkill shot out some confetti, took a bow, and left the stage for Chokolost.

Chokolost was looking splendid that day, groomed and polished, exuding an aura of strength the way an old fish exudes stink. He cast an iron eye on all present, fixing it on me at last. There it lingered for some time. I gave a personable grin. It didn’t help. He turned to the crowd and spoke.

“My fellow servants of the crown,” he said, “our esteemed captain and the mage warrior Karkill have ample reason to detest this villain strapped to the mast, for all he has done and is believed to have done, but it is my duty to relate to you the details of his verified and proven treason against the crown.”

The jackass must have been taking eloquence pills or something, I thought.

“He and I were sent on a confidential mission for his majesty, King Maximo the Seventh (may he stub not a toe). We and other soldiers and mages were sent to find the ancient magical artifact known as the Gallstone of the Gods. We journeyed through perilous lands, reaching at last the labyrinth where the stone had come to rest. When ordered to open a magically sealed door, our treacherous wizards tried to stall, clearly terrified. It was fear of the monsters within the labyrinth, I thought then. Now I think it was fear of our sovereign getting hold of the Gallstone of the Gods.

“When their dithering became dangerous, with our entire party exposed on a mountainside, I used the means at my disposal to motivate them. Sure enough, this Bob proved totally capable of opening the door, but first he cast a spell of confusion on my men, and my mule, causing them all to fall off the mountain and perish. Only he and I were left then, and it took all my strength and cunning to keep him from deserting.

“We wandered the labyrinth for hours, or days, and it may be that he was purposely keeping us lost. But my flawless sense of direction led us to the Gallstone, which was guarded by a hideous and ferocious monster! I made ready to take it on in single combat, when this mage winked out his magic light and plunged us into darkness! As I cried out for help all I heard was his footsteps running away. And later I would find out he was running away with the stone!

“I battled the monster fiercely, and in end it tripp—that is, I struck it a critical blow to its tiny brain with my sword. Wounded and alone, I wandered again for days until I found a way out.

“I eventually returned to Tegora, where I was forced to admit defeat to my superiors. Then I was given some shocking news. Lefro, one of the useless mages from our quest, had returned to the city with the Gallstone, expecting a reward! We arrested him for desertion and persuaded him to explain how he had gotten the artifact. He confessed that Bob had given him the stone and sent him into town with it to get the reward, which they would split. Perhaps they planned to meet in Purgor, for that was where Bob was found hiding.

“Our attempt to capture Bob there was thwarted by his magic arts, and he sought to escape on a pirate ship. We have had many weeks of searching since, but now at last we have the blackguard. Those of you who sailed with Captain Bugsby previously know some of his crimes on the seas, but I can tell you this—Bob is a thief, a liar, a deserter, a coward, and a self-serving practitioner of the dark arts, and the sooner he is dead the better the world shall be!”

What a speech. I was about ready to call for my own death. At least I knew now how Lefro had come to be in the Purgor police station, blaming me for everything under the sun. I hoped that the rotten little stinker was cooling his heels in some dinky cell back in Tegora.

Bugsby once again stood before the assembly. “Now, as ye know, the law requires that anyone who wants to speak for the defendant may open his gob now. Anyone?”

“Mmm! Mmmm!” said Astercam, rattling his chains and struggling against his muzzle.

“Anyone? Anyone at all? Well, then, mateys…”

“MMMM!”

“…I say that it be time we put it to a vote…”

“MMMMMMM!”

“…as the law of the sea under yon Tegoran flag requires. All in favor of death for this scoundrel, say ARR!”

“Just a moment, Captain Bugsby.” It was the first mate, Sanford. “The old man wants to say a word.”

“He probably has an itch or something. Now, as I was saying, all in favor…”

“No, sir, it definitely looks like he has something to say. And the law states that anyone, even another prisoner, may speak for the defendant.”

“Arr!” Bugsby stamped around for a few seconds in frustration, emitting almost visible fumes. Then he said, “Oh, all right. Unchain the old fart.”

So Astercam, or as I’d come to think of him, Good Ol’ Astercam, was set free and given the floor.

“Thank you,” said Astercam, “and a lovely deck it is, too. Is this Gomblian teak? Looks rather like it with the dark striations—”

“GET ON WITH IT!”

“Men of Tegora!” said Astercam. “I do not come here to praise the virtue of my friend Bob, nor to excuse him for his crimes. In a somewhat twisted manner, for example, the tale told by Chokolost is true. Bob told me all about their unhappy quest. Why not? We were stranded on an island and he had no reason to lie. But he also told me how the villainous Lefro stole the Gallstone from him, throwing Bob from a cliff and making off with the artifact, along with Bob’s food stores, leaving him to perish in the wilderness. Bob left Chokolost in the labyrinth, yes, but he had every reason to believe that the man was dead already.

“Consider this, too: Chokolost accuses Lefro and Bob of fearing to let Maximo the Seventh (may he, uh, something or other) get hold of the Gallstone. Then why would they conspire to turn it in for a reward? Please, sergeant, do not contradict yourself so.

“No, Lefro, Bob, and the third mage on the expedition were not afraid of the king’s power. They were foolish and ill-trained (yes, Karkill, I said ill-trained!) and were forced to try something beyond their powers. Their punishment for failure was to be hurled off a mountain, which killed one mage and almost killed Lefro. Bob’s time in the service of the military of Tegora was a tale of mismanagement and poor personnel decisions, that is a fact, and as bright as your buttons and your ship are, I’m sure you all have had some experience with this. C’mon, am I right?

“How would any of you like to be executed on the spot for failing to tie a triple half-hitch? Or for missing a stain with your mop? I think we need to understand the conditions our friend Bob, a nearly powerless mage, was under and realize that for him, his actions were not treason nor meant to be, but merely the desperate actions needed for survival.

“I tell you, this trial is a mockery! This man is no evildoer, no summoner of monsters and bad weather! Believe me, we were in dire straits and I would know if he had any powerful magic. He is simply a poor man pressed into awful servitude, trying to cling to life. If he is guilty of anything, then I say, his accusers are guiltier still for having driven him to it!”

Sailors were nodding and rubbing their chins. Great speech! I thought. Gods shower blessings on Astercam!

“And now,” he said, “allow me to explain a little more in depth. We must consider the questions of jurisdiction and relevant codes. You see, there is no one ‘law of the sea,’ as many sailors tend to be believe, but rather a long history of maritime development of such laws. Probably the first was propagated by the Emperor Zaschnuch, some three thousand years ago, when the Risnigans rules the eastern part of the Joma lakes system. The large bureaucratic apparatus beneath the emperor was not inclined to meddle in the affairs of the wealth-bringing traders of the lakes, but such lawlessness as pervaded the lakes system had begun to threaten colonies and trading partners. With the rising popularity of the koonie bark as a flavoring, the Risnigans…”

And that was all she wrote. After fifteen minutes of the history of maritime law, the Risnigan empire, the koonie bark trade, the Elfin tribes’ ocean explorations, Zaschnuch’s family intrigues, the Kraken Question, and the spread of legalese on the wave, the sailors were calling for Astercam’s death. He had done the worst thing he could at a trial like this: He sucked the entertainment value right out of it. They chained him up again and put three muzzles on him, on the theory that you can’t be too careful.

As for me, Astercam’s brilliant defense had been annihilated by his academic pontification. I don’t think a single sailor even remembered the defense part. All they knew was they had bad feelings now, and those feelings were connected to the weenie on the mast, and if it weren’t for him they might be doing something fun, like sleeping or playing with their ditty bags.

Bugsby spat on Astercam and took his place again before the crowd. “Anything to say before the final vote?” he asked me.

“I’m innocent?” I croaked.

“Anything relevant to say?”

“For the sake of love,” I said, tired, “have mercy.”

So much chin music to this crowd. They roared for blood. Specifically, the stuff I was full of.

🐙🔱

[Well, looks like this is definitely the end for Bob, doesn't it? Come back next week to find out if he's hanged, stabbed, shot, strangled... or if these sailors really get mad!]