One of the ignored features of the movie Up is that the evil Charles Muntz invented one of the most ridiculously important devices of all time -- a machine that not only allows dogs to communicate in English without even vocalization, but apparently helps them to understand us completely and without training. Not only that, but the dogs are able to express their own thoughts to one another that way. It's completely mind-boggling. Nothing else in the movie comes close to that level of crazy, not Kevin the magical-ish bird or using sails to steer balloons or the fact that Muntz has lived almost a century and is still pretty spry. The idea that animals have human-enough brains to communicate with us via a proper device would have made Muntz the greatest biologist and inventor in history. So it's better not to think about it while watching the movie.
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| "Hi there!" |
As things are in the real world, dogs hardly understand us and very often don't even try, because it would interfere with their own interests. I don't know if they're being stubborn or willful, or just didn't read the job description properly.
WANTED: DOG
JOB DESCRIPTION
One (1) dog sought to fulfill position of: Dog. No experience necessary; will train. Duties include:
Obedience: Will listen to and obey a short list of commands
Exercise: Will encourage humans to get exercise with play, walks, etc.
Affection: Will provide affection to humans occasionally, as inspired (not mandatory at all times)
Protection: Will provide canine protection against wild animals and human assailants as needed (not a common occurrence)
Toys and food to be provided to match your preferences (to be determined over time) and health needs. Note: No chewing on walls, floors, furniture, or rugs permitted.
That's what I would have written as the want ad. What the dogs would have read, however, seems to have been an entirely different ad.
WANTED: DOG
JOB DESCRIPTION
One (1) dog sought to fulfill position of: Dog. No experience necessary. Duties include:
Listening: Optional, with obedience as you feel like it
Exercise: Lying on the grass or the porch when inconvenient. Best time for play is in the wee hours, or whenever humans want to sleep.
Affection: To be determined by dog
Protection: Go insane at UPS man, other dogs; responding to threats close to home optional
All things within home may be chewed as determined by dog; anything may be a toy or food as required. Optional self-assigned jobs may include: eating poop, chewing baseboards, eating inedible objects, digging miscellaneous holes.
Sometimes I think those Muntz collars might be helpful to prevent these little misunderstandings. Other times I think I'm happier not knowing what my dogs are thinking. I'm always glad that the neighbors don't know what my dogs are thinking. It would lead to fistfights or at least embarrassment.
2 comments:
If your dog is thinking of killing you, that would be good to know in advance.
As a sage once told me, "Never own a pet you can't kill in hand to hand combat." See also, Siegfried and Roy.
They're too smart to engage in direct combat. They'd trip me on the stairs and sit looking like charming fluffballs over my carcass.
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