You put the Lyme in the coconut...

Forget the Chinese Death Virus for a while. I'm now convinced that I and everyone else has Lyme disease.

Why? Well, I've been working this past week on some medical materials related to the disease, especially concerning its underdiagnosis, undertreatment, and sneaky, horrible symptoms. This kind of reading can make anyone think he has whatever disease it is. I've had assignments on women's health that damn near made me think I had endometriosis. It's a phenomenon I've mentioned before, one my wife and I call Real Housemaid's Knee, after its description by the great Jerome K. Jerome.

And how could anyone, especially someone who has been around the sun a few times, not think he has Lyme disease? Here's a list of symptoms from Lyme expert Dr. Joseph Burrascano:

fever
sweats
chills
weight change (loss or gain)
fatigue
tiredness
hair loss
swollen glands
sore throat
difficulty swallowing
swelling around the eyes
burning in feet
swelling in feet
chest pain or rib soreness
shortness of breath
heart palpitations
pulse skips
heart block
heart murmur
bull’s-eye rash
Erythema Migrans (EM) rash
nausea
vomiting
GERD
change in bowel function (constipation, diarrhea)
gastritis
abdominal cramping
cystitis
irritable bladder
bladder dysfunction
newly diagnosed irritable bowel syndrome (IBS)
joint/muscle pain in feet
ankle pain
shin splints
joint pain or swelling
stiffness of the joints, neck, or back
muscle pain or cramps that migrate
temporomandibular joint dysfunction (TMJ/TMJD jaw pain)
neck creaks and cracks
neck stiffness
muscle twitching
headache
tingling
numbness
burning or stabbing sensations
facial paralysis (Bell’s palsy)
dizziness
poor balance
increased motion sickness
light-headedness
wooziness
difficulty walking
tremor
confusion
difficulty thinking, concentrating, or reading
forgetfulness
poor short-term memory
disorientation (getting lost, going to wrong place)
difficulty with speech
double or blurry vision
eye pain
blindness
increased floaters
increased sensitivity to light or sound
buzzing or ringing in ears
ear pain
decreased hearing
seizure activity
white matter lesions
low blood pressure
mood swings
violent outbursts
irritability
depression
disturbed sleep (too much, too little, early awakening)
personality changes
obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)
paranoia
panic/anxiety attacks
hallucinations
testicular pain/pelvic pain
menstrual irregularity
milk production (lactation)
sexual dysfunction or loss of libido

WHAT THE HELL? Eighty-five different symptoms?!? Are there any symptoms a human being can have that are not on this list?

Note that in any individual case you may or may not have a symptom, meaning that the absence of a symptom may itself seem like evidence of the presence of the disease. Who would not think he was sick? I thought I was just lazy and depressed, but it turns out that I've had Lyme for years! I thought I had arthritis of the knee because I'm elderly and fat, but it turns out my knee is loaded with Lyme! I thought I was crazy, but it's just the Lyme talking! This is no exaggeration.

Furthermore, look at this CDC picture of the little blacklegged bastard responsible for this menace, sitting on a blade of grass:

How are we suppose to keep that sucker at bay? In real life he's so small he's barely visible, but he can make you sick to the point of wanting to die. And you can stay sick for years. Very often people have no idea that they have been bitten by the little creep at all, which is another thing that makes diagnosis difficult. Even if you catch the little jerk, they may not be able to determine if he had Lyme, or -- and here's a fun thought -- co-infections, like Babesiosis, Bartonella, Rickettsia, or Ehrlichiosis, That's right! Not only can you have all those fun symptoms from Lyme, but also have other diseases as well, all from the same stupid tick.

It seems like a doomsday scenario, but of course Lyme is not generally fatal. It just makes you feel like death, or want to die, or like you're going crazy. Is there any exaggeration to this? I don't know; my main concern is that I had every single symptom for the disease because I was reading about it, even though I've had three negative tests for Lyme within the last year.

So I did what I often do when confronted with some awful problem about which I can do nothing: I wrote a poem.

"It's All Lyme Disease"

Ear pain, joint pain even if it don't rain
Eyes hurt, can't see, lousy short-term memory
Feel cold, feel hot, have some multicolored snot
Can't poop, face droop, coughing like you got croup
No matter how you're feeling bad
Lyme disease is what you had

Got a rash, red or brown, falling over like a clown
Feeling twice your real age, falling into red rage
Can't sleep, can't wake, get up and you start to shake
Now you're even balding, head looks like a Spalding
No matter if you're cold or hot
Lyme disease is what you got

Heart stop, heart block, ticking like a stop clock
Concentration wrecks, even over sex
Getting fat, getting thin, any shape that you are in
Any symptom that you please, it all means Lyme disease
No matter how you feel like crud
Lyme disease is in your blood