And that's the is it way.

NOW, THE NEWS

DATELINE: AUGUST 13, 2020

ALL THE PRINT WE NEWS THE FIT

(huh?)

WASHINGTON, DC -- Big Dipper Declared Racist

In a stunning announcement this morning following President Trump's speech outdoors in Virginia yesterday, the asterism known as the Big Dipper has been declared racist by the activist group People Endowed with Superior Tolerance (PEST).

"The president remarked last night how beautiful the Big Dipper was in the sky," said PEST leader Cheryl Snorch. "Aside for the obvious siziesm contained in the preference for the larger of the two Dippers, it is clear that the president intended this to be a dog whistle to his followers, who know how similar the path of the star cluster is to the infamous Nazi swastika."

President Trump, when asked about this at a press conference, said, "I don't care what anyone says, the Big Dipper, or Dipper of Large Proportions if you will, is the finest, the best constellation, really terrific, and everyone should go out and see it. It's just tremendous, believe me."

PEST has alerted its many followers that the Big Dipper should be disbanded and no longer recognized as a unified group.

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ALBANY, NY -- New York Hospitals Expand Definition of COVID-19 Deaths

Howard Zucker, MD, JD, Commissioner of Health for the State of New York, today announced that hospitals in the state would resolve the confusion about the number of deaths due to the novel COVID-19 virus by renaming all patient deaths as due to COVID-19.

"This seems the simplest way to resolve any disputes about the number of deaths due to the European COVID infection," said Dr. Zucker to reporters. "We feel that the infection rate of this unprecedented disease is so high that we might as well just assume everyone has it, and everyone died of it."

When asked whether that would include, for example, someone who perished in an automobile accident who just happened to test positive for the antibodies, Dr. Zucker said, "Of course. How are we to know that the effects of the virus did not in fact cause the accident? Better be safe and call that one a COVID death as well."

Dr. Zucker did, however, note that corpses were not going to be tested to see if they actually did have antibodies or other signs of infection. "Why put the great hospitals of this state to the expense?" he retorted. "It's not like the deceased can be treated at that stage."

In a closing statement, Dr. Zucker added that expanding the definition of COVID deaths to include everyone who actually dies is perfectly reasonable and has nothing to do with the false allegations of financial incentives to overcount coronavirus deaths, nor hospitals trying to get their hands on "those sweet, sweet Benjamins."

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WASHINGTON, DC -- Edible Camouflage Revealed

The Pentagon announced today the latest advance in military science for U.S. troops -- edible camouflage.

"Members of the infantry have to carry a hundred pounds or more in the field," according to the statement. "But now, by having camouflage made of delicious American-manufactured cheese, it will relieve them of much of the weight of comestibles. If they get hungry, they can eat some camo, and the load will be even lighter."

The statement mentioned that trials had been held using Colby and Monterey Jack for desert missions, blue cheese for water missions, and "moon" cheese (cheese that had gone off) for jungle work.

The Pentagon's statement concluded, "We are proud to know that we can take time from our usual missions, like transgender policy and white fragility, to make our soldiers, sailors, airmen, Marines, and whoever else we have out there safer, in whatever it is they're supposed to be doing."

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