Why can't a man be more like a woman?

I had an idea to do a modern update of Lerner and Loewe's My Fair Lady, the beloved musical based on grumpy ol' George Bernard Shaw's play Pygmalion.

In my modern version, manly and rugged fishmonger Eric Doolittle one day self-identifies as the dainty Eliza, upon which he (with full beard) stomps around London's West End in high heels and a bad wig. Etiquette expert Henry "Hank" Higgins makes fun of this Doolittle character's gruff voice and poor dressing skills. Shortly thereafter, Eric shows up at Higgins's office, demanding his help.

ERIC: I'm come to 'ave lessons, I 'ave, and pay for 'em too no mistake.

HANK: Well!!!! What shall we do with this baggage, Dickering?

ERIC: I want to be a lady in a flower shop 'stead of selling smelly fish in a rubber apron. But no one believes I'm a lady 'cause I ain't genteel-like. You said you could pass me off as a duchess, you did!

HANK: Oh, well, why didn't you say so? To the shaving mirror, my lad! We'll make a lady of you yet!

Following are various scenes of Hank teaching "Eliza" how to dress like a lady, including sashaying in high heels without looking like stilt-walking gorilla on training day; how to talk like a lady and not drop F-bombs all over the scenery; how to be genteel at tea and clever at conversation; all the sorts of thing Eliza wants to know.

Mind you, this is not a comedy. It's a deadly serious drama. What, are you crazy? This isn't Benny Hill or Milton Berle, you know! There's nothing funny about a burly man in a dress! NOTHING! Please don't burn down my theater!

The big twist comes in Act Two, where Eliza is exposed to society and finds out that these days all the wealthy toffs go swanning around in ripped-up jeans and trackies, like a glossy magazine image of working-class heroes, swearing like, well, fishmongers, acting like the oiks that they still despise. Crushed, Eliza returns to Higgins, who takes him in.

Now, I must confess that this story just seems to be sitting there for the grabbing, and for all I know it's the plot of every musical currently running on Broadway and the West End that is not based on the work of a Boomer band or a movie. I wouldn't know; I gave up on theater years ago. If not, and someone wants to pay me a million dollars for the rights, I would not put up a fight.

I think Shaw would like this idea, though. Like a lot of modern love stories, it has a ton of hate, and Shaw seemed to hate nearly everybody.