The Editliest Catch.

Mike Rowe: In the Reading Sea, men hunt for books. But the sea -- the sea has a price to be paid. 

Captain Fred: Books... We search for them, we draw them, we wrangle them, we haul them on board, and then we beat the ever-lovin' snot out of them. It's the only way in the Reading Sea.

Mike: Fred Key, captain of the Red Pencil, knows a few things about books.

Fred: People think we just throw out a line and come back with a boatload of words. Nothing could be further from the truth. Half the time they're too short, too long, too stupid -- we won't sell the stupid ones, not on this boat. All of them need editing. That's the real work. That's when the knives come out.

Mike: The dangers of the profession are nothing short of legend.

Fred: I've seen men with paper cuts down to the bone. Writer's cramp so bad -- turned them into pillbugs right there on deck. Bad backs from cheap office chairs. Overwritten tomes that had to be hauled up by hand. I've seen books so awful they make grown men cry for their mamas. Sometimes there's a misplaced modifier, and if you can't find it in time... that's 30 for you, brother. This is no job for pansies. Well, actually, yeah, there are a lot of pansies in the book business. But they're tough pansies.

Mike: It's a dirty job. And dangerous.

Fred: We once had this greenhorn, a kid named Terwilliger Thistlewaite, who got a little careless. A participle that was dangling from the winch smacked him in the head so hard he started speaking French. He's never been the same. Ol' Jane Magee, she lost her editing hand to a split infinitive. Hell, my pal Tom Btfsplk went down with his ship, the Ink-Stained Wretch, last year. Tried to take on the new Stephen King book, The weight of that monster capsized him. I ... I don't even like to talk about the old James A. Michener days. So many editors lost.

Mike: Many leave the job.

Fred: I've known editors who left the business to become emergency room nurses. Said it was more peaceful. Others went on to teach small children. Said that screaming children were easier to deal with than authors. I think one went on to drive a nitroglycerin truck. Lucky bastard.

Mike: Good thing that editing pays well.

Fred: Sorry, I was too busy laughing to address that statement. Say, Mike, haven't you written some books? Maybe we ought to have them on deck, give them a look?

Mike: Uh... as the Red Pencil sails off into the Reading Sea, we close this episode of... The Editliest Catch.