Porched earth policy.

So, to continue the saga from yesterday -- an all-day saga, if you will -- I had to paint the porch again because it looked like crap after one winter, and since I didn't paint it last year, it looked like crappity crap after two winters. I refused to paint white again, at least for the floorboards, and the Mrs. agreed. All colors can show dirt and wear, but nothing compares to white.

Picking a color took most of the spring, but that was okay since it was too rainy to paint then anyway. The question was, should the porch floor match the shutters and roof? Or would it be too matchy-matchy? Ultimately we decided to take a chance on matchy-matchy, because the house already has two bold and one mild color, and a fourth non-white color would make it start to look all crazy-quilt, which anyone can tell you is more risky than matchy-matchy.

The other big decision was to use a textured paint, which was new to me. Our porch is ridiculously slippery in the winter; I've fallen down the stairs at least once, and I live in fear of UPS men with attorneys delivering to us in the winter. This textured paint has some sand-like stuff in it gives you a little grip. If it prevents one concussion, one back injury, it's well worth the extra expense.

They used to call it sand paint. I remember my dad using it. It was very popular for ceilings in the fifties and sixties, and was still in many homes when I was a kid. Now they call them popcorn ceilings, but I first heard the term in this decade.

For kids, these ceilings ceased being popular as soon as we let go of our non-Mylar helium balloons, because that sucker was popping instantly. Sand paint did not feel like beach sand; it felt like broken glass. You wouldn't want it on your walls.

Anyway, I remember Dad using sand paint and it being quite difficult. What made it harder for him was the cleanup; Dad never used today's disposable brushes, paint rollers, or drop cloths. In fact, I am dead certain that he had the same drop cloths in use from before I was born until they sold the house after I graduated college.

So, yes, sand paint was difficult, and textured paint is not as bad (less sand), but still more difficult than regular paint, and I didn't prepare adequately.

We prepped the space all right; I even let my wife use the power washer and play Ghostbuster. Seriously, she probably saved me an hour. But the textured paint ate up all that time and more.

It's extremely thick, as you might imagine, and painting the trim around the deck was like icing a driveway with a rubber spatula. My one saving grace was that our porch is not that big.

To determine if I could afford this house, I'd have to factor in the money
to have flunkies on hand to paint the doggone porch.

Usually I can do the boards with a roller on a stick. The textured paint can warns you right on the lid to use a roller cover with a 1/2-inch nap. I thought I had one but I did not, so I thought -- this 3/8-inch cover is close enough, right? That's just an eighth of an inch off!

Har.

The roller got sunk in this goo and wouldn't move. Trying to roll it out was like try to butter new Wonder Bread with cold butter. I wound up doing most of the planks by hand, with which my back and legs took great issue by Sunday morning. I work in a chair most of the time; I have muscles that have been dormant since the Space Shuttle program ended. They registered their displeasure.

But despite that, on Sunday morning, I dragged my sorry behind to Home Depot and got the right roller covers, some more disposable brushes, and some more disposable roller pans. I was aiming to burn whatever I used after this job, because nothing would ever come clean.

And the job did get done, but for a touch-up on the white bits, which I'll do today. It came off looking pretty good. You don't get that nice, smooth finish with a textured paint, but I'll trade that for safety. From the street it looks great. Not too matchy-matchy.

The one thing I didn't mention in all this is that the dogs only leave the house by the porch. They both are scared of the cellar steps, and the back steps are very steep. I had to time the painting around their usual evacuation periods, because no way can I carry 100+ pound dogs down the other stairs. I should have started training them on those back stairs after the last debacle, when the porch got repaired. Anyway, no dogs exploded and my back is relatively intact.

And the porch looks good. Will it really be safer underfoot in the winter? Will it really still look good come spring? Watch this space in the months ahead for more kvetching, moaning, krexing, and general complaining to find out!