The fifth force.

Longtime readers of this space -- who have all earned their Get Out of Purgatory Free cards -- may recall that when I got married many years ago, I was aware that there was but one household job my new wife refused to ever do: Clean the bathroom. In fact, I promised on the altar to love, honor, and clean the toilet. We didn't write our own vows but the priest slipped it in. And I have been true to these vows.

But I think I may have made a breakthrough here.

I've often complained about the way hair likes to stick to porcelain, which makes cleaning the outside of the toilet that much more annoying. I've come to believe it is not just moisture, but actually the fifth natural force of the universe, following electromagnetism, gravity, the weak force, and the strong force. I call it the hair force.

Weaker than the weak force, weaker even than gravity, the hair force nonetheless is present, and is one of the things that binds the universe together. And I think we can work with it.

You see, while the hair force is very weak -- just look at my scalp if you don't think so -- there is so much hair around that we can still use it to generate energy. The strength of the natural pull of hair toward porcelain is only reliant on the quantity of hair, as I figure, not on the quantity of porcelain. So the amount of hair generated by a town full of humans and some very hairy dogs, like mine, when placed in opposition to a damp wall of porcelain, ought to generate enough pull to power a resistance generator adequate to electrify a city of perhaps 75,000 souls. Clearly this can be scaled up without much trouble. I haven't done the math yet -- it's taking me too long to balance my checkbook -- but I am certain that if I had a few graduate students to push around we could come up with the figures to prove I am right.

This would mean virtually free, environmentally clean fuel for the world, if it works. Now yes, that's a big if, but why take chances? Think of the children! All you need to do is have your town or city send me a largish grant, and my crack team, which I will find when your check clears, will start cranking out the paperwork that will lead to your hair-powered generator.

And Mr. Nobel, if you're listening, I think this is worth two of your prizes, one for physics and one for peace (having solved the world's energy needs). Just make out the check to Fred Key, c/o Fuzzy Logic Enterprises, and I will start composing my acceptance speech.