Damn, I hope the Chinese are wrong and our ancestors aren't always watching us. If that's the case, boy, when I go, am I going to get it.
Most of my relatives have gone to their reward, and I think they suffered enough in life without me describing them now. So I think that rather than pay for a report on my gnarled and twisted family tree--the saps, the buds, the nuts--I'll just throw together some ancestors of my own. This list original appeared in installments on the old, defunct blog, but you can have it today only as a complete set for the one low price of free! Plus $76.99 shipping and handling.
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Harald "The Blue" Kjey (955-1000): Nicknamed for his inability to tolerate cold weather, this notorious Norske Viking kept raiding farther and farther south until he raided Antarctica, then had to start raiding north again, finally settling on raiding Portugal. Joined a millennial cult in A.D. 999 and prepared for the end of the world the following year. The world did end—for him—in 1000 when he attempted to invent longboat water-skiing using a cyclone to generate adequate speed.
Han Ki Pan Ki (d. 1367): Founder of the Ki Dynasty, which lasted from Tuesday, June 16, 1367, to Friday, June 26, 1367. Contemporary reports say this was a period of tumult in Nanjing, and Ki popped up one day when no one was looking and declared himself emperor. When this was discovered ten days later, Ki was put to the sword and the dynasty came to a tragic end.
Staunton Forbush Key (d. 1621): Passenger on the Juneflower, the little-remembered sister ship of the Mayflower, which got breathtakingly lost and ran aground off the coast of Jakarta. Staunton was last seen trying to bail out the ship with his "Big-Afs Hat" as she went down.
William "Orangebeard" Key (1662-1710): Notorious pirate of the Spanish Main, Orangebeard was best known for claiming to have captured and sunk an aircraft carrier in 1703. Historians find this difficult to believe, since it's unlikely his small fleet of sloops and caravels could perform such a feat, and since the first aircraft carrier would not be built for another two hundred and fifteen years. Orangebeard was hanged by his own crew when, deranged by scruvy, they mistook him for a piñata.
Florencia Boyardee Kia (1471-1509): Illegitimate daughter of Philippe Muscatell, Florencia was part of the Valencian Muscatell family, a Renaissance family known for its wickedness, political machinations, and devotion to the art of poisoning enemies. People seldom came over for dinner. The Muscatells were not powerful, but they were plucky. They tried harder. Despite their failure to climb in the world, they still racked up an impressive body count, as well as forced annulments, severed body parts, and grouchy attitudes. Florencia was a particularly enthusiastic participant. She was known as the Praying Mantis, partly for her mock piety, partly for biting the heads off her lovers. She was known to go about dressed as a Ragazza Esploratore, selling poisoned Ragazza Esploratore cookies, just for the hell of it. Florencia died when a piano was dropped on her by her third husband, Tango Cashe, who had just barely survived a terrible case of lead poisoning--some unknown figure had replaced his potato chips with paint chips.
Sgt. Henry "Hack" Key (1875-1917): Hero of the First World War. Hack told people he got his nickname from his artistry with the bayonet; in fact, he was a terrible golfer. Hack was very popular in the trenches, having taught his body lice various circus tricks to pass the time. Hack became a legend when, under heavy artillery fire, he saw an opportunity to charge across No Man's Land with his small group and plunge into the enemy trench. Unfortunately he was deceived, and what he thought was an unguarded trench was actually an open sewer, left incomplete when the French sewer engineers went on strike against Pierre François de la Brioche in 1902. Hack and his men were swept out to sea in a wave of effluence, never to be seen again.
Qetxztklsxeklskeezixskwelkszzqkkrzzzkltmyxzptlkzq “Sid” Key (c. 1312-1376): Aztec (possibly Mayan) priest. Sid got around. He was a freelancer, specializing in cutting out the hearts of sacrificial victims. Sid carried a valise with his knives from place to place, and could often be seen sharpening them on his days off. Sid claimed to be able to whack out a heart so neatly and quickly that the victim could go about his business for a day and a half before keeling over. Sid was well respected down at the Sacrificers' Hall, and was a champion Scrabble player, too.
Creon Acidophilus Key (1860-1936): Robber baron who had the temerity to invent something people wanted--an effective laundry soap--and had the revolting audacity to make money selling it. Creon went to Wall Street, using his business acumen to make more money. He also made powerful friends, who used to all hang around together at the Powerful Friends Club, where they could smoke cigars and chortle. Creon's money survived various crashes and panics, including the 1929 crash; it could not survive Lili Svordehagen, the lovely blond singer known as the Swedish Woodpecker; they married in 1901 and Lili set to spending Creon's money as fast and hard as was humanly possible. Creon died in 1936, but his money held out until 1938.
Sir Charles Merriwether Keye (1520-1600): Bold and mighty soldier from Squibbley-on-Ribble, Charles is best remembered for having raised a crew of bold and mighty fighting men to go to France and fight the Hundred Years' War. Unfortunately for Charles, it had been over for a hundred years by that time. News did not travel swiftly in Squibbley. Still, he and his gang took in the sights and had a lovely time, sent postcards back home, and set up a shop called "Chuckie's," selling blood pudding and raspberry fool and such to English ex-pats in Nantes.
Al-Halamabra Eid Al-Key (1002?-1050? maybe?): Arabic scholar who became convinced that the genie of the story "Aladdin's Wonderful Lamp" was real, and secured commissions to go looking for it. Over time, as his expeditions continued to bear no fruit, he became more desperate and would bring in other things he had found, hoping to mollify his patrons so they would keep funding him ("Look! The mystic coconut!"). Was ultimately arrested in the Baghdad bazaar on charges of rubbing things in public without a permit.
Don Key Jotee (1511-1592): Small-time Spanish nobleman; distant cousin of Sir Charles Keye, and just as unwilling to look at the calendar. Said to be the inspiration for Cervantes's famous delusional knight, Jotee in his dotage came to believe it was the tenth century and he was an adventurous knight in the age of chivalry. He took to riding around Spain with his faithful sidekick Pancho Sanza, attacking goats and chickens and trying to rescue people who were not in need of rescuing. Jotee was killed in his 81st year when the windmill he was trying to joust caught his cape in its swirling blade and swept him from his llama, hurling him a hundred yards to a croquet green. Pancho filled in the hole and went to find another line of work.
Matilda Maria Barilla Rodriga Vanozza Espinoza y Varga y Sangria y Eee Key Jotee Jones (1539-1571): Beloved daughter of Don Key Jotee, whose sad demise at the age of 32 is said to have begin her father's long descent into lunacy. Riding with her retainers one day at a good gallop, she was too close to a steep cliff; they tried to call to her: "Look out for the cliff, Matilda Maria Barilla Rodriga Vanozza" but had barely gotten to the "Varga" when she went over the side.
Baron Kärll Freidriche vön Hämmerschlaw der Umlaut-Këy (1658–1723): Known to his countrymen as the Iron Baron (and to those outside his country as the Cranky Kraut), Baron Umlaut-Këy ruled his barony with an iron fist. No one knows whose fist it was, but the baron had it coated in iron and would whomp peasants with it if he felt they were not showing the proper feudal spirit. But the baron was not without his civilized side; he was a great proponent of universal literacy, as he wanted those "gottverlassenen Bauern" to be able to read his many orders. He spent large amounts of money making moveable-type printing presses available, but to his everlasting sorrow they kept losing the ë. Not to mention the ä, ö, and even the Ã…. Although not remembered fondly by his peasants, the Iron Baron did inspire a generation of heavy metal band names.
Infected Owl Kidney Ckey (1581–1644): A native of the Manhasset tribe, Infected Owl Kidney was adopted into the Ckey family by Dutch settlers trying to start the first shopping mall in the New World. Infected Owl Kidney was pleased to find a new home, having left the Manhassets in a huff--a "huff" being a small Manhasset conveyance drawn by a dozen trained raccoons. As Infected Owl Kidney told his new Dutch friends, "At least when your kids have an embarrassing incident they don't wind up with it as their name." Infected Owl Kidney never explained that, but did insist that the Dutch refer to him simply as "Dave." "Dave" helped the Dutch set up their shopping mall, but unfortunately the Manhassets wiped out the whole thing when they discovered there would be no
Arthur Treacher's Fish & Chips in the food court.
Shamus "Smilin' Shame" O'Key (1850–1886): The charmingest rogue in Killarney, Smilin' Shame O'Key was also a notorious confidence man. On at least seven occasions he sold St. Mary's Cathedral to gullible Protestants by saying, "Oooh, 'tis no secret 'round here that this town be turnin' Lut'eran any day noo." Other things "sold" by O'Key included several Trinity College buildings, the Blarney Stone, St. Patrick's crook, the skull of Brian Bóruma mac Cennétig, O'Neill's banner from the Battle of Farsetmore, the skin of "Old Slimey, Last Snake in Eire," Allihies' engine house, and the town of Cloughduv. In 1886 he attempted to sell a small skull of Brian Bóruma mac Cennétig to a traveler from Scotland, who told him, "Och, ye fiend, ye sold me that last year, 'n it was bigger'n that anyway!" To which Smilin' Shame replied, "Ah, well, ye see, this one is the skull of Brian Bóruma mac Cennétig when he was a lad." At which time the Scotsman, having heard that old joke before, promptly kilt him.
Barbara Hollinger (née Keystowycz) (1918–1962): Barbara Keystowycz changed her last name to Hollinger when she was nineteen and hitched a ride to Hollywood, chasing a celluloid dream. She intended to become a great star of the screen, of course, and to that end hung around every soda fountain in town waiting to be discovered. Much to her surprise, she remained solidly undiscovered. Barbara had been the best-looking gal in Busted Pump, Oklahoma, which is like being the tallest of Snow White's dwarfs. She had the face of a horse, frankly, and some other equine parts as well. Fortunately, it turned out she had a real talent for working soda fountains, and made a good living dispensing soft drinks to undiscriminating G.I.s on their way out to or back from the Pacific Theater. At least that's what they were told in Busted Pump, and if it's good enough for them, it's good enough for you. After the war she became a traveling saleslady for a plastic novelties corporation. Sadly, Barbara came to an early end while driving east along Route 66 in her Impala. The coroner's ruling was "Death from overdose of kicks."
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