“Yes, that’s right, Hercules. Please, have a seat.”
“Thank you. Say, if this is about that thing at the Saturnalia party, it's kind of a he-said they-said---”
“No, not about that. Now, I am told that you filed a petition based on this matter of—oh, my, tch-tch-tch.”
“Yes, ma’am, I know it looks bad.”
“‘Killed family again.’ I hardly think ‘looks bad’ sums this up, Hercules.”
“Yes, I know, but gosh darn it, Ms. Hera was really to blame, ma’am. I mean, I know I'm making a serious charge, and I know that when you point a finger you point three back at yourself and all, but she did it before. The craziness. You know.”
“Yes, that’s right. All here in your file. Mr. Apollo noted that you were a special case.”
“Yes, ma’am. Special Herc, that’s me.”
“I suppose that has something to do with your father being the head of the company…”
“Oh, no, no, not at all, ma’am. You know I’ve earned those Employee of the Century awards. No favors for me, no ma’am.”
“Yes, well… Seems like the last time this happened you had to do a great deal of community service.”
 |
| From the file. |
“That was what the judge came up with, Ms. Oracle, and if I may say, I did a pretty sweet job with it all around.”
“Mmm-hmm. Mr. Zeus was never that thrilled with you killing his eagle.”
“Yes, well—I mean to say—look, I had to get Prometheus’s help and all. And then there was the Atlas situation. I think I did all right.”
“The stable thing was a neat job, though. In fact, our janitorial crew used the river idea after last year’s Saturnalia.”
“I know. My office still smells like mildew.”
“Let’s cut to the chase, shall we? If you want to stay on with the company, Hercules, you’re going to have to do another dozen tasks. Capiche?”
“On it. What’s the drill this time? Giant lions or bulls? Hydra? Get some more swag from Hippolyte?”
“Get with the times. That old-school stuff isn’t going to cut it now.”
“Oh.”
“We had Mr. Apollo draw up a list for you, and I think you’ll find this reflective of our modern, forward-looking company, and yet truly challenging for a hero of your mettle.”
“Okay, my mettle, sure. Well, you know what I say: The challenging I can do at once; the impossible may take a little longer. Heh heh.”
“First, there’s a Superfund site in California that needs cleaning up.”
“Hey, no problem. I’ll—”
“If you divert a river at it you will contaminate a much larger area. You’ll have to come up with something else.”
“Hmm.”
“Next, we want you to go to Marvel Comics and get some of the vast fortune they made off that Jack Kirby version of you and give it to his family.”
“Oh, I was never that important in the Defenders—”
“Third, you are to become a movie star…”
“With these muscles? Easy.”
“…and win an Academy Award.”
“Ah. Tricky.”
“Fourth, we want you to solve the U.S. debt crisis.”
“You want me to what?”
“Tens of trillions of dollars owed and no one in the country has the guts to do anything about it. You find a way to pay it all back and put the country on a firm footing.”
“Oh, sure. Easy peasy lemonade squeezy. What’s next, peace between Israel and the Muslims?”
“No, silly. That’s number eleven.”
“What!?”
“Fifth—”
“Hold on, there, this is just getting silly. Come on, can’t I just go open a can of whupass on Poseidon or someone?”
“Fifth, you must write a novel and get it published, becoming a national best-seller.”
“Now, come on! What is that for? The last time my labors had some good purpose for others.”
“This is to teach you humility. Nothing gets humiliated faster or more thoroughly than a new author. We call it the Fred Key Method.”
“I’m not much of a—”
“Sixth, a lot of American bridges are falling into disrepair because municipalities have spent all their money buying friends and votes and none painting the bridges. You paint them.”
“All of them? There must be millions!”
“Only six hundred thousand or so. Now for number seven. Oh, this is a doozy.”
“Look, I know I’m Zeus’s kid and all, but even I can’t do all this! I mean, okay, the bridge thing, sure, but the novel? Forget it!”
“Hercules, sit down! If you wish to remain with this organization, these are the terms.”
“Hey, let’s not forget that I’m the victim here! My family is dead!”
“You killed them!”
“I was just the gun, Ms. Oracle. Just the gun. Ms. Hera pulled the trigger. She fired me.”
“Yeah, well, she’s not the only one. Unless you’re going to do the quest?”
“No. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to update my résumé. Maybe the gang at Asgard are hiring.”
No comments:
Post a Comment