Briefing the dogs.

Me: All right, men -- that is, dogs -- before we go out on this morning's mission we need to get a few things straight. I have received orders from upstairs and I want to impart them to you before we begin. Yes, corporal?

Tralfaz: Sir cud we pleaz go pee now i gotta go

Me: At ease, corporal. We'll be out that door in a jiffy. Now, men, it has come to our attention that the camp has been invaded by a number of ticks over the last few weeks. This, it should be clear, is not acceptable. As you go about your duty, be watchful for these invaders. If you see a tick, do not engage. Repeat: Do not engage. Report the position of the tick and any distinguishing characteristics to your CO. Yes, private?

Nipper: wassit look lik

Me: The tick is a small arachnid ranging in size from a pencil eraser to a pencil point. The smaller ones are more likely to carry disease, but all of these are disgusting.

Nipper: wassa pencil

Me: This is a pencil. [removes and displays pencil from pocket]

Nipper: ken i chew it

Me: No. Now, on the matter of your duty, or in this case, doody, specifically regarding deer. If you see anything looking like brown M&M's or Raisinettes in the field, do not eat them. These are not food. In fact, even if they were brown M&M's or Raisinettes you shall not eat them as they would not be food for you. Either way you could end up quite ill. Consume nothing that is in the field. You know the rule...

Nipper: no frelanss snakking

Me: Correct. Yes, corporal?

Tralfaz: ok tanks for the info cud we go pleaz now still gotta pee

Me: Just hold on, now, corporal. We still have some points to address. It's also come to the attention of our commanding officer --

Nipper and Tralfaz: momy

Me: Yes, your mommy -- that you're rolling around in the dirt on rainy days.

Nipper and Tralfaz: yay

Me: No, "yay" is an inappropriate response. She and I understand that you will by necessity get damp, even dirty, but insists that you take steps to keep it to a minimum, and behave with decorum when getting dried off. No funny business with the towel. Looking at you, private.

Nipper: nutz

Me: Furthermore, there will be no barking or charging of the following: school buses, schoolchildren, joggers, old people walking, garbage men, garbage cans, mail carriers, UPS guys, or FedEx couriers.

Tralfaz: Fedex guy is up to sumthin

Me: Your mommy told me he gave you a treat the first time he met you. You worked yourself into a frenzy when he delivered a package next door yesterday.

Tralfaz: Hes up to sumthin

Me: Like what?

Tralfaz: he din com over to gimme a treat yesterday

Me: We weren't getting the package.

Tralfaz: he coulda come sed hi

Me: All right, that's enough. Standing orders remain as follows: No fighting, no attacking skunks or wasps, no fraternizing with deer or turtles. Do you understand?

Nipper and Tralfaz: yah

Me: All right, soldiers, let's go outside and pee.

Nipper and Tralfaz: too late

courtesy U.S. War Dogs Association