Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Giddyup, Gallup.

[Yes, it's another rerun from the old, defunct blog - How could I let this genius go to waste? Plus I was tied up earning filthy lucre yesterday.]

Got a call from Gallup, wanting my opinion on pressing issues of the day. Well, I'm not real shy about sharing my thoughts--thus the blog--but like most people I don't want to spend a lot of time on the phone talking to strangers. (Makes me wonder if the polls are weighted in favor of lonely, bored, or otherwise unoccupied people, and if so what that means for public opinion polling in general. Is the direction of the country being dictated by people who just don't have anything better to do? And if so, is that a bad thing?)

The thing is, the Gallup people and other pollsters like to ask all sorts of questions from the various people who hire them, so you wind up feeling like you're having a very broad-ranging conversation with an ADD-addled crazy person who is nonetheless very interested in what you think.

  • Do you consider yourself a Democrat, Republican, or Independent?
  • On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being most likely and 1 being least likely, how likely are you to vote in the election this November?
  • Did you watch any network television shows in the last 48 hours, yes or no?
  • Do you like cheese, yes or no?
  • What is your zip code?
  • Do you only use a cell phone, a landline, or do you use both?
  • How many children under the age of 18 live in your home?
  • Have you flossed your teeth in the last week?
  • For the purposes of survey data only, do you consider yourself straight or gay?
  • How about Cheddar, do you like that? Yes or no?
  • On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being very much and 1 being not at all, how do you rate hula hoops?
  • If a rubber plant falls in the forest does it bounce back, yes or no?
  • Does your dentist know you don't floss enough, yes or no?
  • Do you think there might be life on Pluto, yes or no?
  • Is Velveeta really cheese, yes or no?
  • Have you been to the dentist in the last six months, yes or no? Did he get on your case, yes or no?
  • Do you just not like cheese that smells like feet, yes or no?
  • Do you think the Plutonians are upset about being downgraded from a planet to a dwarf planet, yes or no?
  • On a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being I Have No Pulse and 10 being Hochimama!, how do you rate Sofia Vergara?
  • Do you consider yourself an undecided voter, yes or no? Need more time?
  • Do you think the dwarfs are upset about Pluto being downgraded from a planet to a dwarf planet, yes or no?
  • How many teeth not counting deciduous teeth have you lost due to your poor dental hygiene? Please note that the number must be between 0 and 32.
  • How many non-imaginary friends do you claim to have?
  • As a typical American, would you describe yourself as fat, pretty fat, kinda fat, fat, husky, chubby, lardy, big-boned, fatty fat fat, obese, blobular, or gigundo?
  • Would you say that, to your well being, cheese is not very important, important, very important, crucial, or more vital than life itself?
  • Do you vote in off-year and school board elections? Really?
  • How many rings does Saturn have? Answer me that, wise guy!
  • Do you believe that cheese is a high-protein food useful in weight loss, yes or no?
  • How many of your friends would agree that they are really your friends, bearing in mind that honesty with yourself is the first step toward successful living?
  • Is your opinion of the American Cheese Bureau fair, good, very good, or excellent?
  • Do you own or have you ever owned a hula hoop?
  • How many unused bicycles are in your basement or garage? Don't lie to me, sir!

Of course, I also considered that here I am, talking to some nice young fellow, and he could be recording every second answer with his own preferences. Sure, they say it's monitored for accuracy, but who is going to compare thousands of phone conversations to the answers?

If that's the case, I hope he likes cheese.

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