Blarg Wars.

You probably wouldn't guess that I bought this at Walmart because of my interest in the overreach of the regulatory state, child safety, and international commerce, but I did.

Indeed, a chocolate egg with a toy inside was precisely the issue addressed on several occasions by Mark Steyn, who was unable to bring Kinder Surprise eggs to America over the Canadian border because of the menace posed by having the toy inside the egg. The United States government, or rather the agency to which they have ceded sovereignty (as in so many things), was afraid that a child would bite into the Kinder egg and choke on the toy. This puzzled me, as the package already explains what the Kinder Surprise is, and that the toy is not appropriate for children young enough to do such a thing, but that's the way it goes.

I don't think this Star Wars Milk Chocolate & Surprise had any connection to the Kinder people, but I gathered it would be subject to the same rules. So, I wondered, since it obviously had a toy and a chocolate egg, would the toy be inside the egg, signally a reversal of policy and freedom for the Kinder Surprise? Let's find out!

Nope.

The toy comes next to the egg, which I guess is okay, but there seems to be some disconnect in the whole purpose of even having a hollow chocolate egg with a toy. But all right, it's clear that U.S. policy toward choking hazards in chocolate is unchanged. Let those kids in Canada choke all they want; we defend our own!

So let's have a look at this thing.

Okay! We've got... I don't actually know who that legless chap is. Someone with a bendy stick. I thought it was supposed to be Kylo Ren; is it? Scrawny fellow with compensation issues? Maybe.

All right, let's just eat the chocolate and call it a day.

You will not believe this. I could not believe it myself. The chocolate that came with this egg was the most vile, inedible excuse for chocolate I have ever tasted. I've had lousy holiday-themed chocolate, crummy third-world Santas, cheap hollow bunnies, crappy gelt coins, all of it, and of even the worst of it I could say, well, you put a little PB on it and you have a passable Reese's. Not this. This was horrible. For the first time in my life life I threw away chocolate, people. I am 100% serious about this. First time ever. It was ghastly.

I'm not the only one who thinks so. Reviewers on Amazon hated this chocolate. "After one small bite I had to throw the rest away." "Imagine soaking your chocolate egg in gasoline."

It seems to have come from a galaxy far, far away where they comply with U.S. rules but have never tasted chocolate. It could not have come from Kinder or Kinder's parent company Ferrero SpA, which makes some excellent chocolate candy.

Well, the box did promise a surprise, and I guess I have to concede they were right. First chocolate in my life I could not eat. Wow.