Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Shove that turkey!

I think it was Emeril Lagasse on Food Network that first introduced me to the concept of the Turducken, the bizarre Frankenpoultry combo of a chicken shoved into a duck shoved into a turkey. In the years since they've become something of a sensation, like the deep-fried turkey. It's a symbol of grotesque cuisine and American overconsumption, I suppose, but if you had a huge crowd to serve I guess the turducken would get it done.

I've never had one and would not care to make one. All I know about it is that it's a good thing the duck is larger than the chicken, or it would be the turchickduck, which is even worse---even though you can't spell turducken without turd.

But forget all that. Distractify, from which the picture below comes, told us last year that the turducken was old hat. Last year the big thing was the piecaken, the unholy love child of pie and cake.


I don't think the piecaken has the staying power of the turducken, however, and I think that 2016 needs a new thing-crammed-into-another-thing dish. So I've been giving this some thought.

"NOOOO!" you say. "I have my menu planned and my food purchased and I am NOT going to the store again before Thanksgiving!"

Relax! My suggestions will be things you can make with just the stuff you've already bought, for the most part. You might have to get a pigeon for the first one, but a butterfly net and some peanuts will take care of that.

Ostritemuturgooduckencorngeon: A boneless pigeon stuffed in a boneless Cornish game hen stuffed in a boneless chicken stuffed in a boneless duck stuffed in a boneless goose stuffed in a boneless turkey stuffed in a boneless emu stuffed in a boneless ostrich. Feeds 1 small U.S. Army battalion or 15 teenage boys.

Russesweetmash: Mashed potatoes stuffed in a sweet potato stuffed in a baked russet potato. Gravy optional.

Lasaturhamage: Sausage stuffed in a ham stuffed in a turkey covered in lasagna.

Candicassercorn: Creamed corn concealed in green bean casserole concealed in candied yams.

Salafruroll: Dinner rolls stuffed with fruit salad.

Stuffacranastuff: Stuffing stuffed in cranberries stuffed in stuffing.

Cranastuffacran: Cranberries crammed in stuffing crammed in cranberries.

Pumpkappacreamacram: Pumpkin pie and apple pie balled up in a wad of vanilla ice cream. Whipped cream optional.

Omnistuff: Pie of your choice stuffed in a roll, stuffed in a potato, stuffed in a hollowed cob of corn, stuffed in stuffing, stuffed in a turkey, covered in lettuce, smothered in creamed onions. A complete dinner in one dish.

Directions: Stuff everything into everything in the order directed. Serve to astonished guests. Prepare to relax and enjoy Thanksgiving at someone else's house next year.
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