Friday, May 15, 2015

Fred vs. reality.

Reality TV took a blow this week with news that American Idol is on its way out.

Because I never got into that show or Survivor, I could say I never was into reality TV, but that's a lie. If you are watching a pack of tattooed idiots with a lot of compensation issues cooking competitively on television, rest assured that Fred is watching it too. 

But personally, I'm not reality show material, as we've examined before. I have enough trouble dealing with reality.

However, what I've learned watching reality TV competitions is the self-puffery that helps contestants get through the various rounds. So I'm going to start talking that way to anyone who will listen. I may have some compensation issues myself.

"I'm here to win. I'm going to win it all. I'm bringing my A game. I didn't come here to lose. One person can win---and that's me. I'm going all the way. Only one thing can stop me from winning, and that's losing.

"They won't even see me coming. I'm taking them down. No one can stop me. I'm a force to be reckoned with.

"No one gave me anything. I had to earn everything. No one believed in me. My mother didn't believe in me. My father called me names, like burua ergelak. I don't even know what that is.

"It was tough, growing up Basque in my neighborhood. The other kids always picked on me. As if I was ass-Basquewards. But I showed them. I'm here in reality. And where are they? Somewhere else in reality. That's right.

"I'm unstoppable. I'm coming at ya. I won't be eliminated. I won't be voted off the island. I won't be sent home. Unless it's bedtime. Then I'm going home. Because I want to go to bed. At bedtime.

"The others will be busy with their own problems, then look up and see me winning. While they're losing. That's right. I'm a winner. They're the losers. They'll be chopped. I'll be the last man standing. They won't be the last man standing. Because some of them are women. Maybe there'll be a last woman standing, but I'll still be standing. And then I'll take her down. And be the last person standing."

It suddenly occurs to me that talking like a reality show contestant could get you arrested. Maybe I ought to stick to skulking, pouting, and blogging.

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