To: Captain James T. Kirk, Starship Enterprise
From: Lt. Allison Sneeburn, Federation Logistic and Compliance Officer
Re: Health and Rations
Contrary to your previous starmail, oh, yes, there is great cause for concern about the issue raised, and your so-called explanations of the rapid consumption of mess supplies have hardly been satisfactory. “Probably Tribbles” is clearly flippant, for one thing, as we know that no ship can have just “two or three of the little bastards” for long. Clearly something has caused unusually high ration consumption from your account, and Tribbles are not it.
Let’s look over some of your other “explanations,” shall we?
1. I might find it plausible that you had to eat double the normal amount of food for a period of time as you were split in two by a transporter accident on 1672.1, if I could find it plausible that you were split in two. Besides, if that happened, wouldn’t each of you have half the mass of the original, and need just half the rations?
2. An android duplicate of you ate a ton to prove he was human on 2712.4, did he? But no one saw him do it? A bit contradictory, no?
3. A duplicate of you from an evil dimension turned out to have “the appetite of a Janus VI miner.” Really. And there was a whole duplicate of the ship and everyone on it too. I wonder if that Captain Kirk takes requests from Federation seriously?
4. A guy called Sargon took over your body on 4768.3 and “ate everything in sight.” That having been "without a body for like a zillion years, he’d probably worked up an appetite.” I see.
5. You were “accelerated” by the Scalosians on 5710.5, moving faster than the eye could see, so you would up having 32 meals in 24 hours. I hope you worked all those calories off, moving so fast.
6. Garth of Izar impersonated you on 5718.3 and raided your food account. This one seems plausible, as the actions of Garth at that time are well documented. Still, going by the records, he must have been extremely hungry, and enjoys the same kind of Denevan knockwurst as you.
7. And then we have Dr. Janice Lester taking over your body with her own personality in 5928.5. My, everyone seems to want to be you, don’t they? “She turned out to having a big-time eating disorder” is interesting, but there's no evidence that she has said disorder when in her own body, and your Lt. Sulu let it slip that this idea probably came from The Man with Two Brains, one of your favorite 20th-century films.
Let’s be frank, Captain; it is on record as far back as 1512.2 that your ship’s doctor had put you on a salad regimen to get you to lose weight. I agree that the new blouse is unflattering to most starship captains, but word is you have been filling it out pretty thoroughly.
And the stories you send back to the Federation are---well, I don’t want to use the word “fabulistic,” but in a short period of time you claim to have traveled through dimensions, almost altered the twentieth century and the subsequent time stream three times, met ridiculous numbers of alien beings with preposterous powers (including highly advanced intelligence, whom you nevertheless always outsmarted), met Nazis and Romans and Chicago mobsters and Abraham Lincoln (!) and Zefram Cochrane (!!) and Apollo? I would like to remind you that in his 37 years of service as captain of various starships, the most exciting thing that ever happened to Commodore Ty Sanchez was when he found the Walking Viruses of Canton XI, and following the Prime Directive just tagged the planet for observation. You’ve been a busy boy, eh, captain?
Finally, with all due respect, I reject the charge that this is “harassment” or “nitpicking,” and your further charge that “Bones put you up to this, right?” is baseless. In my position I act in concert with the ancient health laws known as the M. Obama Initiative and with concern for cost overruns for food supplies. And no, I will not send you a “more casually dressed” picture of myself. In the Federation offices, as you well know, women prefer to wear trousers, unlike on your ridiculous ship. Just cut back on the gravy and muffins and we’ll check back with you in six months.