Wednesday, April 8, 2015

People who like sausages and enjoy blog posts should never watch either being made.

Now I'm going to get a whole town mad at me. But I don't care. Sometimes you have to nail your colors to the mast.

Johnsonville, your sausage mathematics do not add up.

Just look at this thing:

Five sausages in a package? Who puts five sausages in a package?

For years there was a running and stupid gag: why did hot dogs came eight to a pack and buns came 10 to a pack? I say stupid because I've only ever seen one pack of buns that had 10 rather than eight. But that's beside the point at the moment. What comes in five?

Supposedly the average American household contains 2.54 people now. Were you thinking that this package would be enough for two meals, Johnsonville? With the .54 person eating .5 of a sausage per meal? It doesn't work that way, Johnsonville. There's no such thing as .5 of a person. You're old enough to know that. Don't be so silly, Johnsonville.

Well, perhaps you thought that .54 person meant little Timmy, who is too young to eat a whole Italian sausage, or Grampa Jim, whose teeth are mostly gone and who only ever gets through half a sausage because it's so much work. You can't count on these things, Johnsonville. Timmy could be a teenager with a ravenous appetite, and Grampa could be a spry old chap skiing double black diamond trails, teeth be damned. Now where are you, eh, Johnsonville? Didn't see that coming, I'll wager!

Six sausages is the way to go, Johnsonville, even if each is smaller than these. A family of two gets three each. A family of three gets two each. A family of four gets one and half each, or one each with two left over for spaghetti sauce. A family of five would be pleased with your current arrangement, true, but that would not be the most common household.

Johnsonville, your sausage is delicious, but you need to reassess your demographics here. Summer is coming and people want sausage. Don't make me warn you again.

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