Sunday, April 26, 2015

Everybody was Kung Clu fightin'.

This cat is fast as lightnin'. 

Fred's hands are lethal weapons. Oh, yes. 

They're not, like, registered or something. No one's hands are registered as weapons. Not even in New York, where everything is considered something that ought to be regulated. Not even in Georgia---although they may start having to register breasts

What was I saying? Oh, yes---I was telling you about my lethal hands. Martial arts, you know. Well, actually, it's not an unarmed martial art, like karate or boxing. This is actually an armed martial art, like kendo. We call it Kung Clu.


We use these weapons. To deadly effect.
There are six weapons (the candlestick, the lead pipe, the rope, the knife, the wrench, and the revolver) usually associated with the mastery of Kung Clu, although two others (the horseshoe and the poison bottle) are sometimes seen in variations. We masters of Kung Clu are unmatched in the martial use of candlesticks and lead pipes and wrenches, let alone ropes, knives, and handguns.

I go about speaking to groups---sometimes on purpose---to encourage youngsters interested in the martial arts to consider Kung Clu, although it is challenging, and very few who take up the sport get beyond the Mustard Belt. Here are some of the questions I frequently get asked. We refer to these as Frequently Asked Questions.

Q: Isn't that an odd variety of blunt objects? Why the candlestick, monkey wrench, and pipe? Why not a billy club, or a bo stick, or something cool like that? 

A: Silly boy. Kung Clu evolved out of self-defense using common household objects, the kind of things that could be carried about without arousing suspicion. Over time certain ones fell under greater focus as weapons, and now are regarded as traditional. It doesn't mean I couldn't use my skills with, say, a tire iron or an ax handle.

Q: What's the big deal about a martial art with guns? You point, you shoot.

A: Foolish, foolish child! A master of Kung Clu may kill his foe by shooting him, but when the evil foe is found, it will be impossible to determine how he died. I've seen multiple detectives unable to figure out whether a shot man was strangled with a rope, stabbed, or bonked on the head. They didn't even know where the foe was killed. Such are the mysteries of Kung Clu.

Q: Is it just for boys?

A: Heck, no! One of our most famous practitioners, known as Miss Scarlet (not her real name), is a female-type woman. You wouldn't want to cross her in the Library, let's just say that.

Q: Are there other, similar martial arts?

A: Yes, there are. There's Monop Olix, which trains its adherents to fight using objects such as a top hat, iron, thimble, dog, or hotel. Life Arts just uses cars to run people over. These martial arts are crap.

Q: Have there been studies of the culture and history of Kung Clu?

A: Absolutely. I recommend Death Be Not Fun by Dr. B. Black, Trapped in the Billiard Room by Prof. Edgar Plum, and Beat Your Opponents to Death with Hard Objects by the Rev. Thallo Jacob Green.

Q: Are there any other skills taught in Kung Clu?

A: The detection of secret passages is one of our most popular auxiliary skills. You'd be amazed how much time you can save by finding a secret passage to the can, for one thing. Others include deduction and inference, and proper identifications of colors.

Q: Those weapons all look pretty dangerous. Does Kung Clu teach us how to peacefully subdue an opponent?

A: Foolish boy! Grow up! It's dangerous out there. What, you think this is some kind of game?

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