Tuesday, October 28, 2014

“Black Widow” Confesses to Serial Killing.

Elizabeth Noone, 53, of Bow Road, Cheapside, was arrested this morning and charged with the murder of seven men, all of whom had been married to her. Her current husband, Henry Noone, still lives, currently under police protection.

Police Superintendent Antony Murst issued a statement shortly after the arrest: “The suspect, Mrs. Noone, 'oo's full name is Elizabeth Ann Regall Leckenby Murray Bim Weston O’Toole Murgatroyd Pung Noone, is charged wif 'aving 'anged, poisoned, stabbed, shot, pushed off a railway platform, smothered, and bludgeoned 'er seven previous 'usbands to death, and attempting to gas 'er current 'usband, Mr. 'enery Noone.”
The case has excited all of London not only because of the viciousness of the crimes and the deviousness of the killer, but also because of the bizarre link that each of the murderess’s husbands, including the current one, shared the same first name.
Ev’ry one was a 'enery,” said Superintendent Murst. “Wouldn’t 'ave a Willie or a Sam.”
The suspect, Elizabeth Ann Regall Leckenby Murray Bim Weston O’Toole Murgatroyd Pung Noone,
shown with officers, would have neither Willies nor Sams.
Mr. Noone, speaking by telephone with police permission, confirmed that his wife made an attempt on his life.
“She says ‘I fink somefing’s wrong wif th’ oven, an’ would I 'ave a peek inside,” Mr. Noone told reporters. “Soon as I’m in she turns on th’ gas and rams me 'indquarters in firm. She’s a strong woman, is my wife, stronger'n she looks, an’ I was lucky to escape. I runs to the coppers and when they investigate they find out 'er previous 'enerys 'ave all hexpired under other mysterious circumstances.”
According to reports, Mrs. Noone has maintained her innocence, but has yet to attempt to explain how all seven of her deceased husbands happened to come to violent and premature ends, as exhumation has confirmed.
The London coroner's office has come under fire for failing to realize the connections during the killer’s spree, signing reports with causes of death listed variously such as “accidental poisoning,” “suicide by hanging,” “accidental stabbing in the back seven times,” “accidental smothering with big embroidered pillow,” and “forgot to check body; got planted; too late now.”
As for the remarkable coincidence of all her victims being named Henry, Harley Street brain specialist Dr. William Thropwicke Jerkins suspects there is no coincidence at all.
“Mrs. Noone’s late father was named Henry,” he told reporters, citing police reports. “Obviously she wanted to kill someone, and I would hazard a guess that she wasn’t too fond of the old man, so she married and murdered surrogates. If I were this Murst chap I would dig her father up, too.”
“Glad I’m not named Henry, by the way,” he added.
Mr. Henry Noone was asked by reporters why he never thought something was odd about his wife having seven dead husbands and all of them named Henry, he said, “I dunno. She called it 'The Importance of Bein' 'Enery.' As for all of 'em dyin', I guess I just thought she was unlucky. Somethin’ to think about, though, ain’t it?”

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