Blood-sucking freaks.

I saw a story about an astrologer recommending Halloween costumes based on Zodiacal signs. I was disappointed to hear that I should be going as a vampire. 

I hate vampires. I liked the original Dracula novel by Bram Stoker, because I found it to be thrilling and chilling, but I didn't find Drak or his undead brides to be anything but repulsive and terrifying. As they were meant to be. 

Maybe it's me, but I've never bought the Sexy Vampire stuff. It's blamed on Lord Byron, but I wouldn't know; with apologies to my former English professors, I could never stand Byron. Maybe that's not a coincidence. 

Here are some reasons not to buy into the pro-vampire lobby's nonsense. I may have covered this ground before, but it bears repeating:

1) They're dead.

Undead means dead but moving around. We're talking about animated corpses here, really just well-dressed zombies. And the clothes only come if there's a title involved, like "count" or "baron." The rest are probably just slobs.

2) They're soulless. 

As animated corpses, the bodies may be moving but the soul is gone. So things we associate with the soul, like depth of feeling, ability to love, spiritual connection, and appreciation of James Brown are impossible for the vampire. 

3) They cheat.

Don't be swayed by the Eastern European countenance; they have no honor. They'll hypnotize you if you give them a chance. If you start beating them in a fair fight, they'll turn into a bat and fly off. You need a soul to have ethics and a healthy rule of honor.

4) They're limited in what they can do.

That sunlight thing is a bummer. They'd need SPF 1 billion to counter it. Women who like hikes in the forest and long walks on the beach would be better off with a werewolf. Add also the aversion to crosses, the allergy to holy water, the weakness to silver, the mirror thing -- when the vampire is asking how he looks, he really has no idea. 

5) But they still can whup your ass at will.

They're really strong and cunning, and they are great at psychological warfare. And, as noted above, if you get the upper hand, they'll just run away and sneak-attack later.

6) They don't love you; they see you as cattle.

You think they're all into you, but they only love you for your blood. When they say you're their type, they mean O neg.

7) There's something weird about the dentistry.

With a human shaped mouth, to get the canines to make two neat puncture wounds of the jugular, it seems to me that either the upper jaw must protrude like an orthodontist's freak show or the lower jaw must retract, making this demon lover look like Beaky Buzzard. 

8) They probably stink and decay.

Dead, remember? There's not enough Orbit and Axe to cover up death.

I hope that puts paid at last to the sexy vampire thing, because really there's nothing sexy about th--

Uh... We may need to examine this new evidence, reassess these data...

Pig.

I got my first giveaway 2019 calendar. 

Usually I get them from church, calendars with Renaissance paintings depicting scenes from the New Testament, calendars that list the secular holidays along with religious holy days and all the major saints' feast days. That one goes by the kitchen for quick reference. 

But the church calendar sponsor, a local funeral home (Your days are swifter than a weaver's shuttle! Make arrangements now!), hasn't delivered them yet. Instead, the first free 2019 calendar I got was from our local Chinese restaurant. 

Yes, 2019 -- or the part of it following Chinese New Year on February 5 -- is the Year of the Pig in the Chinese zodiac. The colorful calendar's pigs are pretty cute. They look like happy, fat little piggy banks without the slot on top.

According to the Chinese zodiac, as reported by Travel China Guide, "People with Chinese zodiac Pig sign are considerate, responsible, independent and optimistic. They always show generousness and mercy to endure other people's mistakes, which help them gain harmonious interpersonal relationships. However, sometimes they will behave lazy and lack actions. In addition, pure hearts would let them be cheated easily in daily life."

There are further sub-readings based on the month within the year; for example, a Pig Year person born in January can have lots of luck and bring others wealth, but the outlook is less assured for those Pigs born in June: "People born in June in year of the Pig are very clever. If they work hard, they can succeed in either official circle, business field or art area. If they only want to play around and do not have a goal to achieve, their career will not succeed."

I'm glad that there are differences from month to month, though. I was thinking about teachers in China, if they had to face a new class and knew what to expect by the year these kids were born in:

"Oh, good, we have some Sheep kids coming in this year. Tender, polite, filial, clever, and kindhearted."

"That's a relief. You remember the year we had all those Snakes? Cunning, sly, always hiding in the shadows."

"Boy, do I. I would call roll and half of them would be under their desks!"

The Western zodiac doesn't change much from year to year, just month to month, although risings and houses and other things I could never follow account for individual changes.

Of course, as a Catholic, I'm not supposed to put any credence in this stuff anyway. As Pope Francis says, "When we do not cling to the Word of the Lord, but consult horoscopes and fortune tellers, we begin to sink." We do not want to sink.

There's always a confirmation bias at work with zodiacal thinking -- if someone was born in May and is bullheaded, he's a typical Taurus and evidence of astrological truth; if another person born on the same day in the same town is weak-willed and wishy-washy, it's probably a sign of Ascendant Pisces and thus proof of astrological truth. In other words, there's enough variation to prove whatever you want to prove.

But I might hang up this Chinese astrologically based calendar in my office anyway. The pigs are pretty cute. And the colors are certainly vivid. Those Renaissance portraits are gorgeous and soulful, but the Chinese calendar will keep me awake.