Bad movie saints.

Movies often are appealing because we find characters with whom we can identify. Sometimes they are not the main characters, who are handsome or powerful or gorgeous or resourceful or in incredible shape or witty or really have a lot going for them. I mean the second bananas, or maybe third or even further back in the bunch. Sure, they're Hollywood characters, so they're probably still not awful to look at, but they're not the star, are they? (Although the star could be someone like noted Italian-American homunculus Joe Pesci, so who can say?) One thing, though, is that precious few characters in the movies would ever be considered for sainthood.

The Church often calls upon us, especially at Confirmation, to identify with a saint, someone of extraordinary virtue with whom we may still find some fellowship. We hope this will inspire us to seek out virtue ourselves, such as the Seven Cardinal Virtues (prudence, justice, temperance, and courage plus the three theological virtues of faith, hope, and charity), as well as the 12 Fruits of the Holy Spirit. 

Well, movie characters with whom we identify are not always going to have those virtues, or maybe any at all in a generous supply. And yet we can learn from them, even if they would make lousy saints. Plus, they always wind up helping the good guys. So allow me to present a few Lousy Movie Saints for your consideration. Devotions not encouraged.   

St. Cleo McDowell of the Rival Hamburger
Patron of Small Business Owners
Known for: Dedication, hard work, directness,
paternal love
A real David-vs.-Goliath story, with a man who
appreciates royalty

St. Samir Nagheenanajar the Long-Suffering
Patron of Victims of Office Machinery
Known for: Intelligence, love of justice
Appreciates how the Evil One uses things against us;
not afraid to fight 

[see also: St. Female Temp, Patroness of Mondays]

St. Mona Lisa Vito the Handy
Patroness of Classic Car Mechanics
Known for: Mental endurance, intelligence, fortitude, courage
Sees the beauty in others that others do not -- like a broken-down
Thunderbird covered in dents and rust

St. Jack Butler the Unemployed
Patron of Stay-at-Home Dads
Known for: Prudence, chastity, paternal love
A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do -- even if it means
resisting the gorgeous Ann Jillian

St. Mongo of Rock Ridge
Patron of Big Galoots 
Known for: Strength, humility
Maybe not the sharpest hammer in the icebox,
but shows how a little love and candy (and dynamite)
can turn a sinner away from bad

So there's a starter set. As I say, they're all lacking in attributes one would expect to see among the holy, but they all help out our heroes, so there's definitely a lot to like here. And definitely a lot with which to identify. 

Good Scout.

[NB: Another Fred "Classic" from the old blog, but updated. --FK]

I was a Webelo until the pack dissolved.

I liked Cub Scouts. It was fun, and parents were directly involved, so kids were better behaved than at school. Plus, as we all know, chicks dig a man in uniform. With my blue cap and outfit and yellow scarf, I was a third-grade hottie. It was a little tough to be called a "We-Blow" by some jackasses in my city school, but I have no regrets.

Okay, well, I regret that we didn't sell these.

Anyway, the pack didn't survive being kicked out of the school--long story, not our fault, I swear!--and so I never made Boy Scout. Still, I always try to Be Prepared, following the Scouting motto. Moreover, even as a Cub Scout I considered myself bound by the Scout Oath and the Scout Law:

Scout Oath
On my honor I will do my best
To do my duty to God and my country
and to obey the Scout Law;
To help other people at all times;
To keep myself physically strong,
mentally awake, and morally straight.

Scout Law
A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.

So I thought it was time I had a look at myself to see how I was doing on these things. Five-arrow scale.

On my honor I will do my best
To do my duty to God and my country

Actually better at these things than I was when I was a kid. Regular church monkey, I am now, but not then. When I was a li'l Bobcat, enthusiasm for America was low everywhere. What the hell did I know? Now I would say that I have to do my duty even if my mood about it is low. That's very tough for a kid. My rating: ↗↗↗↗

and to obey the Scout Law;

We'll get to that.

To help other people at all times;

Hmm... Does that mean every moment I can, or just when they ask? And I guess that wouldn't include cursing people out behind the wheel and stuff, would it? Oy. ↗↗

To keep myself physically strong,

I don't want to talk about it. ↗

mentally awake,

Zzzz... Huh? You say something? ↗↗

and morally straight.

Uhh-- Guilty with an explanation? I mean, I'm better now, but a couple of decades back-- Never mind. I'll go by now. There are advantages to getting old and feeble. ↗↗↗

Now the law exam:

A Scout is trustworthy, ↗↗↗↗
loyal, ↗↗↗↗
helpful, ↗↗↗
friendly, ↗↗
courteous, [except when driving] ↗↗↗ 
kind, ↗↗↗↗
obedient, ↗↗
cheerful, ↗↗↗↗
thrifty, 
brave, ↗
clean, [hygiene good; house less so] ↗↗
and reverent. ↗↗↗↗

Oh, boy. Not a single 5-pointer among them. I'm glad my scoutmaster is not alive to see this. I'd be drummed out for sure.

[More on Girl Scout cookies tomorrow. Those Girl Scouts get all the good stuff.]

Dirty deed.

Yes, it's a dirty deed, but someone has to do it.

Be glad I didn't post a picture of the toilet.

When I got married---really, as a condition of getting married---I had to promise that I would maintain the bathroom. My fiancee was willing to clean the entire rest of the house, but could not face the can. I agreed. (Subsequently the deal has fallen to pieces except for one part; guess which!)*

I don't mind doing the toilet, I really don't. It's not like cleaning the toilet in a public place, like the Sara D. Roosevelt park bathroom on the Lower East Side of Manhattan, whose fumes were so toxic they hospitalized a maintenance worker. No one uses the can here but us, and those I allow in the house, so it's not too horrible a job. Besides, when going after the inside of the bowl you have brushes and powerful chemicals on your side. It's the outside of the toilet that bothers me.

No, really; that's where all the hairs collect, and clumps of dust. The vacuum won't pull them off that damp, cold porcelain. You have to get down there and wipe them off, with rags or paper towels or wipes, and the hairs and stuff still cling like it's the last lifeboat off the Titanic. After all that, the sink and shower are a piece of cake.

I've long said that cleaning toilets is a good way to work on humility. People who want to big themselves up start by hiring someone to clean the house. But as long as I have the physical capability to clean myself, I don't mind. Besides, I won't steal from the valuable collection of Franklin Mint coins and Danbury Mint figurines I display in the can. Can't say the same for the help.

----

*(Love you, honey!)

Snotty picture of the day.

Piles of garbage outside the High School for Environmental Studies. I'll bet you had no idea that New York City even had such a thing, did you?

The school, I mean. Not the garbage. I'm sure you knew New York City had garage.

Now, this is totally unfair of me, I know. Every enterprise has to make some garbage, and it's entirely possible that their flawless recycling program keeps the school from generating vast Dumpsters full of trash. Hell, this may not even be their garbage; it's outside the building, but it's not like there's a name on it.

But here's the thing: When graduates of schools like this decide to go on a crusade, do you think the fairness behind their "photographic evidence" matters? Because I don't. A school dedicated to a cause that does not itself include concepts of truth and fairness will subsume those virtues in pursuit of their main goal.*

And the next thing you know you are washing out pizza boxes under force of law.

*Hmm...might I be thinking about something like the École nationale d'administration? Could be!